7 February 2005

In which I go on about my state of mind and if you're not into inner ramblings, you should skip this entry and come back another day

Most people who know me would say I was a pretty together person. This is true, and not just a trumpet-tooting that I’m doing, because I’ve been told this. On the surface, I appear to have it all figured out, my career, unlike most of my friends’, is actually going somewhere, I’m on my second job, for the most part I’m a pretty smile-y person (not that I go around grinning like a jackass, but I prefer to be happy rather than sad).
Now, this is what most people, or rather, everyone who knows me, would say. What they don’t know, is what I wasn’t aware of, for quite some time.
I am a relationship junkie.
Here’s the thing. Before K and I were together, I was perfectly happy, perfectly complete being alone. I did want a boyfriend, but more for just the excitement than anything else. Then when we were together and I grew to love him, just like I had thrown myself in being alone, I threw myself in being together. Like a sponge I absorbed every moment of the togetherness, and in doing that lost whatever vestiges of indepe ndence that I had. More comforting was the fact that K loved me a little more than I loved him. He was just more into me and I revelled in that. And then he wasn’t. But no one told me of this relationship gear change (I swear, every relationship should come with a manual!) and so when he dumped me, my ego received the biggest bruising it had ever received.
After the break up, like I’ve been writing about, there’s been a whirl of activity. There have been boys, and more boys, there have been parties and then there’s blessed, blessed work. And I’ve been so occupied with all this, it took me five months to realise that I’m not happy.
Not only am I not happy, I’m desperately unhappy. Not all the time, in a crazy manic-depressive kind of way, but a nagging void-y feeling that refuses to go away and if I try to ignore it, it grows greater. I tried to surpress it. More activity! But every time the night out was over, or the random fling ended, there it was, back with a vengeance.
So I decided to swear off boys for a while, back there. But that just wasn’t happening either. Wonderful people have entered my life and I would like for them to stay. But, and here’s the catch, I don’t want them to be my crutches. I don’t want to be the desperately needy clingy person I become. Me-the-person is very different from me-the-significant-other. Me-the-person is like I said before, a pretty together woman, with enough going on in her life not to need anyone. Me-the-significant-other is only nineteen, terribly young, terribly vulnerable and therefore the kind of person most men run screaming from.
I have been informed recently that I play games. At first I was pretty startled. Me? Play games? Never! But, I wish I could just wear a sign or something saying "DANGER: Me-the-significant-other lurking beneath surface!" Or some such.
It’s hard to explain these things to people who don’t already know you and don’t already love you. It’s also hard to explain these things to myself, which is why I chose to write them down. I need to know what I think and what I’m feeling.
I’m just really scared of being alone. I don’t even know what being alone is like, just curling up under the blankets, reading a good book, and out of choice not just because I have no one to make a plan with. I told Dee this and she came up with a set of rules, which I have amended slightly. (Lovely rules. Everything should have rules)
OPERATION ‘IT’S OKAY TO BE ALONE’
1) Mondays and Thursdays are sacroscant stay-at-home days. No plan shall be made by me and if I am invited to join a plan, I politely decline.
2) I am by nature, a plan-initiator. It’s my role on this planet. But we’re going against the laws of the universe and saying I shall only initiate a plan once a week.
3) (This rule is made by me and I’m really proud of it) I get to make three personal calls a day, including sms’s.

Of course, ideally, like an Al Anon plan there should be more steps, but I think this is about all I can handle.
I don’t enjoy being unhappy and lonely, but I also don’t want to use sex and relationships like fillers. They should be add-ons, not something to make me feel complete. I enjoy the relationships I have now, but at the same time, I want to enjoy being only Me-The-Person with no scary Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde metamorphosis.
This is an insanely long blog entry, but for the first time in a really long time I wrote it for me and not for an audience.

4 comments:

  1. two questions about your IR(inner ramblings):
    Q1.Is what others say to u or about u so important to u?
    Q2.won't a wheel chair be better than crutches which support u..the cool lady u claim to be! ( u seem to be more like an handicapped person!)
    end of Q
    Now my ramblings:
    When relationships turn to become crutches or wheel chairs then u surely r an emotionally handicapped person!
    To be happy in life u need another opening...something other than your usual "blessed, blessed" work !and the whirl of activity where there have been boys, and more boys.
    Go girl get yourself a life....a life with some meaning other than your Blinkered vision of work and boys.
    Have u ever thought of the mere fact that u r still alive...that I am breathing and living! Does it make u feel happy.
    No!....... i am not asking u to go meditate or pray to some God..or Art of living ..or something( i know your stand on this Godly matters...u like Me tend to be on the fence about believing!!)But dear...whatever your name is!..get yourself a life...!
    Maybe go to Lodhi gardens or Nehru Park...alone ..no boys or friends...sit under a tree and be yourself!(that is if u live in Delhi )
    lonliness...or positively speaking just being alone can be a boon sometimes..to think what if i die tomorrow..will someone write a poem about me?
    U write poems i guess!....then sit express yourself....let creativity take over the void..creativity is @ ones best in situations like this!
    No ....this creative outburst should remain personal..not for official use! ( and how creative can a journo get!!...i took the liberty coz Me things we share the same profsession.Maybe i am wrong!)
    Lonliness when handled positively will bring out the new superior, eM...!and then she shall want to remain alone rest of her life!
    with this dreadful thought ....i end this..
    ......Another thought maybe u should adopt a child from Nagapatinam....maybe that would bring a new meaning to your life!
    ......
    .....
    ....... i am not part of your A ,B ,C , Dee alphabetiacl frioends ..just a passerby who happened to read your ramblings and then backtracked to archives and read about you...., i empathise with u ...lived a life very similar to u.and once wondered is this what life has in store for Me......and then one day life surprised me....Life will surprise u too..when u least expect it!
    ..... i think i would remain an anonymous reader.{not for any other reason..just to make it little strange!}
    check out the brackets!!!!...

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  2. First of all,How can u have rules for life?? It sounds good and smart but can never be followed up simply cos u never know what life is gonna throw at u tmrw.Sweets, like i have said before, a relationship is all abt sharing.You might have the best job, might be satisfied with ur 'circle',your hang out buddies,your writings but still u need to share all of this with someone and thts exactly what i believe u are longing for.Someone to share your thoughts and life with.K is over.For whatever reasons, the fact is he is.You do have tmrw to look forward to.Easy said than done but the break up might have been the best thing for u.
    Sweets, a girl like u is goona find someone.What u call 'clingy' i wld term as just being together which probably is the reason ppl get into relationships cos it takes balls to be a loner and though its the in thing these days, to declare yourself as one.....Very few have the balls to be one.You dont and neither does K.the want ot be with someone u love does not make u clingy.After all,love is abt revloving ur life around ur better half, not making your better half ur life. Theres a world of difference between the two.Love is abt taking decisions individually and independently but keeping in mind how they affect you and ur half.Love is a lot of things which u and i and the rest of the world are gonna discover as go through each day.Right now,u need to love urself first cos only then will some one love u the way u want to be loved.Think abt it......
    P.s You do write better when u write for urself...Better and of course HONEST

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  3. Let me present a point of view that may or may not appeal to you.

    I think a lot of times we Indian women (not that women from other nations do not) tend to take relationships too seriously. We see them as these terribly important projects that we have to successfully bring to some sort of fruition.

    I think a better way to approach the opposite sex is to not concentrate on a relationship as a process that leads to something, but simply on being with a man. And the length of time spent with the man is inconsequential here. What do you want from the man? Just bits of conversation. Physical intimacy. A nice argument. Sometimes all you want is sex and it comes with all this relationship baggage.

    Of course the most important thing here is to see you as the centre of your universe. Sounds selfish, but it is the happiest path. And don't isolate yourself. You obviously have great friends. Enjoy being with them. Go out, enjoy the company of men, have fun. And NO, loneliness is not a boon. Only losers say that.

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