eM watches the World Cup

 

From: Rudyard

To: eM

Hi! How are you? Fancy watching the football at mine with a bunch of Brits? Promise a sociologically interesting evening---and to keep the hooliganism in check.

 

From: eM

To: Rudyard

Sounds fun! Not a big football fan but all about the sociology.

 

Hmmm. I wonder who’s playing. Let me call Football Savvy Friend.

 

Oh, Germany and England. What fun.

 

Right. Assuming everyone in the room is supporting England, am going to make a completely arbitrary decision and pick Germany.

 

Methods I Use To Determine Which Team I Support:

1) Which team has better looking players.

2) Which team has a national product I really love (eg: picked Mexico because of the TEQUILA!)

3) Which team looks sadder about losing.

4) Which team has better looking players. (I’m an equal opportunist like that.)

 

Rudyard’s house is full of people all sitting and staring at the television. I assumed it was going to be a football party, you know, with football on in the background and people talking and mingling but not really paying attention.

 

Football Savvy friend and I are ushered to our seats. He is given a Place Of Honour in the thick of things, I am exiled to a chair by the side. All the better for me to send messages from and update my Foursquare.

 

Football Savvy Friend is also supporting Germany, but not letting on, seeing as he is surrounded by English people who are taking this match rather, um, personally.

 

They changed colours again! What’s with you, World Cup? Out of all the BILLIONS of colours out there, you can’t stick to one for one country?

 

I’m so confused. I think the red guys are Germany, but the room is very excited whenever they get the ball. I try to lean over and ask, but no one is paying attention to me.

 

Go Red Guys! Wait, there’s a GREEN guy! And a YELLOW guy? And one in BLUE! I will never figure this game out.

 

From: eM

To: Ira

Jesus, I don’t think I can take it. I don’t even know which colour is whose. Although I think Germany just scored judging by the reactions here.

 

Hmmm. Maybe will go smoke cigarette in the balcony to make time pass faster.

 

Someone very kindly (albeit impatiently) explained that Germany is the white team. Go white team!

 

Half time! I can has mingling? Oh no, everyone looks too sad.

 

Lalalala.. will make Bloody Marys instead. (Secret Cocktail Tip: Use tomato puree watered down with water, much less sweet, and less expensive than tomato juice.)

 

Oooh, this is a good Mary.

 

From: eM

To: Ira

I got vodka, it got a lot more interesting. Footballers have nice bottoms.

 

EUREKA! ALCOHOL + SPORTS = FUN! Why does no one else know this? I must tell THE WORLD.

 

Oh. Everyone already knows. Oh well.

 

Aww. Look at how happy German dude is because he scored.

 

Look at me, totally supporting the winning team. HAH! IN YOUR FACE! I AM THE FOOTBALL TEAM CHOOSING CHAMPION!

 

Err. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that last bit out loud.

 

Yay! My team won! My team never wins.

 

OH. MY. GOD. They are taking off their shirts!

 

Mmmm. Footballers. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

DON’T TURN OFF THE TV! Shirts! Off!

 

Dammit.

 

Okay, I’m going to go get drunk now.

In which you learn that I should really not be allowed out in public when I’ve been drinking

I am in a domestic funk. My maid, previously wonderfully reliable, has taken to bunking one day every week. I love this particular maid, she’s friendly and chatty and I can rely on her to look after the cat while I’m out of town. BUT, lately, I get the feeling she’s taking me and my lackadaisical ways a little for granted. Most times she takes the day off, she doesn’t even bother calling and this is annoying especially on a Sunday where the Saturday before you’ve had people over and then you wake up late on Sunday morning and you remember there are people coming over for a workshop in your house and it looks a mess and you hurriedly run around making the bed, washing the dishes, putting the wine bottles away, scrubbing the surfaces—and yes, I realise that in any other country, I’d be doing that myself anyway, but in any other country I wouldn’t be paying someone to do it for me.
Now the dilemma is, what should I say to her? She’s taken today off as well, which means it must be a genuine problem and not just her being lazy, but I feel like I should have a word with her for the future. I swear sometimes her excuses are: “Oh, I had guests.” Should I threaten? Cajole? Weep? Sack her? I turn to you, in the hopes that you are better with managing people than I am!

Speaking of the workshop though, it went really, really well. I realised I’m actually not bad at this whole workshop thing and some very talented writers showed up and we all had a good time writing and talking about writing. It went SO well, in fact, that I have decided to make it a regular-ish thing. The next one will be in July sometime, I’ll keep you posted.

Oh yes, was asked for the People Magazine ‘Most Beautiful Party’ at Tote with a GREEN CARPET, dudes and I was hugely excited and thrilled. (Bubble was burst when I told a friend all about it and she looked a little puzzled about why I had been invited and then her face cleared and she got an a-ha look on her face and blurted out, “It’s probably about INNER beauty too!” Heh. Nice that I can always count on my friends to keep me grounded.) I usually get one of my friends or the other to come along as a plus one, usually the person who asks me first, but then I guess that’s not entirely fair because I meet some people more than others so next time I’m going to draw lots and ask them in that order. (This should make alllll my other friends, including the one who works at Vogue.in (good morning!) very happy.)

Anyway, back to the green carpet. I had asked BB to begin with but she had to cancel and so Ira was next in line. I might have micromanaged her outfit just a leeeetle bit, but it was worth it because she looked super hot in this red bandage halter dress. I wore a thrift shop find—this maroon silk sheath and had my hair ironed and went for simple but elegant. I think it worked, sorta. No one took our pictures on the green carpet (hmph) but we did drinks LOADS of yummy watermelon caprioskas and at least seven hundred glasses of wine. We did not say hello to Sushmita Sen, though we did stalk her (and she smokes! Which makes me love her even more! I always thought she’d be one of those militant anti-smoking types.) I also had a very awkward exchange with Aatish Taseer (swoon), which I shall reproduce below:
Me: “Hi! I loved your book!” (Well, the introduction. I’ve been meaning to get back to it, really I have, but I’m drowning in unread books at the moment.)
Him:(Looking handsome and suave) “Thank you.”
Me (Looking  sort of like a crazy lady, humidity already taking its effect on my ironed hair):  “Errr. I really only wanted to say that.”
Him (Gives a manly laugh): “And what do you do?”
Me: “Youareheresinglewomaninindiablahdiblah”
Him: “Oh, the book with the map on the cover?”
Me (THRILLED): “YES!”
Me (with surging confidence): “So, what are you planning to do while you’re in Bombay?”  (Smooth, right? I KNOW.)
Him: “I’ve actually lived here before.”
Me: “Oh.”
Me: “But you MUST see the sights! The sights! You MUST!”
Him: “I’ve.. lived.. here.. before.. oh never mind. What sights?”
Me (AHA. I WILL BE CLEVER AGAIN): “That depends.” (Low laugh, toss hair over one shoulder) “What are you into?”
Him (obviously finding all this very amusing): “Movies?”
By this time I am so shocked by not being able to construct a simple sentence, I grab Ira and toss her to the wolves. She works in movie marketing, so I figure she can say something clever for both of us.
Ira: “Oh you should watch [obscure Telugu film]”
Me (in my head): “Really?”
Him (Obviously relieved that ONE of us can make intelligent conversation): “Oh, I will look that up.”
Pretty girl: “Hiiiiii” (At us, girl head nods, where you acknowledge someone and take in their outfits at the same time.)
Us: KTHXBAI

Needless to say, if I ever encounter him in the future I am going to hide. You’ll find me in the bushes.  And before you judge me let me just say when a man is handsome and smart and a really good writer YOU WOULD BE TONGUE TIED TOO. Next time, I will REHEARSE my conversation.

At about this point, the evening became drunkener and drunkener. A model danced up to me and shoved a test tube shot down my throat. Ira got whisked away and whirled round the dance floor by a really, um, exuberant gentleman. We found friends and got a ride home.
Good night, all in all.

Oh and before I close, shout outs to the winners of the Friends Of Books contest! As soon as the books reach me, I’ll sign them and send them forward. Unless one or more of you is in Bombay, in which case, the coffee’s on me.

Your body’s a dream that’s turned violent, and that’s the way I like it

Because I am ALL ABOUT the lists this week, this post is going to be a list as well.

 

1) First, I need to pimp myself. I do. I’m sorry. I am a freelance writer, and as you know, this work pays peanuts. Probably even peanut shells sometimes. And when you have a blog, you should be able to use it to like a little oh-look-at-me-and-maybe-toss-some-money-my-way tool every now and then, right? Right. Justification over, let me tell you what I’m planning for next weekend. It struck me that there are LOADS of workshops all over Bombay. For cooking and dancing and photography, even for SARI TYING (which I should really attend.) And I thought, hey, I could totally do a workshop. So, ta-dah, I’m doing a creative writing workshop at my house in Bandra next week (Sunday, June 20th). For the bargain price of Rs 1500, you get three hours of intensive writing exercises, critique, advice on how to get started and stuff like using social media, getting a publisher and so on. Sounds awesome? Write to me at thecompulsiveconfessorATgmailDOTcom to sign up. Link to the Facebook event here.

 

2) Went for this interesting party the other day. It was hosted by this website called Internations and I was asked by this friend of mine, so I dragged Ira along as my date and the two of us went. Expat parties are usually not my cup of tea, I mean, completely expat parties, where it seems as though everyone is living in this little bubble which they basically transport from country to country. But this one was quite fun. I met loads of interesting people, including a German door maker and the location was fabulous; at the Novotel’s bar which has this nice outdoor section overlooking the sea and where they play excellent alternative rock which sort of went with the whole ambience. Good fun.

 

3) Scholastic asked me to go down to Pune to talk to some of their marketing staff earlier this week. My mother and cousin were still in town, so I took them along as well. The chat itself was brief, but two nice things happened—I got a chance to hold the new book and smell it and love it and gasp at the inevitable typos and we had a nice long drive down the Bombay-Pune expressway which is really beautiful. I’ve been down it before, to go to Kamshet and Goa and so on, but when you’re with out-of-towners who marvel at these things, it’s nice to take a fresh look. We also stopped at the famous Shrewsbury biscuits bakery for them to take presents and man, it was the most crowded bakery I’ve ever been at. Who knew they were so popular? My mother left today and I’m all waaaaaah, I miss my mommy! Sigh. I guess in some regards, you never really grow up.

 

4) Oh, also. Speaking of Scholastic and pimping and so on, they now have an excerpt from Confessions online. Here, in fact. If you’re curious, take a look and let me know what you think. I’m looking for honest feedback! The contest with Friends Of Books went well, too. We got a lot of entries, and I’m going to be making my final decision soon, so stay posted.

 

5) I still haven’t been to see SATC the worsequel. I know it’s going to be terrible. I know I’m going to hate it. I also know I’m going to watch it. By postponing the viewing, I’m hoping to hold on to some of the magic of the show while I still can before this movie irrevocably ruins it for me. Did anyone like it?

 

6) By the way, a tip for anyone in Bombay who’s got visitors? You don’t even need to show them the sights anymore. The Bandra-Worli sea link is SO fascinating that my mother and cousin could talk of nothing else. I did my duty as a family member though (reluctantly leaving Bandra) and showed them stuff like Brittania, the Asiatic Library and the Tea Centre, among other things, but nothing compared to the sea link trips.

 

7) I just bought drop crotch pants from this very nice (and pretty cheap) boutique in Bandra called Creative Handicrafts. (They’re an NGO giving work to underprivileged women.) Drop crotch pants are very cool and  attractive and comfortable and I love them, but I didn’t realise they don’t give you much stretching room. Result: walking up the stairs, I had to literally WADDLE. Not sexy, no.

 

And that’s all I have for you this week. Except that now that I’m done with almost every single TV show that I love and they’re all on a break till September, I’m at a loss. I’m looking for something Gilmore Girls-esque. Any suggestions? Or, I could just rewatch Gilmore Girls, I suppose. That should keep me occupied for a while.

Re-emerging

Since the trolls decided to come out and play again (this is what happens when you leave a post of such a personal nature up for too long unsupervised) I thought it was high time I changed the subject.

But first, you guys are awesome. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your words of support and encouraging comments. I hope that JC and I will work things out, but I’m glad to know that you think I can do it on my own even if things don’t go the way I hope.

Anyway. On to more cheerful things. Such as things I’ve been doing recently. Despite the heat and my discovery of a brand new show (Greek! About college life and fraternities and sororities, and so awesome!), I have managed to be quite social recently. So, okay, back in January, I, very excitedly, bought myself a planner. Like, to keep track of things and stuff. Only I never had enough things for me to actually forget things, if you know what I mean. Therefore, said planner (brown leather with a clasp) languished on my desk for a while, collecting dust. And then, I went to England. And there EVERYone was all like, “Ooh, let me check my diary” and I really wanted a diary, just so I could say, “Ooh, let me check my diary.” So, on my return, I dragged out my planner and started putting things into it, even random shit, like, “Meet A. for coffee, 4 pm, JATC”. What do you know? The planner started to fill up, and before I knew it, I was actually saying, “Ooh, let me check my diary.” Win! Now I have meetings, appointments, errands and drinks with friends all recorded neatly and clearly for me to look back on when I’m old.

One of the things recorded for Thursday night of this last week, is a dinner party I want to tell you about. I subscribe to this awesome blog called Brown Paper Bag (and if you live in Bombay, you should have a look and then you, like I, will wonder what on earth we did before this site existed). Anyway, so the chicks at BPB are very cool, and as part of their coolness they have this event they call ‘Turning Tables’, where a chef comes to someone’s house and cooks and you can sign up, and you’re basically at a dinner party with twenty people you (hopefully) have never met before.

I’m having a bit of a hard time meeting new people these days, also, I went into hermit mode after, you know, the whole break up thing, and so I was a little nervous about attending. On the other hand, I figured as I walked out of the door that it might be just what I need to get back on the social horse, so to speak. (Aside: my mother is in town and so have been spending a lot of time having my life organised, in the way that mothers do.) I had been contemplating offering them my house the next time they had one of these dos, but then I walked into this MASSIVE apartment on Pali Hill—all beautifully decorated with a kitchen the size of my living room, and well, I decided against it.

Meeting 16 random strangers (it turned out Bandra’s smaller than I thought and I knew four people when they walked in) was actually one of the more exhilarating moments of my week. I made conversation, I discovered all sorts of things that I hadn’t know before, I got to answer (finally!) “who” I was wearing. (Answer: Dress from Sarojini Nagar, belt from Bhutan, bag from Hill Road, shoes from Linking Road) and the wine flowed and the food (the chef was from Valhalla) was awesome. Good times.


And THIS, boys and girls, is my new book, now available for pre-ordering from all sorts (link was bad, so replaced with the link here.) of places. Also, my friend Arti has organised a contest over at Friends Of Books. Basically, you write a list of things you love(d) or hate(d) about being a teenager, submit it, the best three lists win an autographed copy of my new book OR if you’re in Bombay, I’ll take you out for coffee and a chat. Fun? Fun. Contest ends on June 15th, so hurry!