My latest book is The One Who Swam With The Fishes.

"A mesmerizing account of the well-known story of Matsyagandha ... and her transformation from fisherman’s daughter to Satyavati, Santanu’s royal consort and the Mother/Progenitor of the Kuru clan." - Hindustan Times

"Themes of fate, morality and power overlay a subtle and essential feminism to make this lyrical book a must-read. If this is Madhavan’s first book in the Girls from the Mahabharata series, there is much to look forward to in the months to come." - Open Magazine

"A gleeful dollop of Blytonian magic ... Reddy Madhavan is also able to tackle some fairly sensitive subjects such as identity, the love of and karmic ties with parents, adoption, the first sexual encounter, loneliness, and my favourite, feminist rage." - Scroll

Sign up for my newsletter: The Internet Personified

28 July 2007

Okay, universe, I'm crying 'uncle'. STOP

A little hope is more dangerous than a big hope. Big hopes are easily quenchable, you know somewhere in the back of your head that it could all blow up and you’ll be left back at square one. A little hope on the other hand, never quite leaves you, and niggles and niggles away at the back of your mind, leaving you exhilarated and butterfly-tummied at the oddest moments. It’s not easy to push away a little hope. It’s like a mosquito versus a snake. It stays under your skin, itching and you have to keep scratching at it. There is no anti-venom.

A little hope is not worth wallowing over when it’s proven to not exist, no one—least of all yourself—will get the sort of misery the abandonment of a little hope causes. The vanishing of a little hope annoys you more than makes you sad, it makes you dislike the world and get cross and snarly inside. A little hope gives you pleasure—not the same sort of pleasure a big hope does—not a rainbows and puppy dogs pleasure, but a muted sort of feeling that life is not quite as bad at it seemed after all. It’s not toe curling or sunshine on a cloudy day inspiring, but it is hope. Killing the little hope often makes you shrug your shoulders and go, ‘Oh well, what’re you going to do?’ and yet, and yet you feel as though there will be no big hopes, no hopes of any kind at all, because the little hope can very easily feel like a big hope under the right circumstances.

Of course, if you’re a cynic like me, you’ve made provisions for the end of a little hope too. I’m having a shitty week. Completely, one hundred per cent shitty. It started, to be fair, with only a sixty per cent shittiness—with this nasty flu, but then as all other areas of my life began to roller coaster downhill with the same alarming rapidity—I sit here Friday evening and wonder if it could possibly get any worse. Seriously, in the history of bad luck weeks, I think mine deserves to be up there in the hall of fame. They should have halls of fame for bad weeks. It might make us feel a little better about ourselves. Two days for this week to end, and the only thing not affected—yet—is my social life. Watch that also go now. I’m betting by Sunday, I will officially be inching towards the D-Cold Total in my purse and thinking of ending it all. (Although, I don’t think D Cold Total can kill you with an overdose, only seriously fuck with your liver). No, none of these downward spiraling things are anything I can talk about here, but I’m sure you can marginally guess, excluding my social life, what the other aspects of my life are. Yeah. Just about everything I’m afraid. And the only thing I can whine about online is that I did a really hot salt water gargle and scalded my tongue. This sucks. There are days when I’m proud of having so many people reading this thing and other days when I wish no one did. Then I could whine to complete strangers and tell them EXACTLY how terrible my week has been, blow by blow, point by point, maybe get some good advice, and instead? I’m reduced to being fucking diplomatic and not stepping on any toes or anything. AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

To top it all off, troll blogs and comments are back, just when you thought they went out with 2003. Nope, there are still people who love to hate you, just because you’re a woman, just because you write about going out and having fun because OH MY GOD GOD FORBID AN INDIAN WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ANY FUN OR TURN DOWN ANYONE ELSE AND SHE’S SO FUCKING UGLY DUDES HOW DARE SHE SPURN ANY ADVANCES SHE SHOULD BE HAPPY WITH WHAT SHE IS GETTING. Chootiyas.

I’m tired. I’m tired of coughing and having to blow my nose every five seconds and breathing through my mouth. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being upbeat and optimistic and assuming everything’s going to be all right (rockabye) when it never is, really, is it? I’m tired of fighting to make my case, I’m tired of selling myself to people, I’m just generally tired. I want comfort, a backrub, an evening of not talking with people who won’t expect me to talk, I want compliments, I want to be nineteen again, I want to go home and yet I don’t want to sell out, I want my mummy.


  1. * start a new blog - under a different moniker. or anonymously. is much help (one knows).
    * honey-lemon-ginger tisane. lots of it.
    * massage at a spa?
    * no, it doesn't get better, on the small scale. and it doesn't matter, on the big scale.

  2. Awwwww!!! poor baby!!!

    best rant i have read in a while.

    On a personal note - I have had days when I told my self, It can't get worse than this, and then it actually did. (insert stupid smiley here)


  3. gaaaaaawddd i hate these tiny hopes :(
    considering the huge impact they have when they crash ...totally not worth it

  4. Hang in there babes. Part of greatness is having peopkle who hate you because you got somewhere when they didn't. You'll be fine. Promise.

  5. well, i'll give u a giggle, cuz u said "purse" and I havnt heard someone say purse in really long.

    and as for those fucks, they're not really worth the angst no, bunchoflosers, them.


    me !!!

  6. umm..not related to post. But about your internet connection, get a cable connection from your TV cablewallah. 500 installation and 500 per month for unlimited 24/7 internet.

  7. Dearest Em,
    I have been reading ur blog for say 2 years now thou I prefer to remain anonymous. Trust me, even if 1% of ur readers are strangers; its worth it. You have proved to be an amazing and lovely person. I believe whatever the road we choose, it does end allright, nomatter how it turns out to be.

    A shitty week, a shitty day, a shitty "x"... really becomes quite insignificant in the larger scheme of things. Remember your egypt holiday!!! you were really happy werent you?

    Trust kleenex and dont worry, the weekend is still to come...

  8. You might want to check that.

    D Cold Total has Phenylpropanolamine as an ingredient.

    And that has some nasty side effects which have led to it being banned in most civilized countries.

    "A scientific study found an increased risk of hemorrhagic stroke in women who used phenylpropanolamine, although it is not clear which isomer is to blame. A study at the Yale University School of Medicine in 1999 had produced similar results. Reports of cases of hemorrhagic strokes in PPA users had been circulating since the 1970s."

    Go easy on the stuff.

  9. 2-5 vodka shots(would have recommended whisky but u r vodka and monk person) and u will give a shit abt the shittiness of the week. if nothing else then atleast u will have less of blow nose ,less of coughing ... if that dosen't help and u want to curse me for the idea then smoke a pack of Malboro and u will be back to ur coughing days and shitty weekend

  10. Hmmm, compliment: eM, you write good. and please chill man. these cousins, cold and cough, really get to the head. have an old monk, with tequila and baileys, if you prefer. :)

  11. Chill Chill.. u have us! ;D Nothing like a bad cold to feel the worst. Try chicken soup (for the cold too)

  12. aww...feel better soon babe!!! and if it helps, u've had the cold for 5 days now....the normal cold lasts 7 days...2 more and it should be exiting. :)

    and all u evil people preparing ur evil attacks on eM- stay away!!!! one weekend of peace..give her one weekend.

  13. awww! don't worry; it'll get better; you'll be fine.... and other assorted friendly pats on your shoulder.

    don't let the anon trolls bother u too much.

  14. Aww poor eM, get well soon. I love reading your blog and you remind me very much of one of my best friends. Compliments, there.

  15. you write really well, very witty , most of your posts are a delight to read.

    as for the cold/cough, boil tulsi leaves in water, and then use that water to make tea,drink that twice a day for 2 days.

  16. Maybe your body is tired too. And simply rebelling :) That happens a lot. We take medication cos we want to feel better but your body just wants to take it easy. Listen to the signs. Cuddle up and take off for a couple of days :)

    As for the blog thing, I don't know what to say. It seems easier to say ' ignore them ' but I'm sure it's not that easy to execute.

    You are a mini blog celebrity :) You need your time off....

  17. have been reading your blog on and write well and with intensity..but..may be (just maybe)what you need is not a fix-cold-drug or compliments:

    been there too:
    from 16 to 30, smoked, drank, bedroom felt like a railway platform with people coming and going..woke up one day and looked into the mirror (Like Roy Scheider in All That Jazz!) and it hit where it took a long breath and re-booted...No smoke...nice emotional intimate sex...cleaned up my soul.
    when you wrote the line "can I smoke while you eat"...I connected...but that thought makes me throw up now...
    still carry a peice of Voldermot's soul with in..sometimes engage with it...that is part of me, but that is fine :)))

    Good luck..apologies for the long rave.

  18. It all comes down to that in the end, doesn't it - wanting our mummy.

    Anyway, remember, this too shall pass.

  19. "??!" said it perfectly. in the long run, none of this will matter and right now it'll make you feel sore all over.
    comes with the territory.
    the cold will be the first to go.

  20. Two minutes to be myself. Is it too much to ask for?

  21. This should make you feel better.. you are on the top list of indian bloggers for "Writers, Authors, Critics, Poets, Storytellers"

  22. hobo, agree! ??! agree.

    I guess this blog will be just one of many on the longer run either ways adverse comments don't count much, do they? execpt in a personal vanity type of sense!

  23. the mosquito and the snake analogy -- you're a regular Chekov. That now, would be a compliment...just thought I'd put it there as my week as been full of misunderstandings.

    Not even trying to compete for bad weeks.
    Oh well oh well oh well

  24. the more people rave and rant against ur blog, its cos they are jealous... u have done what they only dream about... n u do it every day... have a good day :)
    n chocolate always helps

  25. wow.. i have bookmarked this page for cold remedies :-)

    and what about little hopes, i ask ye? what works for me is to consciously squash all thoughts about giver of little hope for some time. and then it .. somehow becomes okay and transforms into easy flirting without too much thought the next time you meet.

    and then, yeah, it rejuvenates and comes back... you are right! little hopes are annoying niggling things that do not die!!!!

  26. easy there trooper..if its just the social life going to the dogs, i still think its ok.

    the remedy for a bad cold is shit loads of orange juice and 2 vitamin c pills a day (i think i've told you this before)..go easy on the smokes (aka STOP) and sleep off the fatigue. quit playing with the cat for a bit (damn thing might be giving you allergies) and eat healthy food.

    all this for 2 days before you return to the binge-drinking, rocking wildlife :)...

    see you in september yeah?
    man the coolest thing just happened: my word notification spellt 'dhruvnj' awesome.

  27. Good to see the comment moderation. Makes a lot of sense.

    And for their sake, I hope the trolls get a life and don't pain you.

    - Anjana
    (Silent reader plus 'identifier' of the did-i-write-that-or-did-Em sort)

  28. eM do you have any clue what the last anon said. coz i don't. how's the cold now? and the week? heard mouse has malaria. it's not going good for either of you!?! well hang in there. what else?


  29. yeh, what did that last anon mean?

    Haven't recent studies shown that having vitamin C during a cold is actually more harmful (fine before, and after)?


Thanks for your feedback! It'll be published once I approve it. Inflammatory/abusive comments will not be posted. Please play nice.