If Only They Could Talk: On my favourite talking animal characters

(This appeared in Scroll)

Why is the Talking Beast so beloved as a character trope? I think partly because as children we long to connect with all of our world, not just the parts of it that look like us, and it makes perfect sense that a monkey or an elephant or a pig shouldn't have elaborate and long conversations as much as humans do.

For another, most of us who still believe—slightly sneakily—in magic, also believe that all the animals we see are secretly talking about us behind our backs. Even those people with a more scientific mind tend to anthromorphize animals and give them character traits: cats are independent, dogs are loyal, crows are sneaky and so on and so forth.

Whatever the case is, the Talking Beast is usually a much-loved character in whatever book they're in. Here are some favourites—both mine, and crowd sourced from Twitter and Facebook—broken up into categories for helpful reference.

Animals That Can Only Talk To One Human

Ralph S Mouse from The Mouse And The Motorcycle and Ralph S. Mouse by Beverly Cleary: In these books, Ralph, a smarter-than-average mouse can talk to boys who are “like him,” slightly shy and lonely and obsessed with toy cars and motorcycles.

Dr Dolittle's animals from the Dr Dolittle books by Hugh Lofting: Here, the idea is that Dr Dolittle—who loves animals—has taken it upon himself to learn all the animal languages in the world. It means that the books are peppered with conversations he has with his dog Jip, his parrot and teacher, Polynesia, and my favourite, the green canary, who tells him her life story in Dr Dolittle And The Green Canary, which he turns into an animal opera, complete with singing parts for each creature.

Pet Animals That Talk (Non-Magic In Human World)

Kiki from the Adventure series by Enid Blyton: Most beloved of all Enid Blyton's mystery books featuring kid detectives, pimarily because the others featured just a dog (albeit a very smart one) and these series had a whole lot of animals from badgers to mice. But foremost amongst them was an extremely smart parrot called Kiki who added her nonsense to the beginning and end of these books and helped lighten up the slightly darker tone of these Blyton books (compared to other cozy mysteries.)

Pet Animals That Talk (Magic in Human World)

Archimedes from The Once And Future King by T.H White: Pre-Hedwig, perhaps even the inspiration for Hedwig was the very wise Archimedes, a sarcastic owl who claimed lineage from Athena. In the books, he's Merlin's familiar and pet, but he'd never deliver mail or do anything below his dignity. 

The movie is not AS fun as the book but underrated Disney classic nonetheless

 

Porterhouse Major from Porterhouse Major by Margaret Baker: I had to include Porterhouse Major, who starts out a normal kitten but thanks to a spell put on him by a little boy called Rory, turns into almost a tiger-sized animal. Porterhouse then can talk and solve problems, and is very wise as well as very selfish, as is expected from a cat. (If any of you can name the other magic cat book whose name eludes me: of a girl who lives with her grandparents and befriends a local cat who also has magic powers and helps her get what she wants, there's a prize in it for you.)

Magic Animals In Magic Worlds

Bree from The Horse And His Boy by C.S Lewis: Perhaps you're surprised I don't name Aslan the lion from the same books, but I have no patience for Aslan. The Horse And His Boy stand out in the Chronicles Of Narnia because it is the only book set entirely in Narnia with no children arriving from outside to rescue the country. And chief to it all is Bree, a war stallion who is vain and strong and a good friend in the end—almost human and not at all a goody-goody like some lions I could mention.

Iorek Byrnison from the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman: The armoured bear had a way with words, and a strong sense of right and wrong, and was perhaps my favourite character from the books. Think of him as a sort of Yoda-meets-father-figure.

Toy Animals That Come To Life For Their Owners

Hobbes from the comic strip Calvin And Hobbes by Bill Watterson: Everyone knows Hobbes, right? And yet, the first time you realise he's just a stuffed toy is a moment of sadness for you. The strips zoom in and out of Calvin's perspective—showing Hobbes both as wise mentor and best friend as well as Hobbes lying on the floor, as a stuffed animal.

Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh and The House At Pooh Corner by A.A. Milne: I was going to put Tigger in here, but let's be honest—Tigger would wear us out in the first five minutes of making his acquaintance. Instead, it's gloomy Eeyore, the sad donkey that captured everyone's attention, making him one of the most suggested names on my social media posts asking for favourite talking animals. They're all stuffed animals though, who belong to Christopher Robin, but who have their own lives when he's not there.

Animals That Only Talk To Each Other

Charlotte from Charlotte's Web by E.B White: Again, a popular pick among my Twitter and Facebook friends, Charlotte is the motherly spider who is the mastermind behind saving her piggy best friend, Wilbur, from being turned into bacon. While she can write English words into her web, Charlotte only talks to her fellow barnyard animals, and not to humans, who can't understand her, except for Fern who stays so quiet the animals are comfortable talking around her.

Hazel from Watership Down by Richard Adams: Fiver may be the hero in this book about rabbits travelling from one warren to another to save their skins, but Hazel turns out to be the best (rabbit) hero after all. You probably don't spend that much time thinking about rabbits, but after a while inside Hazel's head, you'll pay more attention to their inner lives next time. No humans at all, except for a looming outside threat.

Kotick from The White Seal, a story in The Jungle Books by Rudyard Kipling: Nope, not all Mowgli fighting tigers. Interestingly, The Jungle Books contains a number of non-Mowgli animal stories, where all the creatures talk to each other. It was a toss-up between Kotick the albino seal, who—much like Hazel—has to find a newer, safer breeding ground for his tribe and Rikki Tikki Tavi the mongoose, but Kotick wins in the end, for being a better hero. Again, people are perceived vaguely as a threat, but not spoken to.

Animals That Can Talk To Humans But Are Not Perceived As Unusual

Paddington Bear from the Paddington books by Michael Bond: Was there ever a more loved bear than Paddington? This adorable bear from “darkest Peru” makes himself very much a part of his human family, but interestingly, no one questions why he can talk (and sleep in a bed or eat human food) and why the other animals can't. It's just one of those things.

Special thanks to people who responded to my question on Twitter and Facebook.

People spotting safari at the Jaipur Lit Fest

(Since it's almost that time of the year, I dug this out of my archives. A version of this article appeared in Conde Nast Traveller in January)

Hello, check, one two three.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a brief introduction: I've been to the Jaipur Literature Festival (JLF) enough times to be able to predict with accuracy the cast of characters you'd see if you were to wander. Think of this as a safari, think of me with a David Attenborough voice, and if you're all strapped in, we'll begin. Please do not feed the delegates. Thank you.

1) The Harried Journalist: Hard to get a good glimpse of this one, but there's quite a good specimen to your left running across the lawn, phone clutched in one hand, notebook in the other. Notice the way they're waving their cellphone in the air, like some sort of elaborate mating ritual. There'll be plenty of time for mating later at the parties, at this point, your Harried Journalist is trying to get some sort of data signal—any sort of data signal to send off some of the daily tweets s/he's promised his newspaper (okay, okay, news website) s/he'd do in exchange for being able to do this junket. Also, s/he's dying to make her/his friends jealous by posting a selfie next to a Speaker (more about them later on). Alas, no signal. S/he's going to have to trek across the lawn to the press terrace after all.

2) The Professional Reader: There she comes, probably with some of her relatives in tow—a mother, a cousin, a niece, a daughter. The Professional Reader, much like the elephant, usually has a matriarchal society, where she is most comfortable with female publishers. Lucky for her that they far outnumber the men. No one knows what the Professional Reader's real job is, she's always at some literature festival or another, always seems to know everyone, and is usually beloved in a quiet understated sort of way.

3) The Aspiring Writer: Watch carefully and you'll see not one but both sub-species of the Aspiring Writer. Here comes sub-species 1.0 The Ingénue. Wide eyed and smiley faced, the Ingénue has the ability to be asking for your help at one JLF, only to be blanking you two JLFs later, after s/he's cozying up to all the “best writers.” And just across from The Ingénue is sub-species 1.1 The Misanthrope. S/he's there with one token friend who they whisper to as the aforementioned “best writers” pass, s/he's turning up their nose at all the talks, and if you tell them you like something, s/he'll have a hundred reasons why you're wrong. When you ask them what they're planning on doing, they look at you somewhat pityingly and say, “Writing a book.” Implied that their book is a tour de force, and they, as authors, are much better than all these poseurs.

4) The Speaker: You'll be able to distinguish this colourful flock by the shade of the band around their neck. While The Harried Journalist wears her name tag with a certain urgency, the Speaker casually drapes it, only the colour showing, while the card disappears into a pocket or behind a scarf. Newly minted Speakers have a bright eyed bushy tailed expression, look at me, I'm here, I'm actually here, some of them might even have a little skip in their step. But the older Speakers, who are invited year after year, know which venue is the best one, and can rank your importance accordingly. By day three though, even the new Speakers have learned to be blasé, and are no longer impressed by the unlimited glasses of wine they can have on a sunny afternoon. Still, they're all delighted to sign books, and devastated if their friend gets asked to sign and they don't.

5) The Old Hand: Sometimes a sub-species of the Speaker, sometimes not, the Old Hand is that person over there who is rolling their eyes at the crowds of school children descending on a Speaker for autographs. Listen, and you'll hear their carrying voice: “In 2007, did you come to JLF in 2007? Oh, you should have. It was so much better. Not all these---” voice drops “---people.” They'll also drop a festival organiser's name in there for good measure. “I was telling Willy/Namita/Sanjoy.” Bonus points if they mention all three. (But bonus points for whom? That's the question.) Find an Old Hand if you want to get out of the venue to eat, however. They know where all the food's good.

6) The Khan Marketeers: Like large flocks of migratory birds, this species can be seen going anywhere there's “everyone.” And in this case, travel for six hours by road (in a big car stocked carefully with expensive snacks bought at L'Opera or Sugar & Spice, washed down by thermoses of the best tea brewed early in the morning for them by their khaandaani Man Friday) or a few hours by plane (only business class on one of the better airlines) to be seen at Jaipur for the literature festival. Do they actual attend any of the sessions? Do they sit on the grassy lawns in their immaculate white cotton, spreading out camel coloured pashminas below them? Do they only exist to have tea at the Rambagh with their friends, all the while talking about the big actor draw of that year's festival (in 2017, it's Rishi Kapoor) and how they must all get together for dinner at the farm as soon as they return, and maybe Mini* will be able to bring Rishi. (*Name for representational purposes only.)

That's the end of our Jaipur Safari for 2017. Other smaller species to look for, who I won't go into detail about: the Wide-Eyed Fan, the Students Who Aren't Buying A Single Book But Carrying Around Autograph Books And Collecting Signatures Anyway, that One Friend Of Yours Who Was At The Most Controversial Session Of The Day And Will Not Stop Talking About It and the Person Who Has Given Up On Ever Entering Any Of The Venues And Is Now Just Getting Drunk. If you spot any new varieties this year, do let me know.

Exit through the gift shop on the right.

A listicle recap of the Republic Day Parade 2016

Ah, the Republic Day Parade. Such a tradition. Such an excuse to sit in the winter sun and be patriotic. Such a traffic mess on the day itself. I attended this year and made notes so I could recap it here for you.

*not me in traffic*

1) When they say “all roads are closed” they really do mean “all roads are closed.” One assumed with a VIP car parking sticker (I have friends in high places), I'd be able to zoom across the distance and get to the parade in plenty of time. Instead, imagine a straight line between my house and the parade venue. Then imagine a crazy doodle curving and spinning all across the page. The little spot on the crazy doodle? That was me in my car.

2) Once I got there, obviously the VIP section (with booths! Near the President!) was closed, so I was sent off to sit with the “regular people.” There were rows of seats on the grass and a set of theatre style bleachers at the back. Those filled up the first. In the rows of seats on the lawn, people stood up to look at floats and marching, leading to lots of shouts, and in one case, a very heated argument from the back.

LET'S GO FLY A KITE, UP WHERE THE SKY IS BRIGHT

3) Some people got a printed programme which was very useful in identifying what was actually going on in front of you. There was audio commentary, but they only started talking about the various displays once they reached the VIP section, leading to a distinct audio lag for those of us in the cheap seats. (Unfortunately, I didn't notice the programme until much later, when I stole it from a seven-year-old who looked really upset, until I reasoned with her that she didn't need two, after all.)

On the plus side, did not have to suffer these children doing their annual day dance

4) We got there just in time to see the helicopters flying overhead us. Funny how something so out of a dystopian film—the distinct whirr of their blades, the feeling like war is imminent—could elicit so much fond feeling in those of us sitting below. The cheers only grew louder as a faint scattering of rose petals dropped on the audience. I felt the same way when we watched the fly past in the end with jets leaving contrails in the sky. Those things are used for weapons and bombs and yet, we all paused to gawp at them.

Hi! I'm a helicopter! Look at my friendly flag! Totally not going to kill you!

5) The biggest success was the dog squad. Adorable Alsations and Labradors looking very proud of themselves, tongues lolling out, trotting professionally besides their handlers, except for one in the back row who looked around him with obvious pleasure at the outing. The other animals, i.e, the BSF Camels Contingent were no less popular. The camels were decorated with gorgeous mirrorwork shawls and their handlers all had proud mustaches. However, I'm not sure if riding a camel is the best way to defend a border, but maybe the camels are just for show and they have tanks or jeeps or something less likely to buck and throw you off it.

WHO'S A GOOD BOY? I AM! I AM A GOOD BOY!

6) A bit more baffling were the random “mechanised columns” showing off our weaponry. (When I say “our” I mean “India's,” not mine personally, but this leads me to a whole discourse on how Republic Day is basically an exercise in saying “our this” and “our that,” which I will get to in the next point.) Not only do the missiles and radar equipment make for an extremely boring tableau, but they seemed rather pointless in that these large phallic shaped things were obviously meant to inspire confidence and show us where our tax money is going, but it felt like a bit of a waste. (Especially to me and my extremely pacifist leanings.)

What's long and thick and full of seamen?
A submarine.
Har de har har.

7) A few words on whipping up a patriotic frenzy as Republic Day is meant to do. This year, along with the actual parade, there's also a “Patriotism Fair” on in Delhi's Red Fort with the army band playing and stalls from around the country and what not. Now, food is great, as is a good marching band, but it all stinks slightly of jingoism to me. There's a thin line between being proud of your country and fanaticism, and the problem with shows like the Republic Day parade (and to a great extent, the Wagah Border ceremony where soldiers stamp the ground to demonstrate their aggression) is that it doesn't encourage you to think of the problems. You see the army, the men who are basically fodder for wars that are stupid, the children in the NCC, and so on, and you can't help wondering whether there's a better solution. And the government doesn't want you to think that way, they want you to keep going with the Everything Is Awesome narrative they're laying at your feet so you can salute the soldiers, stand to attention with the national anthem and so on and so forth.

I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALLLLLL

8) And finally on a lighter note, the state floats were hilarious this year. Everyone noticed Chandigarh which chose to express itself with a man reading a newspaper in the park while people exercised around him, but no eyebrows raised for the Goa float? Which showed, incongruously, large statues of Hanuman and Ganesh, because when you think of Goa, obviously that's what you think of first. Hindu Gods. The digital India float, as dull as it was, got the most claps as the crowds around me started whispering, “Look! It's cell phones!”

Totally standing in line to go into a temple.

(A version of this post appeared as my column in mydigitalfc.com)

2016, here I come!

I thought about making this column a list of resolutions for 2016—since this is my last one of the year, but then I thought, “Nah. Let's make it about me instead.” (This is where I'd insert a smiley-face emoticon if that was regular practice in columns.) But no, the point is to put out there some of the things I hope to do in 2016 (let's face it though: most resolutions are broken as early as January) and maybe you'll be inspired to do your own list too. I find that after 34 years of New Years, you run somewhat short on ideas on new things to do, so here are some I'm throwing in there.

1) Read more non-fiction: I read a lot, so reading is never on a list of Things To Do, but I invariably steer towards fictions—usually novels, and usually about relationships. Not just romantic ones either, I'm interested in the human condition, but non-fiction has never been something I do for leisure. Which is a shame because there are so many good books out there and so many that I would probably love. 2016 is the year I'm going to wade through my vast list: one non-fiction to every two novels and hopefully by the end of the year I'll have a lot more knowledge under my belt. I stopped my education after my bachelor's degree, and I've realised that most of what I've learned—while my friends went on to MAs or MBAs—has been “in real life” so to speak. When you stop learning things, you stagnate, and I don't want that to happen to me.

2) Edit down on “stuff”: Every year I go through my cupboards in the hope of finding some order in them, but usually in a week or so they go back to being a mess. No longer. I will discard things that either no longer fit or are unflattering no matter how much I like them or how much they cost. (Pass them on to a grateful friend, perhaps?) I will stop keeping every item that comes my way. In this world of instant shopping it's very easy to wind up with a bunch of stuff you don't really need, and I'm going to be ruthless in throwing things away—or recycling them—for a clutter-free happy life. This is the year I'll be moving to a new home, so it would be nice to start afresh.

3) Make an effort: I'm not a bad friend, in fact usually I'm a pretty good one, but I am beset by laziness. So for someone's birthday, wedding or special occasion I always think I'll get them a present eventually and never get around to it. I mean to meet a friend only in town for a week and don't push our schedules together. Things like that I mean to change. Life is short and having friends is wonderful. I'm going to work harder on my relationships, make meaningful gestures and I'm sure my life will be enriched for it.

4) Work harder at craft: After a while, writing, like everything else, becomes something you do automatically. Less so for the fiction I write, but when fingers hit keyboard, sometimes words come out of you without you thinking too much about it. I'm going to contemplate my sentences this year, spend less time when I'm thinking going back and forth to Facebook or Twitter, where I scroll down the pages like they're worry beads, and more time staring out of the window. I placed my desk next to a window for a purpose, and that was to have something to look at while I was thinking. This may not apply to you in every way, but think about the job you're doing and whether you're doing it the best way you can, and whether this is what you want to do for the rest of your life. If so, how can you make it so you're challenging yourself every day? That's the trick to an exciting life.

Happy New Year, all! May the end of the year be sparkly and celebrated exactly the way you'd like and when we talk again, it'll be in the new beginnings the future holds.  

(A version of this appeared as my column on mydigitalfc.com)

A list of things I would like to propose we get "independence from"

1) Long lines.
2) No lines at all and everyone just shoving their way in anyway.
3) That horrible IRCTC website and how long it takes to do anything on it.
4) People who smell bad.
5) People who hurt weaker people/animals because they obviously have small penises.
6) People who think the world begins and ends with their penis.
7) People who drive really fast in residential areas and don't slow down until the very last minute making an "eeeeeek" sound with their tires.
8) People who flake on plans at the last minute when you're already all dressed up and perfumed and you have to take everything off and resign yourself to an evening in instead of an evening out.
9) The heat.
10) The cold.
11) The mugginess.
12) People who check my name before they bitch about other religions, so they know they're not offending me DIRECTLY.
13) People who gather round a scene and watch, I seriously want to slap all their faces, STOP FUCKING WATCHING ME.
14) People who win an argument just by shouting.
15) People.
16) Things.
17) Petrol prices.

Happy 69th Independence Day, India! 

The best TV I've watched this summer

I'm huge TV lover--I really believe the television show is the new movie--I'm fairly up-to-date on what's showing, thanks to "working" from home, large chunks of time where I hate myself and binge watch television without doing anything else and subscribing to several TV and pop culture websites to see what's hot.

July through September is a fairly bleak time for those of us who watch American television. All the shows you're into are off the air for the summer and you have to settle for random rubbish or *gasp* not watch TV at all. Luckily, I have superior Googling skills, so I managed to find some TV that did not suck, although a lot of it does: this time of the year being when channels experiment with shit.

Books? Who cares about books?

SO, here's my list:

(Finished): Big Love. HBO show about a polygamist Mormon, his three very different wives, the politics of the polygamist sect and MORE. There's drama! Family relations! Mafia! It's seriously awesome. I cried at the series finale. (Complete show, five seasons)

(Ongoing) Everwood. Recommended by one of my TV forums as something that MIGHT fill the Gilmore Girls shaped hole in my heart. It's not quite the same as fast talking Lorelei and Rory, BUT, it gets quite interesting. Surgeon Andy Brown moves to Everwood from NYC with his two kids after his wife dies suddenly, and becomes the local doctor. Only, there's all sorts of interpersonal relationships, and stuff happening and not just feel-good stuff either, real shit. You'll like it if you like that sort of thing. (Complete show, four seasons)

(Ongoing) The Fosters. A show about two lesbian moms who open their home to a bunch of adopted and foster kids. DO I NEED TO SAY MORE? (Ongoing show, on season 3 at the moment)

(Pilot watched) The Astronaut Wives Club. I'm a huge fan of anything period-drama-y, and this is very Mad Men or more like Pan Am (RIP) focussing on the wives first bunch of astronauts to orbit earth. I'm not sure how it'll pan out, but I did really enjoy the pilot. (1 season, 10 (?) episodes.)

(Pilot watched) Mr Robot. It's sort of hilarious this show, how it puts exciting music over the image of someone typing on a computer (it's about hackers and cyber security in a way) and yet I found it completely engrossing. Definitely going to watch more.  (Season one is airing now, up till episode 7.)

(Ongoing) UnREAL. Really, really, REALLY like this show. It's a dark drama set on the sets of a reality show sort of like The Bachelor. So, fictional, but also showing us how reality TV is manipulated. (1 season, 10 episodes)

(Finished) Catastrophe. An excellent rom com, but also dark humour about a one night stand that extends into forever when the woman gets pregnant. Hilarious in a it's-funny-because-it's-true way. (1 season, 6 episodes)

And also shows that are good but I haven't finished yet, because HOW MUCH TV CAN ONE PERSON WATCH.

Daredevil: I wish they'd use some more lighting in this twisty adaptation of a Marvel superhero. But fun, action-y thing to watch with your boyfriend.

Wolf Hall: I'm putting off watching this till I have a huge chunk of time to watch it back-to-back which is basically never, but I watched the pilot and it is AMAZING.

What I'm Reading: Link List #6

Trying to clear this backlog of links PLUS trying to put off doing some real writing. The blog is a writer's frenemy! I'm awfully sleepy this morning, but I've already come up with a great name and concept for a YouTube channel: eMdorse, like when I endorse stuff? Recommendations and things. Now that I've named it, I feel like my work is done. Yay for ideas!

Onward!


Free + amazing short stories and essays in Out Of Print magazine. This time's issue is all about violence against women, and the editors are Samhita Arni and Meena Kandasamy and the whole thing is just SO GOOD, I urge you to put aside a great chunk of your evening, settle down with your tea and just have a read.


Oh Joy Sex Toy is a weekly comic at Bitch Magazine exploring sex and sexuality, and last week's one was about abortion. I haven't had an abortion, but I know the statistics in India are particularly high, and there's nothing to be ashamed/afraid of, and here is some information about what's going to happen in case you need it.

 

Via Ladies Finger (which you should subscribe to and like on Facebook, I want to link to all their links!) here is an important article called 10 Words Every Girl Should Learn about how often we use apology/apologetic notes in our conversations, and let's stop. We don't owe the world niceness. We don't owe the world anything (Except being kind to the enviroment.)

It's not hard to fathom why so many men tend to assume they are great and that what they have to say is more legitimate. It starts in childhood and never ends. Parents interrupt girls twice as often and hold them to stricter politeness norms. Teachers engage boys, who correctly see disruptive speech as a marker of dominant masculinity, more often and more dynamically than girls.

And my FAVOURITE story this week, how an Indian farmer adopted a little kitten and wound up with a BIG surprise.

Another day, he chased a little Black Bengal goat while its mother pitifully bleated her agony. However, this time he was seen by people in broad daylight. Golu had been caught red-handed. The neighbours decided to pay his owner a visit to ask him to contain this leopard cub or tiger cub or whatever it was... because it certainly wasn’t a house cat! But the moment they stepped into the compound of the house, Golu expressed his disapproval. He arched his back, his fur stood on end and his teeth gleamed as he surveyed the intruders to his territory.

Wrapping up with a lovely feeling essay. I hate cricket, always have, it's just so mind numbingly boring, and I'm actually kind of sneakily glad we lost this last world cup because that's a few fewer weeks I have to hear about it. Here's a story by Samir Chopra in Cric Info called Acknowledging The Indian Who Doesn't Care For Cricket. (Link via Nilanjana Roy, a fellow cricket hater.)

Yes, it's true. There are many Indians - millions! - who cannot bring themselves to care about bat and ball, willow and leather, stump and bail, and all of the rest. They are resolute in their indifference, and sometimes pungent in their hostility. This anti-cricket sentiment in India has a long and venerable history, going all the way back to cricket's earliest days, when passionate nationalists railed against the importation of this latest colonial imposition, this all-too transparent attempt to impose English culture on the Indian landscape, this latest way for insecure, grasping Indians to ape the manners and mores of their colonial masters, this inflamer of "communal" passions in pitting Hindu against Parsee and Muslim.

What I'm Reading: Link List #5

Hello gentle readers. I'm back after a long vacay, and besides having to give up smoking again from scratch (smoked like a fiend on holiday, like a convict going to the gallows or something), I'm not sinking into that deep depression also known as the post-vacay blues. Trees are in full bloom, summer is very nearly here and my cats are still douchebags, but lovable ones.

Reading! I didn't get many links done on holiday, so here is a slightly more abbreviated list than usual:

This story in Indian Express about a missing girl and a cop whose mission it is to find her is awesome, and I saw it (deservedly) linked in a zillion places, but just ICYMI, here it is again: Girl No. 166

The case eventually moved to a special team, but everyone in the police station knew he was the man who continues to look for Pooja. “We are afraid he will have his breakfast and walk into the police station some day, just to check on her case. He has forgotten himself in these two years,” says constable Manoj Desai, 38.

In a green diary — he calls it his personal “missing detection granth” — he has neatly noted down all the cases in blue and black ink. Once a person is found, that entry is struck off in red. There is probably no smear of red on the page which has Pooja’s case history. “I cannot show you that page. I am superstitious. I haven’t shown it to anyone,” he says.

Reddit is always good for a time-sink, and this thread on the "glitch in the Matrix" is worth several hours of your workday. Read at your own risk! 

My dad had this little toy monkey that he used to call his "favorite child" and tease me and my siblings with it. Not in a bad way, but it was really frustrating to us and we spent hours trying to steal it from him.

Well anyways, one day we finally got it and threw it into the garbage after drawing on it and mangling it for a bit. We My dad laughed and searched for it a bit but basically figured we had thrown it out and gave up after a week or so.

Anyways, a few years later (when I was about 17), I'm walking down the street in Toronto (I don't live in TO, was just visiting friends) and see this little orange object on the side of the road. When I walk over to it, I pick it up and see that it was the EXACT SAME FUCKING MONKEY. It even had the black sharpie lines on it from when we drew all over it. I honestly cannot even come up with the chances of that happening, especially considering our garbage is sent to a local dump and is nowhere near Toronto.

EDIT: I actually took it with me and killed it with fire just so I knew it wouldn't come back again.

Salman Khan, Mumbai's favourite murderer, has a restaurant dedicated to him now. Missing memorabilia: one sidewalk with dead people on it.

A lot of thought has gone into the planning of the restaurant, nevertheless (check out the pictures below), including a special comic book food menu that has a breakfast section named 'Anda Apna Apna' and a beverages section called 'Ek Garam Chai Ki Pyaali Ho'. They have three delivery bikes, all of whose numbers end with '2712' — alluding to the superstar's birth date. "We paid double the money to get those particular registration numbers," says Kanal. "But it was worth it." Also in the works — a life-size Salman figurine that will greet visitors at the entrance.

Doordarshan has a really cool books show called Kitabnaama. I've been on it a few times, and here I am in conversation with Ananya Banerjee, author of Kitty Party Sanyasins. Totally want to be on TV now. Who wants to give me a books show?

And finally, since Goa is very much on my mind (WE'RE DOING IT WE'RE DOING IT), here's an amazing story in Rural India Online (which is an amazing resource) on the Bhadel, female porters of Goa:

The introduction of the Konkan railway in the late 1990s brought in migrant workers from neighboring states, affecting the women’s earnings – cheap labour, sturdy young men were tough to compete with, leaving the women without work, resting their feet. But local merchants swear by the trustworthiness of the Bhadels. They leave their shops open in their care and do not hesitate to send them to the bank to deposit large amounts of money.

 The Bhadels earn anything between 50 to 200 rupees a day. As things stand in 2015, carrying a medium sized shopping bag will fetch three rupees, hauling a steel cupboard will bring in 50 rupees to be divided by the number of women involved and carrying 50 kg goods will earn them 20 rupees. 

And that's my week's wrap up! As always, if you're reading anything fun, top me up in the comments. 

These Are The Best Facebook Groups For Indian Foodies

Foodies and Facebook seem made for each other in this digital age, as much as bread and butter and coffee and two sugars. I’m a grazer—I like to lurk on food groups seeing what’s hot and what’s not (actually, the “what’s not” reviews are always more fun to read), but there are loads of people who take the art of food writing—and by extension, food commenting and food sharing—super seriously on their various Facebook communities.

Do you love to eat? Do you love to talk about what you eat? Do you love to ask food related questions? Most importantly: do you love to lurk and enjoy a little schadenfreude? HAVE I GOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!

SNARF.

Name: EatTreat
Vital Stats:

--> 21, 483 45,381 membersStatus: Open group
Good for: A bit of a smorgasbord. Recipes. Asking for recommendations (eg: “What should I eat in Bangkok?”) And also for making a complaint about a restaurant—the restaurant owners monitor it, so it’s a good place to get something redressed. Plus, a good group to just lurk for reviews of new places.

MAN I COULD EAT BRIE ALL DAY TOO, ALICE

Name: Sikandalous Cuisine
Vital Stats: 17,460 23, 105 members
Status: Open Closed group
Good for: A dedicated recipe focused food group, where members post pictures of what they’ve cooked along with how they cooked it. Plus super convenient because all the recipes are searchable. And you can ask the author of the recipe for clarifications if you’re trying to make something they did. Pretty cool.

Basically Bruno at every meal

Name: Good Vegetarian Food of Calcutta 
Vital Stats: 10,822 members 
Status: Open group 
Good for: Super specific about Kolkata’s vegetarian food and sweets. If you’re a resident of that city, or simply a Bongophile, this is a great place to lurk. Especially for excellent vegetarian Bengali recipes—not something catered to a lot on the world wide web.  THIS GROUP NO LONGER EXISTS, SO IN EXCHANGE, HERE ARE MY FOUR FAVOURITE FOOD GROUPS (right now. I'm a woman of evolving tastes) WITH WHERE TO GET THEM IN DELHI

1) Burgers: Monkey Bar, Ploof, Hungry Monkey
2) Pizza: NYC.Pie, Diva (all Italian), although NYC.Pie SUCKS because they used to deliver to Nizamuddin and we were super happy and they just randomly stopped, and now we'll never be able to eat there again. Boo. I hate these geographic-ist places, so just Diva then.
3) Indian: Indian Accent, Nasir Iqbal, Beliram Degchiwala, Ghalib's, Toddy Shop, Carnatic Cafe.
4) Asian: Fuji, Guppy by Ai.

Have you tried Fuji in Connaught Place? This is my face there. IT'S AMAZE.

 Name: Gourmet Planet
Vital Stats: 15,794,  19,772 members
Status: Closed group: send a membership request
Good for: Events. If you join, you’ll be notified of all of Gourmet Planet’s dinners—usually meals at amazing new restaurants at a discount. Much like Eat Treat, there are reviews and feedback of new restaurants, but slightly kinder.

No one is judging you

Name: Indian Restaurant Spy
Vital Stats: 853  2638 members
Status: Closed group: send a membership request
Good for: The group to be when you want the down and dirty on a new restaurant. Full of “insider knowledge”, you should also read the blog by group founder Sourish Bhattacharyya.

Chee so much jhoota

Name: Indian Food Freak 
Vital Stats: 13,918  22778 members
Status: Closed group: send a membership request
Good for: Reviews again. A companion Facebook group to the website, this group aims to collect recipes and share “candid and trustworthy” information. Plus they have a volunteer group called IFF Cares, which works to create opportunities for chefs specializing in regional Indian cuisine.

This is me as a little girl with my mum

Name: My Continental Kitchen 
Vital Stats: 3,419 12834 members
Status: Open group
Good for: I actually just stumbled upon this group recently, but they’re doing good work. From the about section: “Hands on basic and advanced Continental food, prepared with ingredients available in Indian Metros.” I know a lack of ingredients is a huge problem when you’re trying to whip up something fancy, and this group helps.

Oh, ALSO, if this is a problem when you're baking, I love, love, love Pooja Dhingra's The Big Book Of Treats and have baked my way through it. Seriously worth it.


                                                 

Literally never been so neat eating bhutta

(a version of this post appeared on popxo.com)

Game Of Thrones? Bitch please. (Some bad-ass Indian queens to up the history vs fantasy ante)

Obviously, my favourite character in Game of Thrones is Daenerys Targaryen (followed in very close succession by Arya Stark.) It got me thinking about India’s queens, and whether there were real life equivalents to the Mother of Dragons. Everyone knows the Rani of Jhansi, but there are some other pretty cool queens whose names aren’t said nearly often enough. Minus fire breathing reptiles, plus the awesomeness. (A version of this was published on POPxo.com)

Casually caressing a phallic symbol

  Ahilyabai Holkar (13 May 1725 to 13 August 1795): Ahilyabai ruled the Malwa kingdom after the death of her husband and father in law. After she ascended to the throne, she didn’t keep purdah anymore, instead appearing in public every day to listen to any problems her subjects might have.

What makes her badass: Being an awesome ruler. She was all for the rights of widows—letting them both inherit their husbands property, and adopt sons. She also built up her city of Maheshwar into a cultural hub, sponsoring poets and seeing to an active textile industry. The Brits sung her praises in written history, and there’s even a poem that goes:

"For thirty years her reign of peace,
The land in blessing did increase;
And she was blessed by every tongue,
By stern and gentle, old and young.
Yea, even the children at their mothers feet
Are taught such homely rhyming to repeat
"In latter days from Brahma came,
To rule our land, a noble Dame,
Kind was her heart, and bright her fame,
And Ahlya was her honoured name."

Strapless bra keeps falling off? FIXED IT.

Rudrama Devi (1259 to 1289 AD): One of the few queens to rule as a result of direct accession to the throne, Rudrama was called Rudradeva after a formal ceremony designating her as a son. She took over the throne at 14, after her father died.

What makes her badass: She loved a particular form of dance, Perini, part of the Tandava school, so much, that she had all her soldiers learn it as part of their battle training. While some of her noblemen and cousins resented her rising to the throne as a woman, she wore male clothing and sat on the throne anyway. She also won several wars, chasing a Yadav king back into his own kingdom and forcing him to make peace.

Hey. HEY. Does this statue make me look fat?

Kittur  Chennamma (October 23, 1778 to February 21 1829): Much like the more famous Rani of Jhansi, Chennamma was trained in horse riding and sword fighting, and led a rebellion against the British in her district in Karnataka. 
 What makes her badass: After her son died, Chennamma tried to adopt another, but the British rulers weren’t having it, ordering his expulsion and trying to seize her assets. She led an armed rebellion against them, which she won, when she asked for the war to stop. However, they captured her later and tossed her into prison, but that aside, she continues to be a symbol of the Independence movement.

It is my ambition to one day star in an ACK comiv

Razia al-din (1205 to 1240): Possibly the first person in history to use a version of that old line, “Don’t call me babe.” Razia refused to answer to Sultana, but insisted that everyone call her Sultan. Again, she ascended the throne after her father died, but Muslim nobility overthrew her and put her brother on the throne instead. 

What makes her badass: So, the brother got himself assassinated, and there was Razia on the throne herself after all. She dressed like a man, and was a fantastic politician by all accounts. She was the first female monarch of the Delhi Sultanate, and played the game very well, making rebel forces fight with each other instead of with her. Her downfall was love (let that be a lesson, ladies), and when she appointed her lover to a high position, nobility revolted again, and she was imprisoned, only let go when she agreed to marry the leader of the rebels.

Am I bothered by burning boats? I DON'T THINK SO

  Abbaka Chowta (16^th century): The closest thing this list has to a dragon, Abbaka is known in legend to be the last person to use a fire arrow. She was also perhaps the first sort of freedom fighter in India, leading a war against the Portugese when they invaded her her capital in Karnataka. 
What makes her badass: First of all, the name she went by among her subjects was Abhaya Rani, or fearless queen. She dumped her husband and returned to her kingdom after marriage, which made him join the Portugese against her. When they charged, she hid in a mosque, gathered 200 people and attacked in the night, killing the general, and forcing the troops to evacuate the fort they had taken over. Apparently, she also had two daughters, who she trained in the arts of war, and who fought alongside her.