23 March 2007

It's not me, it's you

I'm going through a very I-hate-men phase in my life right now. No, no, not sour grapes, grapes are actually fairly ripe and crushed into delectable red wine even. It's just general fuckwittage that I'm being made party to, men who aren't straight with you when you ask them things and so on. So, in honour of that, and as a guide for men who read this blog (two? three? hello out there) I'm doing a list of myths about women that absolutely are not true and if you are propogating these myths then you are probably guilty of being the fuckwitter to some poor unsuspecting woman.

Myth One: Oh-Baby-Let's-Get-Married-And-Have-Our-Own-Babies (the all women are looking for commitment myth): Um, no. So not true. There is a point in all of our lives when we think about marriage and children and so on. But come on, so do you. In today's day and age, when we are taught in our fucking cradles that to murmur "So, where is this going?" on a first date is a strict no-no, unless you want to get rid of the guy. (And, ladies, I have used this one with EXCELLENT results, perfect for cutting ties with a boy you don't want to see anymore). Why is it so hard to understand that women might be commitment-phobic too? I want to be in a relationship, yes, but these are things I will only figure out after I've spent some time with you, after like a couple of months of hanging and getting to know each other. And just because YOU suddenly want to date and have all these rosy ideals by like day six, doesn't mean I'm going to jump at the offer. And to express surprise at this: "But I thought you wanted to be in a relationship" will just mean that I will run even further and yes, no.

Myth Two: Is-That-A-Gun-In-Your Pocket-Or-Are-You-Just-Happy-To-See-Me (the if I tell a woman the truth she will either cry or throw something at me myth): We're grown up. Just like you. We normally work in professions as demanding if nor more demanding than yours. We've been to meetings too, we've had our off-days, our break ups, our massive hangovers and still managed to work without losing our cool. Seriously, we are not going to burst into tears if you say you're just not that into us. We get it. We've all been just not that into people before. It's hurtful for our egos, and we might go home and bitch to our best friends about it for the next three days, but we're sure as hell not going to take it out on you. And yes, yes, I know we've all had the psycho ex who just refused to listen to what you've had to say, but then, we've known men like that also. And it's not because we like you any MORE for telling us the truth. Oh, we're going to hate you for at least six months. But the whole not losing our cool thing? We're doing it for ourselves so you don't think of us as a) weepy, b) clingy, c) psycho or d) all of the above. We have delicate egos (and we're not that used to being rejected) too.

Myth Three: And-The-Academy-Award-Goes-To (the in order to get some action I must tell the woman what I think she wants to hear even if it isn't the truth myth): Puh-leese. At least let us remember you as the nice guy who didn't fake it. Here's like a secret: women get horny too. Who knew, right? So, yeah, one night stand? Cool. Just don't tell us you're in love with us or go into iambic pentameter about how smart and funny and beautiful you think we are. Coz tomorrow we will know it's bullshit. Even if, as lonely people, we want to believe it a little bit today.

Myth Four: Where-Are-Your-Eyeballs-Again? (the if I do a rapid up and down she won't notice that I'm checking out her breasts myth): Look, I'm pretty short. And in order to talk to me, most men have to look downwards. And YET, yet I can tell when someone's looking at my face or at my cleavage. Which is okay, if you're not being shady about it. Just know that We Are Not Fooled.

Myth Five: I-Was-A-Teenage-Workaholic (the if I say I'm really busy at work and shit she should take it as a valid excuse myth): Sigh. We work too. We still text, even if it's just to say we're going to be in a meeting. We still call, even if it's only on a cigarette break. We still manage to keep you up-to-date on what we're up to. So we know that when you're playing the I'm really busy dude card, you're lying. Here's another secret (see, see how much you're learning. This blog aims to be educational if nothing else): Woman's intuition? Not a myth. We Always Know. We know when you're attracted to someone else, we know when you like someone else and we also know when you've cheated on us. It's actually not that hard. Men cannot multitask, and so we can see the energy you've been putting into us going elsewhere, and we know that that amount of energy will only be invested in something that you think will get you laid. You did it with us, didn't you? We're just waiting for you to slip up a little bit (and every large city in India might as well be a village) so we can use it in ways that you will totally not have fun with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Five is always a good number. And I do feel so much better after my rant. Whatever would I do without blogging, I wonder? Or without men actually, because then, who would I bitch about? Oh well, I hope the wine doesn't turn into vinegar because THEN I will be seriously pissed off, not just whiny and snarly.

31 comments:

  1. Touché.

    1. If anything men are far more petrified of the woman who's shortlisting baby names after date two. We can tell, the look on her face and we're bolting...

    2. Agreed. So are we. But will you tell us the truth, even if we can't handle it?

    3. We concur. You concur. We need a signal. Reach out and scratch behind our ears.

    4. Heck, like you don't look at our butts. Then again, we don't have eyeballs at the back of our heads. And as for everything else, women talk. Men don't. Forgive a little window shopping.

    5. We keep you waiting? In what land do you live? It's us. It's us who wait. And wait. And wait. The shower and the makeup and the....

    =)

    3.

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  2. Hmm nice post!

    Myth 1 - most of the girls (calling them woman makes them slightly old, and makes me ineligible for them.. just kidding) are commitment phobic. They are so wary of relations, they always mention its better to be single!

    Myth 2 - considering the sex ratio of India (927 females for 1000 males), more girls are going to reject men statistically. And with more girls going single longer, situation is going to worsen!

    Myth 3 - Women do have a higher libido than men. It's just that men talk about it more. As for women, you just got to know what to do to bring out the pent up desire.

    Myth 4 - as for cleavages, they are like Sun. You got to take one look at it, but you can't keep looking at them! And I have noticed this that if a guy looks at a girl, she immediately knows that (sixth sense?)

    Myth 5 - my case has been slightly different. one of my friends does pile me up with some of her work while not realizing i got to work at times!

    just felt like commenting on your post, very well written and indeed, quite an education!

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  3. I think you're a little off target with some of those. Primarily because no two women think alike, so what applies to you probably does not apply to 98% of your tribe.
    In my experience; most women react horribly to break-ups, push for commitment earlier than men do and have little regard for their partner's time and eyeball men just as much as they are ogled at themselves. Or maybe that's just the women I have known... but that proves my point.
    Men on the other hand are not very complex to understand; feed us, f* us and shut the f* up. We require nothing else.

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  4. speak the truth and she shalt cry... thats a rule... but apart from that... lemme crib a lil... y do i get the wrong woman? the psycho-neurotic i'm-in-control-of-ur-life am-not-gonna-break-up wanna-get-married-and-have-babies right-away kinda woman? or is that true for all you guys out there?

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  5. Dear eM how beautifully men prove wat they r as mockturtle says 'Men on the other hand are not very complex to understand; feed us, f* us and shut the f* up. We require nothing else.' --- hey by the way do u find any difference from wat dogs want... see its easy to maintain dogs like how men want to maintain them

    Am sorry to use ur blog to share the above said opinion -- sorry but i cudnt help to point out the logic behind mockturlte's comment

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  6. wonder if the way to debunk stereotype myths is to provide another list of stereotypes. vehemently agree with no.1.

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  7. Adult education programme.
    Praudh shiksha abhiyaan.
    :P

    I liked it. Although most of these are quite relative myths and they might not necessarily apply to every one.

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  8. ya, see, i considered the option of saying these hold true for me and the objects represented here may not necessarily hold true for everyone else, but then the LAST time I used a disclaimer i got flak for it, now i'm getting flak for not using one!! make up your minds :)

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  9. Women do have a higher libido than men. It's just that men talk about it more. As for men, you just got to know what to do to bring out the pent up desire in women!

    *i stand corrected!

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  10. See? simple honest and to the point posts like this are why i like hangin out with you!
    its such a nice change from the types who like to pretend that those myths are true (men and women included).
    hope you get over this phase and find something/one to bring a little joy, be it shortlived or otherwise.
    cheers...

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  11. For the very first time perhaps you make absolute sense. Probably because you aren't being your usual pretentious self and are being honest instead? There's a hint here, aimed at your betterment. Think about it.

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  12. 'Let's get married' - is my favorite pick-up line. Damn it. Please don't flush it down the drain :P

    Hmmm...Don't see how the title of Myth #2 is related to the text; but hey, it's your blog, and you can call a cat, a dog. Peace.

    #3 I could prove you wrong on this one; but I ain't gonna try! :) No but seriously, I think, you look great.

    Now, this I don't believe. Most guys are quite blatant and just keep staring. Some even say, 'hey, very nice...I mean...nice shoes...ahem'. :P

    Btw, I am kinda busy, but I still took the time out to type out trivia comments! :)

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  13. people have fav pickup lines? that's really depresing

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  14. Love it - the sooner men figure this out the better.

    What I find even funnier is the guys that do all this even when you're IN a relationship with someone else and honestly Just Want To Be Friends.

    LOL @ sakthi

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  15. You missed out on ear-rings, you KNOW men check out ear-rings! (Let's hear it for Henry Blofeld!)

    J.A.P.

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  17. well, i agree with everything except that men cant multitask....

    we pay more attention to begin with and then go back to a comfortable level and expect you to be comfy too. that's selfish, but not exactly reason enough for you to believe we cheat.

    yes we cheat, so do you :)

    so live with it.

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  18. Why do such posts/writings always have to do with "We" -- as in "women as a collective pronoun." When they clearly should be written in the first person. The writer means all of these things with respect to herself, not as a generalization for a large section of women out there.

    Disclaimer: My grammar terminology is pathetic.

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  19. hmmm!! :-) :-) :-) lil eM, lil eM ...lil lil eM. there are guys... and there are guys

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  20. @eM- Heh! I concur.. You don't need a disclaimer for these. They hold true..

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  22. that's a cheap shot, you anonymous little sod.

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  23. i havent read a funnier blog in...wait a minute...ever. great blog. cant stop laughing about myth 4 and 5.

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  24. "she knows to much"...excessive knowledge only hurts you. Just kidding...very funny blog. Only Crystal Blur has managed to impress me with her humor till date. You are second in rank on Shek's funny list.

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  25. interesting post indeed..
    coming back to ur blog after ages..

    shocked to know you've defected to the maximum city..

    u really think all guys are like that?
    and even if some (or most) guys behave like that, arent the girls responsible to some extent..
    i mean, you said girls get horny too.. but if they dont show the guts to reach out and express that without any encumbrances or long winded references to commitment, values, beliefs, strength, love, unity of man and non proliferation.. how are we to know?

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  26. You are an amazing writer eM! I got to read one of your posts a few days back and since then keep returning back to this link everyday(whenever i get even a minute from my work or when i am at home!) to read all these postings by you ..Still a lot to read :-)
    The honesty with which you write makes it even more interesting !

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