Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne

*sigh*

Saying goodbye to friends is tough. It's a little better when they're moving somewhere within the country, like Bombay or Bangalore, because then you know you can call them when you want to, or the trip there and vice versa is just a few hours away. And the ones elsewhere have family in the city, who they'll have to come back and meet anyway. And as a consequence, meet me.

When they move out of the country though, it's worse. But, luckily, in the past, with friends like Leela, her mum is here, and her sisters, so she returns about once a year to say hello, so I know I'll see her as well, eventually. But when Urvashi announced her plans to go to DC and do an MBA, it was startling. For one thing, she has no family here, which means no incentive to return. For another, our friendship, even though we're really close, is pretty new and I don't quite want to give it up just yet. Oh, I know there are emails and occassional trips back and forth but it's just not the same thing. I want all my friends to be right here in Delhi, a drive away, available for coffee and confidences.

So Urvashi leaves this Friday, and the farewell party was on Saturday night. We spent about the whole day organising it--well Urvashi and Iggy did--I just sat in the car and made unhelpful suggestions like, "Ooh, balloons! You should get balloons!" I think all the bustle and the food-ordering and buying the coke and the booze and getting ready and so on was a really good thing because it distracted from the purpose of the party. This was it. The last Saturday night. The last party where we got very drunk and swapped locker room stories in a corner.

Urvashi began getting weepy around midnight, which didn't help bolster my general mood either. I'm seeing her tomorrow, perhaps once more before she leaves, but this is heartbreaking, these long, prolonged farewells. I wish I could've just said, "Okay bye" at the party and not had this list of finals. The Last Cigarette. The Last Hug. The Last Coffee. The last time pulling up to her flat, climbing up those six flights of stairs, sitting in that room, being comfortable and cross-legged.

I wish things didn't have to change. I wish I could press a pause button, to just stop people from going anywhere or doing anything so drastic that they're not the same anymore. I know Life is about Moving On and there's no Growth without Change, but good god, does it always have to be this hard?

I have lists of friends, the inner circle and the outer circle. At this moment, my list of very, very, part-of-my-body-and-mind close friends is about five people. Out of which one isn't here, one is moving and another I see about once every six hundred years despite the fact that we're in the same city. I have new friends sure, but it's nice to be around people who love you. My new friends may like me a whole lot, but they don't love me.

I'll always be here to return to, though, which is a comfort, I suppose. No matter how many people dance in and out of my life, I refuse to change. I'm going to be here in Delhi, at the airport, smiling at the arrivals lounge, with new stories and big hugs.

So hah, universe, you think you've won, but you haven't.


EDIT: In all this saying goodbye and thinking about life and feeling sad, I completely forgot that the blog turns two this month--the 16th to be exact. It's interesting that my life has turned full circle from last year, around this time I was saying just this same thing: I wish I could pause some parts of my life. Not quite full circle I agree, but I do think this year has been momentous for me, in several personal ways. I'm calmer now (I think) more centred (I hope) and just, in general, I feel like I know Me and eM more this year.

I hope you guys stick around till the next anniversary. :) It'll be fun, I promise.

Things that make me happy (so I don't forget)

Rain; sleeping in a room that's completely dark and completely quiet; air conditioners; sitting in front of a room heater and warming my toes; blankets with satin linings;
fluffy bathtowels; singing; late night conversations with jazz music in the background and red wine; sleepovers; not having to drive.

High cheekbones; the noises horses make through their noses; good smells; watching pianist's/guitarist's fingers; the smell of foreign suitcases; new shoes; the feel of a baby animal; letting the surf touch my toes; a good book; having do-you-remember evenings with old friends.

Cheese; olives; mustard; pickle; food that makes me crinkle up my nose; good huggers; good kissers; a backrub; singing along to music at the top of my voice; long, wordy emails with plenty of description; people who miss me and say so; flat stomachs; a full packet of cigarettes.

Creating things; telling a good story; hearing a good story; gossip; Turquoise Cottage when it's empty-ish; men who smell nice; pedicures; the perfect cup of coffee; Barista's hot chocolate with mint, on a winter's day, sitting outside and smoking; finally being able to use the big word I have been rolling around in my head all day; identifying a tune; a new episode of one of my favourite TV shows; being able to make someone laugh; being able to laugh.

Having a crush on someone and thrilling with possibilities; new comments on my blog; fluffy pillows; romantic comedies; bumping into someone I haven't seen for ages unexpectedly; house parties; push-up bras; pretty panties; being forced to revise judgements in a good way; finding empty roads when I expected traffic; dimples; good news; horoscopes that promise excitement and romance; meeting new people and becoming instant best friends forever; fashion shows sometimes; a free drink; boxes; old photographs; happy endings.

Right. Everything seems to be in order.

Reply All

1) Before I begin, I'd like to point to this post by Vishnupriya, which I absolutely loved. The best backlash to He Who Shall Not Be Linked To, by me anyway, that I have seen so far. These games, speaking of the Troll Under The Bridge (I'm loving the different pseudonyms I'm finding for the Bird Of Prey, though more vulturesque than Noble Bird if you ask me) are fun and all, but I can't help but get the feeling that he's not very sure what he's going to do with the "teams" once he's got them together. I think the main idea was to get us to fight with each other for his brilliant feathered trophy, whatever it was, while he sat back like a Puppet Master and watched us. But, no, really, Mr. I Can Shit On Your Head, what makes you think we feel any other emotion but pure, plain and simple amusement?

2) Also, Jabberwock has already pointed this out, but do, do pick up this month's First City for a lovely, pink-templated interview with little old me! (And of course, some superhero type writers and bloggers, but still.. me!) What can you expect? Here's an excerpt:

First: wot do u say when ppl say, 'so u're eM!'

me: i say, "why do you sound so surprised?" :)
i guess they expect me to be superhot, coz i had this one friend i met at a blogger's meet actually and he told me he expected me to look like a "delhi girl"

First: a lot of the times u KNOW ur readers, right? that weird? or cool?

me: a little weird

First: wots a "delhi girl

me: coz i'll be talking to someone and saying something and they'll say, "ya we read it on your blog" i think he meant your stereotypical armpit-bag streaked hair, slightly pear shaped women

First: wots the worst thing abt blogging? s\'thing u wish u cud wish away?

me: ooh good question. i wish sometimes, but only rarely, that it wasn\'t so ACCESSIBLE, that only people with a certain personality and wavelength would be able to see it. like magic.

Fun, no? Read the whole thing.

3) And, ta-dah, presenting eM's all time favourite emails EVER recieved on this blog. (Coz I suck at replying to them, although, I HAVE replied to some, only coz it was the kind of day I felt like replying to emails and I know I'm terrible and I'm SORRY so please don't stop writing to me!)


From: ineffably dumb: You're gorgeous :)

Not surprising why this one makes the cut, now is it? :) Flattery will get you everywhere!

From: Charlie Brown


you asked for a whisper ..

somewhere someone
decided
to play
the song

the wrong song

but
at the right time
and we
danced
left-footed
out of a rut
and into the night

of falling stars
from
your constellation
which
i believe
was called

misty

so obscure
like
you
when i rang
your number
and the
voice said

after some time

because
you were
trying on some
new shoes
(the blue shoes)
that i pretended to like

when
the footpath was so hot
that i just
wished
for the cold marble floor
of my
bed room

and

the
right pop song
with the
"ooh la la
ooh la-la-la"
in the background

i'm not sure why i'm sending you this.

cb

This was beautiful. Even better on re-reading. Thank you.

From: izzy stradlin


hey, i'm a guy along with a few of my friends (all guys) - we were kinda looking to get into TC, coz they dont let u in unless u hv a girl on u, and we're sick n tired of going to tgif, and for that matter, dont even know too many places otherwise.
cud u sneak us in - say , saturday night?
thanks.

This one made me giggle for a WHILE! Original. :)

From: broken down


hey,
i'm a confused soul, mostly coz i went to an all boys school followed by iit n then iim. hence a loser on the chick front, well, not exactly loser, but low on understanding certain kinda stuff.
had a question - u mentioned a guy u cud watch a dvd in ur pyjamas with and a guy u'd want for a fling. whats the difference between the two? and what kinda guy wud u fall in say, love with.
err - i'd like to state that i'm not trying to hit on u, or make conversation, infact i'm miles away from delhi, and i kinda hv a girlfriend, just that we've been in different countries for abt a year - and now strain's beginning to show.
cya.

Oh, I feel bad about not replying to this one. Honest. Open floor, what's your take?

From: Aveek

Dear eM,Hi, Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...:)Thought I'd start with a little line from a song considering thats how you start you post, almost all of which I have read and I have enjoyed to the 'mostest'. I've read it like a story book, all your adventures, your love-life tales, your happy times, the sad times, the flings, the dumps, the parties, the people, the world as you see it. I felt as if I was there, that by some ungodly means I had a sex transplant and I was a woman. That I had a boyfriend and I felt the pain you went through. When you were happy, I smiled. When there was a funny moment, I'd laugh looking at the monitor and someone would think I've finally lost my marbles. Most of the good book I've read have been written by dead poets and the ones that were written by live authors aren't something to write home about but when I read your blog, I feel the writing as if i have written it.Seriously. And I know its weird but that just goes to show what an amazing writer you And for that, I want to thank you. Thank you for your blog and I hope you never stop blogging, you'll always have a reader in me.

i really don't do such emotional letters but you deserve this. you totally rock.


This made my century. Marry me.


From: Sindhu

Hey there Compulsive Confessor, Ok, I'm not sure to what extent you entertain mails from total strangers [especially when they're not from the opposite sex :) ] but having followed your blog for quite a while now (I think I've read pretty everything you've posted so far), there are quite a few things I've been wanting to say in response. This isn't specifically directed at you actually - a better place for this would probably be your blog but I doubt this would fit into the rather economically-sized comments section. Besides, I don't usually do this - write to total strangers, that is. In fact, I've never done this before (not counting that South African pen-pal I once had) so well, this is the first of its kind. Here goes.

Oh, but before I go on, this is going to be long, so if you're not in the mood to read long mails now, just keep this for later or something. I hope you won't just delete this off because I've put quite a bit of thought and time into this. Perhaps a little introduction is in order. I'm a girl about your age and I wish I could say I were a journalist too, since that's one of the things i've always wanted to do but well I'm not so .. phooey.

I'm Indian, though i've never really lived in India. I've grown up mostly in Singapore, where I'm writing this from (yeah i'm one of those visitors from Singapore that really neat visitors' country tracker thing on your blog shows). So here's where I start getting to the point - Having grown up away from India, I've had a very unenlightened perspective of how young people grow up there. I was under the impression that kids in India were generally very sheltered and grew up in suffocatingly conservative households where even normal things like dating and hanging out too much with friends was considered immoral or something (and my mother still makes me wear only salwar kameezes when we visit chennai).

Sure it's hard to generalise, India being as huge and diverse as it is, with people in the different strata of it's multi-layered society having to contend with different issues and problems. Unfortunately, as foreigners we get little insight to what things are really like for people living and growing up there. All we have here are newspaper headlines and of course bollywood, which I suppose is hardly anything to go by, seeing as how it portrays foreign Indian girls as uber-modern-to-the-point-of-slutty chicks that would readily pounce into the laps of any men with laps empty enough to be pounced upon.

So you can imagine my, well, taken-abackness upon having my eyes opened to how much the culture in some parts of India has evolved to accommodate such liberal-ness (I'm sure that isn't a word, but you get the point) towards sexual practices. What happened to the traditional Indian morals or whatever that we foreign girls are constantly accused of not upholding? Well my intention here isn't so much to question the deterioration of Indian morals in India. Personally, I think the whole concept of "Indian Morals" is just blatant hypocrisy and denial meshed together to form some sort of veil to obscure the truth, so I don't care much for upholding indian morals just for the sake of it. After I got over the reality that indian youth aren't as sheltered as I had always naively thought they were, other issues started bothering me. Like sleeping with people you "fancy the pants off of". I don't mean to sound too affected, but you guys do that? However I look at it, it doesn't seem right. Flings, one-night stands ? Not cool man. It's not about morals. It's about attitudes towards people. Yes, we all go through phases of feeling low, being in rebound, being in need of constant external validation, and sometimes just wanting to do something outrageous. But the trick lies in braving it out and drawing strength from yourself to get through it, doesn't it?

What challenges do temptations pose when you just give in to them most of the time? It's natural to go throw spells of rapidly getting close to people and then growing apart just as quickly. Sometimes, circumstances just grab you by the collar and shove you to places you didn't think you'd go. But I think this use-and-chuck mentality which makes people think it's ok to sleep with someone for the sake of wanting some temporary outlet is, in my humble opinion, quite unhealthy. So is relationship-hopping, which seems to be frighteningly prevalent there. I'm sure no one does it for the sake of it, but I'm unable to understand why people don't put a little more thought into something as serious as relationships.

Granted, few people get it right the first time, but there's got to be some limits surely? When you invest in relationships and then leave them, a little bit of you is lost there. You walk out with more missing pieces than before and hurt and scars and everything. Sometimes it's inevitable, but often it isn't. And finally when you meet The One, you'll wish you'd kept it all for him - your innocence, your affections, yourself, entirely and completely for him alone, because he would deserve nothing less, being The One. And when I say you I don't mean you, personally - just you, in general, you know. Well anyway. I hope I'm not coming across as trying to advise you or something because I totally am not. Neither am I implying that you're bad or anything. If I thought you were, I wouldn't bother writing this in the first place. I enjoy reading your blog, for the most part and love the way I get to see things I'd otherwise never get to see, through this lens you've neatly crafted. Your writing is intelligent and engaging and I find myself identifying with most of your thoughts. It's almost as though i've gotten to know you or something to some extent. Weird. Here ends this long mail finally. On a different note, i'd like to state for the record, that siblings are not solely for entertainment purposes :) I don't know what I'd do sometimes without mine.

And burning urself in smoke isn't sexy, no matter how smoothly or skillfully you wield the cigarrette. I hope you guys don't regret it someday when you find yourself being in a position where you have a lot more to lose. Best regards from this compulsive reader.
Keep writing !
Sindhu

p.s: Vikram Seth is gay ? I love that guy !
p.p.s: I've commented as Sirisha once or twice on your blog. So yeah, that's me


Wonderful. I LOVED this email.

Part two later.

Challenge what the future holds, stand up and be counted, don't be 'shamed to cry

I got a new phone on Sunday. It’s been a while since I treated myself, so I went all out instead of opting for that Nokia which everyone has, the kind that has a basic camera and all that, but still makes my old phone look like a piece of shit. I decided to push my budget to ten and buy myself something REALLY fancy. Only, fancy phones come with fancy prices and everything was like eleven at least, or fifteen at most. I was being reasonable as well, though I was lusting after the N-series, that was much too much out of my budget.

But then Small, who got a MotoRazr v3i on her birthday, decided she wanted to switch back to Nokia. This phone was complicated, not as easy to use, and she just wasn’t that into it. So, she sold it to me, for ten thousand, and it is beautiful. It still smells new also. And the plastic screen sticker is still on it. I devoured the user manual, from cover to cover and I’ve figured it all out. It’s not as user friendly as the Nokia, no, but it’s so worth it, once you’ve mastered it. I love the shape, the feel of the sleek metal under my fingertips, the ringtones, the way someone’s picture flashes when they call, the way the iridium flat keys light up, the way I can close the flip and take my picture, the way I look and behave around it, like it’s natural for the girl-who-nobody-noticed to be going out with the most popular boy at school.

But, I had a problem. My phone has this wonderful way of dividing people into categories, so that you can assign a ringtone to a particular label, or just send messages to people at work and so on. It was, as you can imagine, an arduous task. Motorola gave me only a few labels to work with—personal, business, VIP, family, best friends and general. No options. No way to figure out whether friends at work would count as business or personal. And who would I call my best friends anyway?

K, now, his number is stored, but there’s no category for ex-boyfriends. No special ringtone telling me that this was a good time to put a smile on my face, no matter what I was doing, and to sound super busy and important. There’s no category for boys you hooked up with in a drunken moment but wished you hadn’t. People you had a tiny crush on. People who were attracted to you. People you were attracted to. People your friends had dated so were no-nos, but there was still some sort of spark that left you feeling very guilty after you spoke to them.

And friends. How do I divide my friends into “best friends” and “personal”? What about my drinking buddies, who I see only once a month or something and we get very smashed? How about old friends who you sorta lost touch with in the middle but are in the midst of rediscovering? How about people who used to be your best friends several years ago? Friends you lived with? Friends you had a big fight with? Friends you went on a trip to Goa with, many years ago? Friends who knew you since you had braces and braids, should they rank higher than the ones who thought you emerged out of your womb looking the way you do now? Even if the latter knows you better? People you meet on the internet, or through blog meets. People you’ve never met. Ever. But they still know who you are, thanks to your voice. People who used to date friends, but once they broke up, you’re not sure whether you’re still obliged to talk to them. People who used to date friends, but who became better friends of yours.

Work is even worse. People in my direct team should get a special listing right? And what about my friends from work, good friends who know stuff about my life, and vice versa and whom I meet out of work as well? PR people who I want to avoid versus PR people I really like, who give me good stories. The boss’s boss’s boss?

You might want to think about that, Moto guys.