tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post5945911058231931291..comments2024-03-20T15:50:48.991+05:30Comments on Compulsive Confessions: And then, come the childreneMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12716202062654957842noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-23344587933314418152014-02-19T04:33:25.389+05:302014-02-19T04:33:25.389+05:30First, I love your blog.
Second, I have written ...First, I love your blog. <br /><br />Second, I have written about parenthood - and I believe it is really selfless IF the parent does indeed continually extend him/herself to be the perfect parent (I believe you hint at this when you speak of giving something up). While I completely agree that procreation has become more narcissistic than ever, there are parents out there - full-time moms and dads - who choose parenthood over careers/ ambition/ etc. <br /><br />And yes, as you said - parenthood is definitely egotistical as well - esp. when observing desis in the U.S.A., to whom reproduction is part of their checklist of accomplishments...after which they go right back to work and scale the corporate ladder, leaving their children in the care of babysitters and the daycare from as young an age as 1 month (!). Sure, my mom had a blazing career as well (in the I.A.S.) but in India of the 80's and the 90s, there were always grandparents, and extended family around when mom wasn't at home to personally care for us. That doesn't happen in the U.S.A. where to my horror, I recently heard that some of my female desi contacts actually tell their 9 year olds to hop off the school bus at 4pm and wait alone at home till mom or dad returns at 5pm. I consider that child endangerment, but what can you tell people who will come up with any justification for their money making strategies?<br /><br />So as you say, there are those parents who equate or even prioritize making money over caring for their children. But then, one can't ignore those devoted parents who chuck away their jobs/ career options for their kids (who will move away at 18 - at least that's how it is in the U.S.A.). If the latter were truly narcissistic, they would force their kids to follow their dictates...and yet, I know so many in my parents generation who were so loving and accepting of their kids...surely, they were not narcissistic. AAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15166336840920233670noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-37756800896667348322013-11-18T10:51:03.550+05:302013-11-18T10:51:03.550+05:30Okay, I think I am qualified enough to share my ex...Okay, I think I am qualified enough to share my experience. I am glad you brought this up, because just a fortnight back I had a mini-argument with my mom about this. Mom beings mom and a grandmother endorses parenting. She believes that people without kids lead empty lives. I hadn't read this blog until now and but I am glad that I didn't need to read it either...because I said exactly what you have right here. Life is about the choices you make and how you live with them. It is no crime (or honour) if you choose not to have babies. It is because choose something that is important to you. You ‘me time’. <br />For instance I didn’t want to get married. In fact, we didn’t want to get married. We were so busy with our careers that living together sufficed our needs in every possible way. But we did eventually, because it mattered to a few people in our lives. Having a child however was not a plan. Not until we were both ‘ready’. Yes, you shouldn’t have babies if you don’t want them. Because they are like sponges, drawing out qualities that even you don’t know you had. They demand more than any parent, partner or boss ever will. Is it easy being a parent? Is it easy being selfless? No, it isn’t. So don’t I crave for the moments that you talk of? I do…everyday. I haven’t slept in 2 years. I haven’t read 10 pages in a row. I haven’t taken that solo trip yet. And I haven’t lost all the weight. <br />Is life then a list of disappointments? Well no…at least not yet. Because I look at life on hold. On hold till I am ready to reinvent my life. To find newer dreams, challenges and destinations for me and us. So don’t worry…you are not alone. Just that we are both happy and content with the choices we made. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-30471284952402729812013-08-20T07:41:06.471+05:302013-08-20T07:41:06.471+05:30At 41 Iam too old to have kids. I never wanted any...At 41 Iam too old to have kids. I never wanted any, and more than ever I feel I have made the right choice. But I do believe in giving back. Which is why, my home is full of animals, I care for them and nurse them back to health when they are sick. If ever I have the urge to have a baby, I will adopt one. There are far too many neglected unwanted children in this world. It is indeed selfish to think about bringing another, into this already overcrowded world.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-36780309194228655292013-08-15T17:38:54.239+05:302013-08-15T17:38:54.239+05:30Loved this last comment by Anonymous!Loved this last comment by Anonymous!Pallavi Sharmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11772902466628490680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-32079016254244137652013-08-15T14:55:54.197+05:302013-08-15T14:55:54.197+05:30First of all, nice article and a healthy set of co...First of all, nice article and a healthy set of comments. And what I think: Life is about give and take. We give up A to get B because we think B gives us more happiness than A. That way, whether you trade your 'everything' for 'children' or you don't is just the same. You are equally selfish either ways because you ultimately turn towards the choice that (you believe) makes you happier. And there is no right or wrong choice, just a personal decision.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-30763657485915164422013-08-13T12:08:36.530+05:302013-08-13T12:08:36.530+05:30When we got married at 26, I thought I was ready f...When we got married at 26, I thought I was ready for the responsibilities it entails, and it would be a good thing a couple years down the line. At 32, we're still not thinking about having kids. My perspective is that I do not feel that burning urge to procreate, my clock isn't ticking, and I can feel maternal enough when required (meeting friends' kids) without pining for one of my own. So the current state of mind is that if and when we feel like extending our family, we'll happily look for someone who needs one, and bring him/her/both home and nurture them. There's a whole different set of experiences involved there, but we're not longing for them right now.Pallavi Sharmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11772902466628490680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-55053896359311260602013-08-12T05:09:24.967+05:302013-08-12T05:09:24.967+05:30Same anon as above ("any more selfish" e...Same anon as above ("any more selfish" etc). The desire to have a child is similar to that of having Good Thing (as you put it), you want to share your life with someone, because there is greater meaning. No one wants an extension of themselves. <br /><br />My guess though is that ppl have kids because that remains one last challenge, once job+partner is settled. For those ppl who derive "enough" joy from either or both job+partner, the need to have a kid just doesn't exist,their fulfilment of need is already taken care of.<br /><br />This is basically the entire reason why most of science fiction exists:we are terrified of loneliness, but also scared by commitment. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-16890730205347968082013-08-11T22:30:02.547+05:302013-08-11T22:30:02.547+05:30Any more selfish than living for yourself? Your pa...Any more selfish than living for yourself? Your parents sacrificed for you, astonishing you call this selfish.<br /><br />And I thought you were maturing, silly me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-61984762417475695992013-08-11T10:55:32.221+05:302013-08-11T10:55:32.221+05:30I am single right now but I have always wanted to ...I am single right now but I have always wanted to have children - simply because I love the whole bringing up the child part - more the baby bring up part( still the baby becomes the child makes it so much easier to love them). <br /><br />I dont see that being selfish. I mean people adopt too. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-29094957156801280102013-08-11T07:06:01.790+05:302013-08-11T07:06:01.790+05:30Just sharing my thoughts on siblings and then how ...Just sharing my thoughts on siblings and then how that relates to babies. It is absolutely amazing to have a sibling once you get older , especially if the age difference is more than say four years. Its like having a best friend except what's better is that there is a guarantee that you will see them at least a few times a year even if you live in different countries, because they are family and you inevitably end up seeing them. Being practical, the problem with my best friends who are not my sibling is that I haven't seen them in 5 years because they are oceans away. I would travel to see them, sure..if its like between Bangalore and Mumbai maybe but its harder to justify the cost of travel when they are in say Alaska. So yeah, having a sibling is great because it means you have a guaranteed best friend for life.<br />Now moving to babies. I am not much of a baby person either and therefore relate to your sentiments. I don't just not want them, but I am also jealous of my niece getting more attention from everyone, and how she takes up my sister's time completely. I don't seem to be able to connect with the baby that much, maybe I will when she is older but now it is just extremely boring, so I put on an act of being enthusiastic when she is around because you don't want to piss off other family members. So yeah, I don't like babies and I wish people were born as adults so the world could function more efficiently.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-14232986040276350812013-08-10T16:26:16.997+05:302013-08-10T16:26:16.997+05:30I have been married four years and I don't hav...I have been married four years and I don't have children. The husband and I have found ourselves faced with this question of why should we even have children, what's the whole point? It is just because we selfishly want to see a little bit of us in them "Oh she/he has my dimples", or "she/he loves orange marmalade just like me". I have discussed this with friends who have children and those without children and I'm yet to find an answer. I'm almost thirty and the pressure to have a baby is enormous and I'm always constantly warned of my "ticking biological clock", but I don't want to have a baby just because I'm getting older and other people want me to have a baby. Caitlin Moran says having a baby is like buying a heavily discounted coat, you may not need it then, but what if you feel the need for it at a later point in your life? I don't want a baby right now, but a part of me wants to experience motherhood and all that goes with it. Maybe being a mum will make me more patient and less selfish. Who know? Sorry for this long-ish comment, maybe I should do a blog post on my own dilemma :) Maryann Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01163582340349332638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7382033.post-37125598039761584082013-08-10T15:21:25.890+05:302013-08-10T15:21:25.890+05:30Maybe the urge to leave something behind and repro...Maybe the urge to leave something behind and reproduce is selfish, just like writing a book indeed, but I think not having children because you're not willing to give up your space or independence is the epitome of being selfish.<br /><br />For the record: I don't mean to say that not having children for your own (selfish or not selfish) reasons is bad. Everyone is completely allowed to make their own choices without having to justify them. It's just that saying that having children is selfish sounds contradictory, because it is a fact that parents are willing to give up basically everything in order to have those children.Niyanoreply@blogger.com