In which I save millions on therapy and basically just fix myself

It's Saturday night and already, even though it's only 7.50, I'm late for a party. It was meant to begin in the afternoon, I see that now, but since I'm used to skimming invitations, I fondly placed my leaving  time at 8 pm, and now even though I was going to be early for this evening party, I'm late for both. But, in the throes of a head cold from hell, I'm procrastinating, my heater is on, singeing my stockings to almost-unbearable-but-too-cold-once-you-turn-it-off, and I'm procrastinating. There's a lovely hot cup of coffee on my desk, the shreds of snotty tissue, now there's a delightful image, and a couple of cigarettes still left in the packet I begun a couple of days ago. Or was it yesterday? My plan is to quit smoking this year, hopefully in the next month or so, but this is always my plan, especially when I'm ill, so even my own brain takes that with a pinch of salt.


I've settled down in my home once more. The other day I cleaned, from top to bottom, or at least, whatever I could see. A pink and white checked tablecloth is on my dining table, giving it the air of something that belongs in a French bistro or something. Or so I tell myself. It's been a while since I was at a French bistro. The other day, tired and bored and blue, I ordered a hair iron off Flipkart and that's become my new hobby--hair ironing. Does this all sound very dull? I suppose it is, any activity that doesn't involve anything but yourself is quite dull to read about, but it gives me a certain feeling of nesting, as it were. I feel settled. I feel at home. This week, I spent making phone calls to friends I hadn't seen in weeks and I tried to meet as many as I could. This week, I bought vegetables, and rinsed out my wine glasses. This week, I organised my cupboards, and hung my dresses up. This week, I run on single drinks and allergy medication, and I sniffle and fill up the fuel tank of my car in preparation for all the evenings I'm sure I'll have.


Basically, what I'm trying to explain is, that inside me, where chaos has always reigned, is a new era of calm and contentment. I am who I am, and that's what I am. For better or for worse. Often, last year, and for a few years before that, I found myself wondering if I'd be friends with me, if I knew me. And often, the answer wasn't yes. I didn't know, you see. I didn't know if I'd be friends with me, because ultimately, I didn't know who 'me' was. I knew, okay, I knew the basic stuff. Hates ketchup. Loves kindness. Tends to get weepy during her period. But that's easy. I could give you a list like that, and you'd know me inside out. And when friends said something  like, "oh,  I think you're so __" I'd have to stop a second and look at them. Really? Was that who I was? But how could I be that and not Friend B's description of me as a "___"? How could I be both?


This year, though, I feel... okay, this is weird, so bear with me. I feel ready. I'm not sure what I'm ready for, it's not like some big life changing event is looming over my head. Nothing is happening, which means everything is happening. But I think I will recognise the circumstances I'm meant to be ready for when they come along. I have the answer, but not the question, and so on.


All this calm and contentment doesn't mean I'm all zen, by the way. But it does mean when I have a mini meltdown, I'm able to pinpoint where it's coming from and what I'm doing in the situation and basically, I'm very well informed about what's going on in my own head. Off with you, confusion! I know pretty much always what my motives are, and when I get confused, I'm able to say I'm confused! Isn't that awesome? I think it's awesome. Maybe in ten years I'll be able to isolate cause from effect and be super zen and never lose my shit again, but for now, I'll take what I can get. Self awareness is a very self-help book thingummy, but it's a cool place to be. I highly recommend it. 

Wondering if I'll stay young and restless

Looming above my head is a massive deadline. I need to finish book three very soon, and things are going well, but slowly-ish. I've got a large chunk done, it's just wrapping it up and giving it a bit of a polish that remains, and I can't wait to finish it, to have another book lurking on my hard drive, but this last bit is always the hardest part. If you've read my first book (and if you haven't, there's a handy link on the top left corner you could go buy it) then you probably already know that I'm a character writer. I love peeling people apart, in a non-cannibal way, writing about them, their motivations, what makes them tick and so on, but my flaw is plotting. I usually have a general wide story arc I try to fill in, which is easy and it works too, but for Book Three, I had imagined a more intricate back-and-forth, it was all RIGHT THERE, and that meant I had to make actual notes and a flow chart and work backwards and forwards and all sorts of complicated things, but I've got the hang of it now, things are in place and I hope that a final edit will remove any glaring holes I might have left. So, phew. That's what I've been up to, and that's why the month long silence on this blog.

Sri Lanka was absolutely magic. I travelled with a boy and two friends, and everyone got along and there was much drinking, and one night we walked on the beach and there were fireflies everywhere and it was like something out of a movie. I'm going AGAIN, this time for a family wedding, in a couple of days. I don't think this second trip will be Beach-Firefly-esque, but hey, Sri Lanka is Sri Lanka, right?

And, I've just returned from a long stint in Bombay, two weeks, partly to give the book its right setting, being as most of it is set in Bandra, partly because Delhi was very cold and depressing and partly because of the aforementioned Good Thing. By which, I'm sure you've realised I mean romance has pirouetted its way into my life once more, but it's early days yet. Still, it requires a certain  amount of travel, my most favourite thing in the WHOLE WORLD, so I'm happy. I'm not so happy when travel means spending part of the time in a long distance thing, but long distance has a certain hazy charm to it, very romantic and I can pretend we're both in a war or something and I'm being very brave and waving my hanky from the balcony window while he sails off into the sea. Or, since I'm a feminist, I'm the one fighting the war, or going off into space on a dangerous asteroid exploding mission. Yeah. That sounds appropriately bad ass.


There aren't that many new places in Bombay, or maybe I just haven't checked out the right new places yet. We did do this music night thing at Mehboob Studios, which is a gorgeous setting, I think it happens every couple of weeks? Anyway, the music is a bit hit or miss, there was this harpist-singer who was trying to do rock and roll lyrics with a harp which was a bit... odd, but mostly fun, and they have food and drink. Plus being inside Mehboob Studios feels very retro and Bollywood, down to their red tiger striped couch and the soundproofed room the nights take place in. Also, there's this place in Worli called the Cool Chef Cafe which has regular events, and I bumped into a bunch of people there, so it appears that's the cool new thing to do. Otherwise, more of the same. WTF, twice, and the last night I went there they had just reopened so all our drinks were on the house so it was like Bombay was throwing me a party. Elbo Room which I'm still not crazy about but since other friends were there, we went too, and Ivy, which has just opened in Bandra and it is LOVELY. My new favourite place, I think.

Back home in Delhi, I've been pottering around a bit too. Just last night, we revisited TC, which is the source of my raging hangover today. But Delhi for me has always been more of a house party place, especially as I get older and my tolerance for loud music and crowded bars goes down. I do the odd event here or there, 4S, always, but really, I like having people round or popping by to their house most.

I have to tell you guys about the horrible train I took from Delhi to Bombay. It was called the Garib Rath, Laloo Prasad Yadav's idea for the poor people to have a Rajdhani style travel, but oh my god. TERRIBLE. It's chair cars for one thing, they have sleepers also, but not so many, and the chair cars are packed and the seats don't recline and they leave the horrible bright lights on all night so it's impossible to get to sleep. It took me two days to recover from that and I took a Rajdhani home. But, it was funny. I'm taking the train a lot because I'm so broke, but there was a guy on the train home, talking about he wasn't educated and he played a lot of hockey so his name was in the papers when he was younger and he said, "Look at me now! I'm in a Rajdhani! A Rajdhani!" and that made me awww. Funny how the concepts of luxury travel are so relative. I like to fly because I like getting there more than the process of getting there if you know what I mean, but there's a certain something about the train. I'm glad I'm broke and don't have a flying option so I get to experience it more. Silver lining!

Okay, that's pretty much my month so far. Slow moving, but not uneventful. Good start to the year, all in all, I'd say.