Most people who know me would say I was a pretty together person. This is true, and not just a trumpet-tooting that I’m doing, because I’ve been told this. On the surface, I appear to have it all figured out, my career, unlike most of my friends’, is actually going somewhere, I’m on my second job, for the most part I’m a pretty smile-y person (not that I go around grinning like a jackass, but I prefer to be happy rather than sad).
Now, this is what most people, or rather, everyone who knows me, would say. What they don’t know, is what I wasn’t aware of, for quite some time.
I am a relationship junkie.
Here’s the thing. Before K and I were together, I was perfectly happy, perfectly complete being alone. I did want a boyfriend, but more for just the excitement than anything else. Then when we were together and I grew to love him, just like I had thrown myself in being alone, I threw myself in being together. Like a sponge I absorbed every moment of the togetherness, and in doing that lost whatever vestiges of indepe ndence that I had. More comforting was the fact that K loved me a little more than I loved him. He was just more into me and I revelled in that. And then he wasn’t. But no one told me of this relationship gear change (I swear, every relationship should come with a manual!) and so when he dumped me, my ego received the biggest bruising it had ever received.
After the break up, like I’ve been writing about, there’s been a whirl of activity. There have been boys, and more boys, there have been parties and then there’s blessed, blessed work. And I’ve been so occupied with all this, it took me five months to realise that I’m not happy.
Not only am I not happy, I’m desperately unhappy. Not all the time, in a crazy manic-depressive kind of way, but a nagging void-y feeling that refuses to go away and if I try to ignore it, it grows greater. I tried to surpress it. More activity! But every time the night out was over, or the random fling ended, there it was, back with a vengeance.
So I decided to swear off boys for a while, back there. But that just wasn’t happening either. Wonderful people have entered my life and I would like for them to stay. But, and here’s the catch, I don’t want them to be my crutches. I don’t want to be the desperately needy clingy person I become. Me-the-person is very different from me-the-significant-other. Me-the-person is like I said before, a pretty together woman, with enough going on in her life not to need anyone. Me-the-significant-other is only nineteen, terribly young, terribly vulnerable and therefore the kind of person most men run screaming from.
I have been informed recently that I play games. At first I was pretty startled. Me? Play games? Never! But, I wish I could just wear a sign or something saying "DANGER: Me-the-significant-other lurking beneath surface!" Or some such.
It’s hard to explain these things to people who don’t already know you and don’t already love you. It’s also hard to explain these things to myself, which is why I chose to write them down. I need to know what I think and what I’m feeling.
I’m just really scared of being alone. I don’t even know what being alone is like, just curling up under the blankets, reading a good book, and out of choice not just because I have no one to make a plan with. I told Dee this and she came up with a set of rules, which I have amended slightly. (Lovely rules. Everything should have rules)
OPERATION ‘IT’S OKAY TO BE ALONE’
1) Mondays and Thursdays are sacroscant stay-at-home days. No plan shall be made by me and if I am invited to join a plan, I politely decline.
2) I am by nature, a plan-initiator. It’s my role on this planet. But we’re going against the laws of the universe and saying I shall only initiate a plan once a week.
3) (This rule is made by me and I’m really proud of it) I get to make three personal calls a day, including sms’s.
Of course, ideally, like an Al Anon plan there should be more steps, but I think this is about all I can handle.
I don’t enjoy being unhappy and lonely, but I also don’t want to use sex and relationships like fillers. They should be add-ons, not something to make me feel complete. I enjoy the relationships I have now, but at the same time, I want to enjoy being only Me-The-Person with no scary Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde metamorphosis.
This is an insanely long blog entry, but for the first time in a really long time I wrote it for me and not for an audience.