The Top Seven Dudes I'd Most Like To Bang In Literary History

HAWT FOR DISABILITY AND LOOKING AFTER DUDES BUT REALLY HAVE YOU READ JANE EYRE IT IS A FEMINIST MANI-FUCKING-FESTO OF THIS ORPHAN GIRL WHO BASICALLY CONQUERS THE WHOLE DAMN PLANET AND HARRY POTTER AT LEAST HAD A WAND TO DO IT WITH, JANE HAD NOTHING, NOT EVEN A BEAUTIFUL FACE AND SUCK IT, WORLD.

  
   Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre: Mr Rochester had everything going for him to keep a reader hooked from beginning to end. From his mad wife in the attic (spoiler!) to his love for plain Jane, to the tragic way he goes blind at the end, I’d love to walk about the moors with him—in more ways than one.

Favourite line: I offer you my hand, my heart. Jane, I ask you to pass through life at my side. You are my equal and my likeness. Will you marry me? 

       HELLO FORMER DOUCHEBAG TURNED GOOD BASICALLY THIS IS A DELHI MAN. FITZWILLIAM DARCY IS ALL SORTS OF INFURIATING BUT YOU LIKE TO THINK THEY MADE A GOOD MARRIAGE AND SETTLED DOWN AND SHE DIDN'T TAKE MUCH SHIT FROM HIM

Mr Darcy, Pride And Prejudice: Mr Darcy, Mr Darcy. Whether it’s Colin Firth playing him as the moody, sullen man who comes around because of TRUE LOVE, or just your imagination filling in the blanks, who could deny this love story about a rich but proud man and a poor but smart woman and everything that happened in between? 

Favourite line: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." 

I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY. BUT ALSO IF YOU WERE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO LOVED HOLDEN GROWING UP YOU'D BE A CERTAIN KIND OF ADULT NOW WHICH MEANS YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS AND EVERYONE IS A PHONY 

Holden Caulfield, The Catcher In The Rye: Holden was more of a teenage romance, the boy you gazed at in class, the boy who you wanted to comfort and reassure that the world wasn’t terrible. He tries to run away with a girl he knows, but she rejects him. You wouldn’t, would you?

Favourite line: “I was half in love with her by the time we sat down.  That's the thing about girls.  Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.  Girls.  Jesus Christ.  They can drive you crazy.  They really can.”

    EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN WHO TELLS HER WHAT TO DO IN AN AUTHORITATIVE FASHION AND CLAIMS TO LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS ONLY TO INSIST SHE CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HERSELF WHEN SHE MARRIES HIM

    Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind: This swoony Southern novel has everything you need for a good, old fashioned drama. Not least of all, the tale of Rhett Butler, who loved Scarlett O’Hara, who was foolish enough to spend her life pining for a wimpy man married to her best friend. Sounds like a high school romance? Most of this book is, except set during the Civil War times.

 Favourite line: “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

OMG THE BOY NEXT DOOR AND AMY MARCH IS A BOYFRIEND-STEALING HARLOT 

Laurie, Little Women: Is there anyone on this great, big planet who wasn’t disappointed when Jo March went for an old German professor as opposed to Laurie,  her lively best friend from next door? And then Laurie went and married Jo’s sister, Amy, which was complete and utter betrayal. Regardless, some of Laurie and Amy’s romancing was quite sweet, even if she did steal her sister’s boyfriend. (I never liked Amy.)

Favourite line: “ Someday you’ll find a man, a good man, and you’ll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I’ll be hanged if I stand by and watch.”

 
AND OF COURSE YOU'VE GOTTA MARRY YOUR BFF, JO MARCH. LOOK HOW NICELY ANNE DID IT. EVEN THOUGH JESUS H CHRIST, GILBERT, SLAP ON A CONDOM ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU ARE A DOCTOR AND SEVEN CHILDREN IS QUITE A LOT


Gilbert Blythe, Anne of The Island: Gilbert Blythe doesn’t get the best introduction, as he meets our heroine by calling her names for her red hair. But over the years—and the books—he redeems himself, even when she claims to be in love with someone else. The two truly have a happy ever after, with lots of children and grandchildren. 

 

Favourite line: “I have a dream,” he said slowly. “I persist in dreaming it, although it has often seemed to me that it could never come true. I dream of a home with a hearth-fire in it, a cat and dog, the footsteps of friends – and you!”

EVERYONE HAS DADDY ISSUES. ALSO I'M IN MY THIRTIES NOW. I'M ATTICUS'S AGE. THAT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY DAMN ANCIENT BUT ALSO LESS CREEPY FOR THINKING THAT HE SOUNDS QUITE HOT.  ALSO HI GREGORY PECK YOU HANDSOME DEVIL YOU.

Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird: Atticus Finch had no great romance in this classic book about America’s South, but didn’t he just seem like the best person ever? Sure, you’d have to put up with his two kids, but they seemed nice, and he was just so awesome with his progressive thinking and his amazing lawyering.  Move over, Harvey Whatsyourname.

Favourite line: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

(A version of this appeared in Popxo.com)