Dear Little Troll,
What's wrong? I feel a gap in our communication. What exactly is it that's upsetting you about me? I've tried to fix it, really I have, but every week, every new post, you pop up with another delightful insult.
Is it me, troll? Have I let myself go? Do I look fat? Am I not still bringing minty freshness into the bedroom? If that's so, then I sincerely apologise. I like to believe our relationship is one of trust and mutual understanding, that I will say something, and you will respond to what I am saying as opposed to a random battle you seem to be fighting with me in your head.
Sometimes I feel like I am giving you too much freedom. Spare the rod and spoil the troll. But my strongest belief is that if I let you do what you like, eventually you'll do what I like. I have great hopes from you. And then I look back, just randomly, over my last couple of posts and I am sad and disappointed. I am hurt, troll, that despite my greatest efforts, you still feel the need to tell me that I suck because I don't know Malayalam or Telegu. That my writing is terrible, at best. That I am far too "Western" to even attempt to be Indian, no, no, don't look away, troll, you and I both know you said it.
But then, there is a service you perform, even if you don't know it. You are funny, even when you are insulting. Some days you make me giggle, even while on other days you crush my spirit and make me want to just delete this blog and start over somewhere else. You come to my blog even when you think it's "peurile" and "personal blogs are a waste of time". You believe that what you have to say is so profound that you must share it with everyone else. You take a post I've spent an hour or so working on, and you make it about you.
Wow. How do you DO that? I've been trying for years.
See, the argument you give me is that since this is on a public space, you're allowed your right to diss me as much as you like, because like it or not, the blog is not a journal. I made gentle noises about this on a previous post, but I think I need to reemphasise. Allow me to respectfully disagree. Nope. You're not allowed to say rude things. Why? Because, yes, I get that it's a public space for judgement and so on, but you know, the last time you went to a nightclub/restaurant/generally fun place? No? Not ringing any bells? Well, most of these establishments that exist in the real world, away from the murky confines of virtuality, have this little sign that says, "The management reserves the right to provide service to whoever they see fit" or something along those lines. So basically, they could kick someone out. It's a public place, it's open to most. Therefore, if you are bad mannered on my blog, you will be evicted. Simple.
Let's not go there, though, trolly (can I call you trolly?). Let's establish some common sense type things, yes? I'll even make them easy to read and understand:
1) You not likey blog, you not visit.
2) You not likey blog, you definitely not refresh comment section to add new two cents.
3) You have opinion, very nice, you start own blog.
4) Where your book deal is?
5) You think eM is ugly/dumb/getting too much attention/all of the above, oh no! You mutter under your breath, or even out loud. No need to send bad emails.
6) Bad emails, baaaaaaaaaaaaad. No good. Make eM sad. And filling up trash folder. Forefinger hurts from delete.
7) We talking about you, now, yes? Whole post, just for you? You are only child?
8) Since whole post about you, you can put comments in this post. No delet-y. But after this, you not talk about postie, you talk about something else, we say bye-bye comment!
There we go. I hope I will not have to address this issue again in the future. You seem like a smart person.