... made out of real paper and you had to use a pen to write in it! And I had all sorts of notebooks from the time I was about 7 till about 21 and a half, I think. I like re-reading these journals. I like seeing the way my handwriting changed--from print, to messy practicing cursive, from elaborate loopy l's and j's and s's to plain and simple up and down writing and finally to the writing I have today--slanting slightly to the left, i's high dotted, m's in Walt Disney style and first letters of each word disconnected with the rest of it. I'm sure that a handwriting expert would probably be able to tell me something about myself based on the way I write, some of the online tests I've taken tell me I'm an optimist with unrealistic goals. Please.
Anyhoo, the reason I'm talking about my journals and all, is because I have this massive case of writer's block. I'm actually working on a manuscript right now and not very much has been accomplished--only about 8,000 words so I'm feeling all snarly and oh-I'll-never-amount-to-being-a-writer-so-I-should-just-stop-trying or even, If-I-do-become-a-writer-I'm-never-going-to-be-a-successful-one-so-I-should-just-stop-trying. Very negative thoughts, but somedays you just have to let that sort of thought process happen. Grah.
The truth is, I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off that I'm not holding the remote control for my life, I'm pissed off that the power of pressing 'Pause' and 'Fastforward' isn't mine. I don't know who's holding the damn remote control but it sure as hell isn't me. I'm pissed off that I don't work for myself. I'm pissed off because I'm not right now in a one bedroom apartment in Paris buying baguettes and having nudist artist friends. I'm pissed off at the superficialities that go with being reasonably well-off in this country. I'm pissed off that I just said "in this country" like any damn NRI who returns after making potloads of money and proceeds to diss all the things he/she grew up with. I'm pissed off that I haven't done as much as I was supposed to by the time I was 23, that I'm turning 24 at the end of this year and will probably still not have come halfway close to achieving my goals. I'm pissed off that Indian media doesn't pay as much as media abroad. I'm pissed off that people don't take me seriously just because I look very young, or because I'm female and they think flirting with me is the only way to get a reaction and I hate the male PR types who direct all information towards the photographer because oh, he must be more compotent because he can pee standing up!
Like I said before: grah.
Y'know, I love this blog. It's become my daily addiction, what I have to do before I go to bed. But I think way back, when I had just maybe two or three readers, I was more of the "Compulsive Confessor" than I can allow myself to be now. Now it's not so much confessions as observations, my life sounds frivolous, even to me. And that's not good. But I don't know whether I can give up on it, especially when I'm having so much fun. I know I should, but I don't want to just yet. So now what to do?
Relax, I'm not going to go all AWOL on you, and I will keep you posted, okay?