Today we’re going to talk about oral sex. So, if you’re under eighteen, or at work, it’s recommended you close this window immediately and go do something else. My archives have some nice wholesome material somewhere, if you’re interested.
A friend who shall remain nameless—although she knows who she is and she’s welcome to come out and admit it—was once being given “sex ed” classes by her older sister, who shall also remain nameless (hello, out there). “Do you know what oral sex is?” her sister asked. “Yes!” said my friend, much to the amazement of her older sister, who laboured under the impression that this friend was most innocent and untouched by the Things Adults Did. “What is it then?” she asked. “Oral sex,” said my friend confidently, “Is when two people take off their clothes and talk about sex.” Right.
I can’t say much about going down on a woman, seeing as I’ve never done that, but it’s fairly simple to pleasure someone of my gender. Simply have an agile and dexterous tongue (mmmmmm) and wandering light fingers and, um, lots of energy. Lots and lots of energy. There’s this bit in Deep Throat (not that I’ve seen it, but I’ve seen this quotation somewhere and loved it) where the woman goes, “Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?” By the way, I’ve done that, and it’s awesome. You totally should as well. There’s something so decadent about lying there, sprawled on your back, preferably with your top on, because you don’t want live ashes spilt all over the rather *ahem* delicate areas of your body, doing French inhales and watching the top of someone’s head. Preferably someone you love, but someone who gets your panties in a twist totally works as well.
Why are men so obsessed by the blow job? Besides the fact that it combines two things they love the most—sex and sitting on their asses doing nothing—I think it’s also a power trip for them. As it is for you, I suppose, but men get this big kick out of watching you turn your attentions to Junior down there. Some men get carried away though. You know what I hate? Men who insist on controlling your head. There are some who will move your head up and down, and worse, others who will speed up the motions of their hips, until you’re practically gagging. And then they complain you’re using your teeth. For the love of god, until you decided to rape my mouth, I was doing perfectly fine.
I guess it’s a power trip for women as well, giving a blow job. You have him right where you want him, and if you want to just hear that he loves you, or he needs you, or you’re so fucking hot, even if in your heart of hearts you know he doesn’t mean it, this is a good time to make that request. Everything I needed to know about giving good head I learnt from Cosmo. Of course, each man is different, blah blah blah, but there are a certain set of rules which applies to most men I find. The quick-inhalation factor, if you're with a quiet guy, the ohhhhhhh factor if you're with a moaner, and best of all, if you're with a talker, the oh-fuck-yes factor. Those are fun. Power trip, yes, totally. But scoff all you like, Cosmo and that online woman's magazine thing ivillage gave me a lot of handy household hints. One article in ivillage was called How To Love Like A Geisha and while I remember very little of it, one tip was to use your hands and tongue in opposite directions, as in, one clockwise and one anti-clockwise. It may sound complicated, but once you've perfected it, it works like a charm.
I believe men's magazines don't offer the same service, which I think is weird. They do have articles about sex, right? So, I'm assuming the presumption they're working on is that men either a) need no help at all on their game b) do not want to provide any reciprocal pleasure to their women or c) don't read magazines to get sex tips. But then, don't you guys sit around and discuss what turns the opposite sex on the way we do? (And when I say we, I mean my friends and I, when we're working on a third bottle of wine and reduced to giggles. But I'm sure other groups of girls do as well) And if you don't ever dicuss the dirty with your friends, how do men know what to do in bed? Porn? And if that's true, I'm sure all the men I've been with have been very disappointed.
While we're in the Things That Leave Me Mystified department, what's with the obsession about swallowing? I did a fair amount of research for this post; ie, I asked people I knew about their views on blow jobs; and when I got to the swallowing, all the men got this glazed, happy look on their faces. Ahhh, swallowing, I'm sure their minds went, that's good shit, dude. I personally don't get it. I'm a spitter myself, as are lots of women I know, and in a conversation with Hobo recently, I told her about this post and she said, "You should write that men should avoid asparagus if they want a blow job." Yes, coz semen? Has different tastes. If you've eaten spicy food, it tingles on the back of your tongue. Sometimes, most of the time, it's bitter, but the best, says Hobo, is when you eat strawberries or pineapple. Gentlemen, I hope you're paying attention here. Hobo also told me about "snowballing", where this friend of hers got a mouthful without warning, so holding it in her mouth she crawled upwards to kiss the guy and deposited in his mouth. ALWAYS GIVE WARNING. I cannot say this enough. Once, after I spat, the boyfriend then was sitting with such a smug expression on his face that I grabbed him and tongued him. I'm sure he'll never look that smug again.
Although blow jobs are a heck of a lot of work. And effort. And time. And usually the guy is so spent after you're done with him that he has no time for you. My friends and I only pull out the oral if we really like someone. So, if assuming you've slept with five guys, only two get the royal treatment.
I'm putting in two polls here, one for the men and one for the women. The male one is basically to establish what another ex of mine told me--there is no such thing as a bad blow job. True or false? Weigh in. The one for the chicas is to determine what kind of liberated twentyfirst century men we're dealing with. Did your last or present hook up go down on you?
In case the polls don't appear properly, as they're doing on my machine, here are the links where you can take them online. Boys and girls.
I'm sure this post will generate a fair amount of namecalling, but try and keep an open mind. Hey, at least I'm not getting knocked up, right?