Every whisper/ Of every waking hour I'm/ Choosing my confessions..... Consider this/The hint of the century/ Consider this/The slip that brought me/To my knees failed/What if all these fantasies/Come flailing around/Now I've said too much... That's me in the corner/That's me in the spotlight/Losing my religion....
29 January, 2005
I worry about you sometimes, world. It seems like you’ve completely lost balance. Here I am at 1.16 am on a Friday night, pretty buzzed, just returning from Turquiose Cottage and I look around me and I wonder, world, why you have forgotten me.
Dear, dear world, yesterday I was listening to Deep Inside Of You, which you know was "our" song for me and K and there was this one part where the singer---who sounded like a young man---said, I’m so alive, I’m deep inside of you and I thought to myself, my god, I haven’t felt this way in such a long time. I haven’t felt like I was exploding just being with someone else, I haven’t felt like waking up in the morning and saying YES this is the reason I’m alive, this is the reason I’m out there. It’s like somewhere within me a shutter has gone down and a light has gone out and I don’t know when I’m going to be able to feel that again.
You know what I’m feeling, world, you know I’m not in love with K anymore. But was that it? Was that my one chance to feel and I’ve given that up? That’s really not fair. This empty feeling has got to go.
And what’s with these little mindfucks you keep introducing, huh? What’s with friends feeling like I suck at being their friend, what’s with boys who live across the seas? What’s with that? You’ve screwed with me enough, I really don’t need more confusion going on than I already have.
Maybe I should get religion. Have you heard the Tori Amos version of Losing My Religion? Of course you have, you were around when she sang it. Maybe falling to my knees and praying for a kiss, a smoke, a touch will work. But before that, I appeal to you, world, as all my kind do. Fix this, please take away this empty feeling. You’ve gotten me a nice job, so far, pretty brilliant friends, please, just one more thing. Let me be happy, let me be okay. Let me not feel like I have to wrap my arms around myself in order to keep from falling apart. Let me know what to do, let me feel confident and self assured and always saying the right thing. Help me to make the right decisions, the right choices, stop me from second guessing myself.
It’s a small order, world, and I know you have the power to do this.