22 May 2007

Coffee break netsurfing has results

Despite the length of this post, it took me exactly fifteen minutes to put together, going to show that copy-pasting with humourous (or so I like to think) asides is the perfect way to blog. Filter blogs, stand aside for The One.

Oh Craigslist, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Firstly the different specimens of people you throw before me, which cover all of human archetypes:

From men seeking women:

The Is-This-Guy-For-Real stereotype:

MUSLIM AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN SEEKS INDIAN 2nd WIFE - 25

I'm a successful businessman, very mature, in the US looking to get to know a pretty indian woman with a good disposition for eventual marriage and immigration to the US. I'm married and looking for another wife. I'm tall (6'5"), 230 lbs, athletically built, and well-adjusted. I don't care if you're muslim or not. Just be attractive, intelligent, and have a pleasing personality.

Lalalalala... Second wifehood, here I come!

The Yeah-Right stereotype

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A WOMAN WHO CANNOT GET ENOUGH SEX? - m4w - 31
Are you insatiable?
This one time, I ate an entire package of Emmental in one sitting
Do you wake up in the night dripping wet?
Yeah, man, I totally need to get an airconditioner, this weather is killing me
Do you always look at men with sex in mind?
Well, I DO notice they're men, yes. Well, most of the time anyway
Do you sometimes wear a skirt short enough that you are worried about getting arrested?
They can DO that? I plead the Right To Information act! Or something.
Do you want to be touched anytime and anywhere?
Sure, if you like a quick kick to the balls
Do you like being told what to do when you have sex?
If my MOTHER can't tell me what to do, then, well, no
Do you slip away to the lady's room during your workday to jerk off?
One of the many, many benefits of working from home! Yay, me
Do you wear sexy lingerie and no panties because it makes you feel sexier?
Or when I run out of clean underwear
Have you had forced sex in a dressing room, club loos, car or in someone else's bed?
You mean without the hand sanitizer?
Have you ever exposed yourself to someone while driving in your car?
Well once the seatbelt got caught in my top and there was Nipplegate, but I don't think anyone noticed.
Are you a risk taker, adventurer, imaginative, open minded, and creative?
I jumped on to the local train WHILE it was moving! I'm so proud of myself for that

dont waste time & reply to this post immediately for a mind blowing time..

The Let's-Just-Fuck-Already Stereotype

Wealthy professional seeks mistress - 35
I am 35 years old, married (but bored), wealthy professional running my own consulting firm. I am seeking a discrete arrangment with a single (preferably) or married/divorced (who's hubby is away) woman to be my mistress. You must have your own place, and be available daytimes and evenings. I like long chats over coffee and cake, flirting and foreplay, romance and naughtiness. I am a very open minded, liberal person and I seek the same.

About me: I am a warm, caring person, with excellent taste for the good things in life, and I know how to treat a woman with tenderness, dignity and respect. I am willing to provide some financial support (upto limits)

About you: You must be 30+, matured and inteligent. You must have your own place to meet (not at first, but later, if things work out) and must be open minded, and willing to try out new and fun things.

So wait, I quit my job (to be available daytimes) AND I let you into my apartment, risking my reputation in the neighbourhood, not to mention my marriage and you give me SOME financial support upto LIMITS? How could I ever refuse this?

The Not-Quite-Paying-Money-For-Sex-But-Almost stereotype International businessman seeks great sex - m4w - 37
Visiting first week of July for a month. Looking for an Indian girl, 20-25 years old, minimum 5-4 tall (taller the better), with large breasts (36C or bigger). Extra points for very large areaola/nipples. If you are a little chubby, I dont have any problems (be under 75kgs). Very good compensation and pampering while you become my companion. Possible permanent job in my Mumbai office, with opportunities to accompany me on foreign trips.
Send email with photos, age, height, breast size

75 kgs? Really? Will you be able to pick my boobs out from the tummy tyres? Oh wait, I guess my gigantic nipples will be a giveway. Smart, smart.

Secondly, the look into various cultures:

From the Casual Encounters section:

You guys take our american jobs away from us!

Dude. Twenty oh seven. Not Nineteen Ninety Nine.

From the Missed Connection section:

seen you fixin planes (delta mechanic) - w4m - 28

why you gotta be so sexy when you change them brakes?? i got some lunch for you down my place. i heard you like to fly kites and teach children and exotic birds about poetry, and how to treat one another with respect. i seen your gerber.

Location: bombay airport

Dear blog reader,
What is a gerber?
Sincerly,
Puzzled In Mumbai


Thirdly, the typos people make:

Airline Pilot Looking For Friends - m4w - 32
Hi i'm a pilot who flies into mumbai often with an international airline.i'm 322 yrs old.
5'10'' 82kgs.light brown eyes black hair and light tanned skin. looking for ladies between 18 and 35 to hang out with and maybe more if we click.. would like to meet smart, well dressed ,educated ,good looking and well spoken people.. i stay in santa crusz on my layovers..travelling within bombay is no problem. please e mail with interests and details. look forwad to hearing from you.

I would, I would, but you're a little old for me
Fourthly, the lovely randomness of it all.

From the Rants and Raves section, a conversation:

Judge Dinesh Gupta has sex with boys
Judge Dinesh Gupta is a homosexual.
That is why he does not like kissing between men and women. He must be charged and imprisoned for man love.
Spread the truth about Judge Dinesh Gupta, Judge manlove.

Re: Judge Dinesh Gupta has sex with boys
It's true...it's true.

I love having sex with young boys -- you and your brother were excellent in bed. Thanks...I'll never forget it. I'd be happy to reduce or dismiss your sentence again and again whenever you're willing to trade for "services".

I should also mention, you should really get that rash on your penis looked at.

Sincerely,
D.Gupta,
Judge Superior Courts

Oh, the giggledom. I have nothing to add that will make this one better. But while I'm asking mystified questions, who is Judge Gupta?

I'm glad to see my hometown is joining in the general weirdness. Don't let us down, Delhi!

Seeking wealth and compassion - 54
In exchange for marriage, I want a home in miami beach and to visit india and the dharamsala. Elegant and refined woman, a teacher, in the USA. Email photo and winning honest email. I prefer someone with a vow of chastity/

Of course you do. Right up there with my plan to marry a rich old man due to die in three months with a serious heart disease that keeps him from having any sex, but who will still leave me all his money so I can then marry the poor poet who's been waiting around for him to pop it. Ah, the dreams little girls have

White Hijra Sissy Seeking Indian Man - 28
Hello, My name is Christine. I have become hinduadopting the name Chandani and am undergoing self- instruction in the Hindi language. I am a transsexual, meaning that I was born male but am truly female, and appear female. In India they are called Hijra. I want a man to take me back to India, and let me be his housewife. I am female in all other respects, on hormones, with developed breasts
My Ideal Person: I am looking for an Indian Hindu man, to make me his Hijra housewife, and submissive love. I am naturally feminine and very traditional in my aspect, and am looking for a mature-minded serious man for this proposition

The photos for this one were scarily touching. Go Chandani! Go get your hijra humping on! *sniff*
Any Gay Guys Interested in Fake Marriage?
Hi, I'm a normal female, in love with my boyfriend. However, my family hates my boyfriend and wants me to marry a man from my own caste.

So... are you interested in a fake marriage for a couple of years to make our parents happy? Then we can get divorced and tell them it did not work, so to let us be happy in our own ways.

If you're interested, please write me and tell me about yourself -- your age, profession, caste (I don't care -- my boyfriend's not the same caste as me, obviously, but my parents care. What can I say?), picture, and anything else parents might look for in A Suitable Boy ; )

And if you think this idea is crazy, PLEASE DON'T SEND ME EMAILS WITH ADVICE

Wow. This is my new hero. YOU should start a blog. And stop watching so Akshay Khanna, Debra Messing, Jennifer Aniston movies


I trawl the internet for you, handpicking weirdos. Could anyone love you more?
I THINK NOT.

ps: Real Life while not quite the smorsgabord of fun that the internet is, sometimes comes very close. Chrisann and I stole this off the society bulletin board when we were visiting Sameer yesterday.

Crap, I seem to have lost it. But from what I remember it said:

To whomsoever has been leaving their trash bags on the ground floor, BEWARE. Someday your Dark Deeds will be found out.

30 comments:

  1. Dude. Where do you find this stuff? I need to start working from home ASAP.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, in my world, Gerber is an American brand of pre-packaged baby food but I am pretty certain that is not what he meant.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your society is FUN.

    And the Internet is full of weirdos.

    (new blog!)

    word verification: eouuunew! ironic.

    - 'cale'

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  4. wow. i want a job like yours !!!

    And judge dinesh gupta is the guy that wanted gere and shetty in jail :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wahahahahahahahahah!!!!
    Thanks! I REALLY needed that!!
    Glad youre enjoying the new setup so much.
    Cheers...

    ReplyDelete
  6. SAMEER!!!!!
    L-o-Freaking-L
    is that what we're calling him these days?
    there was a bit about we're all educated and don't we know or somehtign about manners in the note
    I still can't believe we stole
    do you think he goes online?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Right to Information act??? How is that connected to short skirts and getting arressted? You are hilarious!!! You must be deliberately dumbing down..heh?

    ReplyDelete
  8. the best ones in delhi, you'll come across in person. hehehe the boobies obsessed guy was hilarious.

    excellent post!

    hobo

    ReplyDelete
  9. :)
    That just made my morning. It's been a rather dull morning.

    ReplyDelete
  10. and i thought u were beginning to lose ur touch...

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  11. hahahahah.......

    so when r u leaving your job...

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  12. I'm attractive, smart & cheerful. Divorced with a 14y/o son. In lust with a Delhi-based man who is not into
    marriage. I'd like to marry a financially solvent, gentle, gay man who is in a stable relationship. You get a sister who'll look
    after your household, and a son too. I get financial security and freedom to have my man occasionally.

    --Sister really? and then she also wants to have him.. eeew. grose

    ReplyDelete
  13. another man? searching woman(s)

    allo my nema borat. nhyce to meet eeew. do yah know wherea puhmela anderson live?

    ReplyDelete
  14. You made me look at the Jacksonville FL craigslist and 99.9% women seeking men are 'hos'. My version of your post wouldn't be so much fun. I could, however do a statistical analysis at the mean, median and standard deviation of the number of 'roses' (roses = $$) required to spend 'time' with these women. Maybe I should go further and find the mean age of women in these adverts. Next step is to do the similar study for some other city like LA and then perform a t test and f test to see how much the 'ho' population in Jacksonville sucks (pun intended)!

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  15. i'm glad you mentioned craigslist on your blog. it's a very useful service (especially the housing section) but unfortunately isn't popular in india. hope this post is a step towards changing that.

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  16. "I am looking for a compatible soulmate. I am divorced and looking for true love that will last forever." from 'women seeking men'.

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  17. Craigslist is a good timepass to do anyday! the mumbai version isn't much developed one, but the american ones are awesome!
    i had spent one evening on NY craigslist (primary aim was to check real estate prices there and feel good that mumbai is cheap), and meandered around here and there, really great fun!

    the short skirt and RTI is still on the imaginary plane, do clarify!

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  18. Now somebody does have too much time on her hand. Ok. So the post took 15 min to cook, but the recipe must come out of 1000 hours of brawsing the net, no?

    Charms of working@home, I guess, or just another semi-burnt out Journalist at 25?

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  19. Craigslist is just filled with filthy pigs. It jus boggles my mind when i see my hometown and some of the 'requests' these people make ..just sick but ofcourse it makes for a humourous post. yay us
    tc

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  20. Really, where do you pull this up from... It's amusing, and leaves you wanting more :D

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  21. heya,

    do you remember where that really smart 'scout' chica is at now? i think she used to be scoutfessingup at blogspot but can't seem to find her. =(

    ReplyDelete
  22. for uncountable hours of more fun, check out the "best of" posts on cl. They are some of the most hilariously random posts I have ever come across on the inter-web. Happy clicking..

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  23. "75 kgs? Really? Will you be able to pick my boobs out from the tummy tyres? Oh wait, I guess my gigantic nipples will be a giveway. Smart, smart."

    :-) still laughing after reading it a good few times.. you really have a way!

    ReplyDelete
  24. mcangsty...scout is at http://doyouwannafess.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  25. Cool blog. I dig your site outline and I plan on
    returning again! I just love finding blogs like this
    when I have the time.

    Peter

    ReplyDelete

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