19 October 2005

Let's Talk About Sex (part deux)

These are the things I don't get about sex.

a) So you know when you're making out with someone? And there comes this bit when you're all heavy breathing and you go, throatily, "So, um.. do you have something?" and he goes, "Yeah, give me a second." Now I never know whether I should be insulted that he came prepared, or thankful, because now it means we can get on with it, instead of just putting our clothes back on and playing Scrabble. On the whole, I'm always a little bemused sorta teetering between insulted and grateful. It's not a good sort of emotion, bemused. I'd much rather he didn't have any protection and we went on this gigglesome Middle Of The Night condom adventure. So much more fun.

Of course, then there's the guy who carries condoms ALL THE TIME. I'm talking constantly equipped with the red and black Kamasutra* packet nestling next to his change. Sometimes when it's hot, you can see the outline of the condom in his wallet. He thinks it's saying, "Ooh. look at me. I'm getting some" when clearly it's saying, "Help! I've been in here since 1993!"

*Durex rips. Trust me. I know THREE people this has happened to. Which sorta defeats the purpose of a condom in the first place.


b) You know sex in the shower? How does that work exactly? See, I've tried it, only the water kept getting into my nose, which wasn't sexy because every two or three seconds I'd resurface sputtering. I know some people have managed great acrobatics in the shower but HOW? Do you wear scuba equipment? Do you hold your breath? How do you avoid constantly spitting out the water that's in your mouth?


c) So yeah, I know I'm going to write this and post this and certain people who shall remain nameless will either cackle furtively into their morning coffee when they read it and/or post a dirty comment or email me telling me what a slut I am for talking about sex. My explaination for those people, (coz I'm a fair kinda gal, I like everyone to have their own points of views) is that they've been watching too much Bollywood. So, yeah, in a country that's grossly overpopulated, our one medium of sex education shows us a) nodding flowers b) a roaring fire or c) butterflies. So it's really not that surprising that most people who grew up in the Era of the Nodding Flowers thinks sex is a like a nature documentary. ("Mummy, mummy, where's my pistil?")

On the other hand, even school didn't do a very good job with their sex ed. In class 7, they taught us about zygotes and x and y chromosomes (I aced that test by the way) but nothing about from whence they originated. I mean, I had all these books about how the man plants the seed and all, so for the longest time, I thought the guy had this actual seed (that looked a little like the cotton seed) which he put inside the chick's bellybutton.

I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a list for boys wasn't it? Oh dear. But I realised I didn't have very much to say. I mean, how to make a list for boys? You may think women are these mysterious creatures etc, but I swear, guys are ten times more confusing. Really. We never know what they're thinking (and when I say we I totally mean me)

And huzzah for this ongoing Bloggers vs. IIPM thing. I don't have anything new to add, so I'm just going to stand admiringly at the sidelines and clap. And say, really loudly, "Fuck the corporate world, biatch!"

44 comments:

  1. a. Its tricky. It helps to take a while looking for it. The anticipation grows. More foreplay usualy ensues. And then, you find it, by which time, its alright... :)

    b. But its soooooo much fun though ! You make it sound like you were making out under the Niagara Falls ! Its just a shower...

    c. You forgot galloping horses. Stallions even.

    Quite a post there, dear eM... I'm giddy as a school girl, in anticipation of the freakos this is going to bring in :)

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  2. LOL. what a refreshing thing to read first thing in the morning as i delay going for lectures.
    hahahahaha.
    i laughed out loud enough for the people in the next door room to hear me. :P

    and why does does ur comments section only allow Blogger users and not Others? i'm an ex-Blogger and new Other!

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  3. the first point abt condoms was really cool. have thought a lot abt it myself but never found an answer :(

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  4. Darling.. only one thing we actually think about!!

    Great post...

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  5. Um.. about Durex, it rips most of the time because people can't figure out which side is inside, resulting too much friction, rip and burn! Taking a couple of seconds off the heated action will always get it right. While in shower get the taller one to keep his/her back to it and go into the water every now and then. Why can't you spit the water out? It is a much lesser, yuckier evil compared to the other body fluids being exchanged at that time.

    Don't always trust what they show you in Hollywood ;-)

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  6. lol.. been waiting for this ever since i read the first part. Have been a lurker here for sometime. But what prompted me to become a commenter was this line -
    I thought the guy had this actual seed (that looked a little like the cotton seed) which he put inside the chick's bellybutton.
    Coincidentally, I know a guy who had a similar opinion about the use of the bellybutton, till the third year of his 4 year engineering degree. He still gets his leg pulled, close to 5 years after "growing up" :D

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  7. woohoo! still laughing! What Em! This - the first post of my puuure maarning. :))

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  8. sexy indian bitch: Ah, good desicion! Though I must warn you, blogging is most addictive :)

    michael: We're still a "family" blog--well, for the adult members of the family anyway!

    vignesh: Clearly your shower pressure is slower than mine. It's like a monsoon always in my bathroom :)

    anantya: Coz I was getting a whole lot of strange comments which totally took away from the other wonderful commenters. So I thought, why dilute the quality? :)

    sagnik: Okay, how bout, she goes, "Do you have something?" and you go, "Do you WANT me to have something?" and then the ball's in her court! :)

    aparna thank you!

    richtofen: *bows deeply*

    sandeep: ALL the time? Even at like say, dinner?

    codey: Hellooo, I know how to use a condom thankyouverymuch! :)

    anti: No, really? I just fell over laughing! This is worse than a classmate of mine who in class 12 came rushing in and said, "does oral sex make you preganant?"

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  9. When you are under the shower, try breathing through your mouth once in a while. It will get the water out. :-)

    Spitting is ok too. Just don't spit it on your partner! :-))

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  10. em: nah, it is not about knowing how to use one. anyway, won't get into the gory details here.

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  11. I really like wot ur writtin because itz funny and authentic and not gross at all! though i gotto add tht i faced almost full fatality usin kamasutra* and swore never 2 use dem again.

    midnite hunt: i liked da way the condoms get discreetly packed and hidden in brown paper be4 bein handed over shyly pretending u were buyin sum emergency cough syrup 4 a toddler.

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  12. Gee, your sitemeter must be working overtime. Give us the keywords that bring over the freaks--that must be a hoot! :-)

    For pt 2: Just make sure your showerjet's not pointed in your face. Personally, I prefer the bathtub, despite the obvious result of backpain.

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  13. Quite a riot of a blog, this one ...
    Let me say - on the guys being confusing - that the guys don't really THINK when they're alone with a girl ... or, they THINK of only one thing ...

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  14. b) and how about slippery shower tiles? how does one negotiate that? very precarious.

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  15. neha: What an honour having you on my 'umble blog :) I've always wanted to ask though, whether you remember me from college?

    hyde: Ya, but see the whole point of SHOWERING with someone else is so that your mouth is *ahem* otherwise occupied :)

    codey: Heh. Gorier than this post, you mean?

    jemgal: I know! Like when they give you tampons in a black plastic bag. "Laydeez stuff" the black bag whispers :)

    heretic; Well, actually today's highest Google search was the word "aaargh" I think :) And yeah, bathtubs are fun. Actually, my bed's the funnest!

    bonatellis: Sigh. And here I thought he was thinking of how to save the world or something. *sighs again*

    teleute: Oh those shower tiles are rricky. Worse is the sink! :)

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  16. i thought it was a list for guys...and here u go ranting abt urself...

    btw....hillarious stuff....but kind of hackneyed...

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  17. Holy crappolla !! The sink ?!?! What have we been upto !?!?

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  19. a) be glad and just do it ... for then. u can go back to the insulted ... or lets make that a xcuse-me-what-was-that-about-exactly afterwards and 'sort that (him) out'

    ps - actually better chk that its ok. i knew a guy who carried one in his wallet all the time cz u never know but only, it was years and years old.

    b) ignore the water, keep ur head down. be careful, dont slip and fall.

    ps - why bother - too much pain too little gain. do the start off or the finish up in there and do the main stuff comfy'ly on the bed.

    :D

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  20. em.... I was waiting for ur guys list yaar.... this too was fun nonetheless..

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  21. Confession time:
    Aeons back, during a heavy make out session, when no more make out seemed possible without 'getting jiggy with it', in a minor reversal of roles, I mentioned, in a small voice that I carried protection incase...

    Needless to say, no jiggy happened. We got married and now we have a large box of condoms(discount pack) for emergency purposes .

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  22. U better watch it....a few more posts on these lines and u shall lose ur individuality and turn into a blog smacking of A Sex and the City wannabe (and I say that with the best of intentions for a blog that I really dig)

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  23. Well, if your mouth is already occupied, water should not be a problem. :-)

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  24. sad though it is that I'm still unenlightened on this matter (and perhaps even sadder that i'm consulting a total stranger about it), I shall still go ahead with it. Are condoms really effective? I mean, I don't wanna find out that they aren't by experience.

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  25. i have been blogging for about five days now. good thing - blogging. takes you mind off the regular asinine. you get to be anonymous, and pretty much your own unhampered self, and meet other anonymous people pretty much their own unhampered selves.

    however, vertebrate sleuth that i am, with my own 0.7 solution [a' la holmes], do you happen to be a certain SR?

    ready, teddy, go?

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  26. The sex education in school part rings a bell.. In 9th standard or something, in the class about all chromosome stuff... this guy just stood up and asked, "Ma'm how do the male and female chromosomes come together?" We were like "eh?" what mischief is he upto? Only to find out later that the guy really wanted to know how it happend...

    And I also remember the "man" who was 19 and still thought "A man and woman lie down together and after some hours, the sperm goes into the woman!!!" No he was not talking about sex that lasts for hours. And he really had no idea where the sperm went.

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  27. even though u started saying more for guys there were actually nothing fr guys nor girls in ur post...
    though hilarious little disappointing...
    as a journalist u shld 've spiced it more!!! :-)

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  28. *sniggers*
    I remember Poo taking he-who-shall-not-be-mentioned into the bathroom the day we moved in to "show him the tiles"!!! There was a lot of tile-showing that ensued in the next couple of days, and incase you didn't notice, the sink got kinda loose too... oh wait, was that because of YOU? eM?!!! NO NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD BAD IMAGES!!!
    *shudders*

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  29. sorry eM,
    that was pretty much uncalled for. realized it a while after i had hit 'publish', but then it was too late. was reading through some of your earlier blogs, and then remorse hit me all the more.

    sleuthia

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  30. The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony, and The Foundations' Build me up Buttercup.

    I realize this is in no way relevant, but ah, finally, i find a kindred soul.

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  31. I'd be offended if a guy DIDN'T have a condom! I mean, wtf, didja not think I was gonna be hot enough?

    That said, back in my -ahem- more promiscuous days, I not only carried condoms with me everywhere, I had a little puch holding a bottle of silicone-based lube (just as safe, but doesn't turn sticky) and some poppers.

    Because you never know, you know.

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  34. yeah, this is my favourite "i don't do sex" story of all times. so, i have this neighbour who's in her mid-20s and married for abt five months, right, and one day she comes over looking extremely confused and scared and whispers to my mother, "what are safe periods?"

    and

    my 19 year old cousins actually, really thought couples had sex ONLEE when they wanted to have kids. he'll be really grateful for the this URL, i think...:D

    but scuba diving gear? man! rotfl!

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  35. Hmmm -- I've never had a condom tear during use. You've got some monster friends. Either that or they have the things on wrong (dry-side out).

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  36. Em-

    Once again...Love it. Sex topics are some of my favorite. Entry from behind in the shower negates the water in the nose factor...notice I said from behind not in the behind....shower sex can be amazing...height certainly plays a part though...Piece Out.

    -WP

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  37. am i the only 20-something not getting any ????

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  38. neha writing- even more interesting- college around my time :)

    b is not that difficult so if you are still having trouble, drop me an email and we can devise a strategy because trust me, u need to get that one right!

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