I'm going through a very I-hate-men phase in my life right now. No, no, not sour grapes, grapes are actually fairly ripe and crushed into delectable red wine even. It's just general fuckwittage that I'm being made party to, men who aren't straight with you when you ask them things and so on. So, in honour of that, and as a guide for men who read this blog (two? three? hello out there) I'm doing a list of myths about women that absolutely are not true and if you are propogating these myths then you are probably guilty of being the fuckwitter to some poor unsuspecting woman.
Myth One: Oh-Baby-Let's-Get-Married-And-Have-Our-Own-Babies (the all women are looking for commitment myth): Um, no. So not true. There is a point in all of our lives when we think about marriage and children and so on. But come on, so do you. In today's day and age, when we are taught in our fucking cradles that to murmur "So, where is this going?" on a first date is a strict no-no, unless you want to get rid of the guy. (And, ladies, I have used this one with EXCELLENT results, perfect for cutting ties with a boy you don't want to see anymore). Why is it so hard to understand that women might be commitment-phobic too? I want to be in a relationship, yes, but these are things I will only figure out after I've spent some time with you, after like a couple of months of hanging and getting to know each other. And just because YOU suddenly want to date and have all these rosy ideals by like day six, doesn't mean I'm going to jump at the offer. And to express surprise at this: "But I thought you wanted to be in a relationship" will just mean that I will run even further and yes, no.
Myth Two: Is-That-A-Gun-In-Your Pocket-Or-Are-You-Just-Happy-To-See-Me (the if I tell a woman the truth she will either cry or throw something at me myth): We're grown up. Just like you. We normally work in professions as demanding if nor more demanding than yours. We've been to meetings too, we've had our off-days, our break ups, our massive hangovers and still managed to work without losing our cool. Seriously, we are not going to burst into tears if you say you're just not that into us. We get it. We've all been just not that into people before. It's hurtful for our egos, and we might go home and bitch to our best friends about it for the next three days, but we're sure as hell not going to take it out on you. And yes, yes, I know we've all had the psycho ex who just refused to listen to what you've had to say, but then, we've known men like that also. And it's not because we like you any MORE for telling us the truth. Oh, we're going to hate you for at least six months. But the whole not losing our cool thing? We're doing it for ourselves so you don't think of us as a) weepy, b) clingy, c) psycho or d) all of the above. We have delicate egos (and we're not that used to being rejected) too.
Myth Three: And-The-Academy-Award-Goes-To (the in order to get some action I must tell the woman what I think she wants to hear even if it isn't the truth myth): Puh-leese. At least let us remember you as the nice guy who didn't fake it. Here's like a secret: women get horny too. Who knew, right? So, yeah, one night stand? Cool. Just don't tell us you're in love with us or go into iambic pentameter about how smart and funny and beautiful you think we are. Coz tomorrow we will know it's bullshit. Even if, as lonely people, we want to believe it a little bit today.
Myth Four: Where-Are-Your-Eyeballs-Again? (the if I do a rapid up and down she won't notice that I'm checking out her breasts myth): Look, I'm pretty short. And in order to talk to me, most men have to look downwards. And YET, yet I can tell when someone's looking at my face or at my cleavage. Which is okay, if you're not being shady about it. Just know that We Are Not Fooled.
Myth Five: I-Was-A-Teenage-Workaholic (the if I say I'm really busy at work and shit she should take it as a valid excuse myth): Sigh. We work too. We still text, even if it's just to say we're going to be in a meeting. We still call, even if it's only on a cigarette break. We still manage to keep you up-to-date on what we're up to. So we know that when you're playing the I'm really busy dude card, you're lying. Here's another secret (see, see how much you're learning. This blog aims to be educational if nothing else): Woman's intuition? Not a myth. We Always Know. We know when you're attracted to someone else, we know when you like someone else and we also know when you've cheated on us. It's actually not that hard. Men cannot multitask, and so we can see the energy you've been putting into us going elsewhere, and we know that that amount of energy will only be invested in something that you think will get you laid. You did it with us, didn't you? We're just waiting for you to slip up a little bit (and every large city in India might as well be a village) so we can use it in ways that you will totally not have fun with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Five is always a good number. And I do feel so much better after my rant. Whatever would I do without blogging, I wonder? Or without men actually, because then, who would I bitch about? Oh well, I hope the wine doesn't turn into vinegar because THEN I will be seriously pissed off, not just whiny and snarly.