10 May 2007

In Many Ways I'm Just A Giggly High School Girl

EXHIBIT A: The hickey

I love hickeys. I love both giving and receiving these hickeys. I know it's a very sixteen year old thing to do, but still, I love the battle scars of being loved recently. And I give awesome hickeys. They're huge--not the wussy red blotchy things--but ENORMOUS purple-y blue things. They look like bruises, these hickeys. And, no, they don't hurt at all. Here's how I do it:

INGREDIENTS: One willing and able boy
One mouth
One hour of making out before that so that boy is willing and able

Pick an erogenous zone. The neck, of course, is the traditional spot for love bites, but you could also go for the shoulder or the pelvic girdle.

Find a slightly loose bit of skin, not attached to bone or anything.

Using your lips, get a hold of said skin. DO NOT use your teeth.

Apply suction, similar to getting the last bits of a really really thick milkshake into your mouth for about three to four minutes.

Sit back, and watch the glory that is your hickey.

(Then of course, there are the hickey excuses. Most frequently used: "It's a mosquito bite!" Most imaginative: "I hit myself in the neck with a hanger!" Most likely to get you into trouble with your mother: "It's a highly allergic reaction to something I ate.")

EXHIBIT B: The teenage high school romance chick flick

My favourites:

Can't Hardly Wait
Ten Things I Hate About You
Mean Girls
Freaky Friday
Clueless
Never Been Kissed
American Pie

The question is, where were all these yummy, delectable Heath Ledger types when I was in high school?

EXHIBIT C: Make up

Here, the question for the defendant is, "Why, when you decide to wear make up, do you always look like a paint-by-numbers experiment?"

Every adult woman should have some basic knowledge in this field. All I can do is kajal. And shiny lipgloss. And there are some people I know who have been able to do shiny lipgloss while they were still foetuses.

EXHIBIT D: Low alcohol threshhold

Normally, I can drink quite a few people under the table. But of late, something very strange is going on. Maybe it's because I don't go drinking as often as I used to, and even when I do, I nurse like one or two drinks all night. Whenever I happen to consume more than three drinks I'm flying, so happy, doing, "I'm the king of the world!" hands and giggling all over whoever happens to be with me. I also notice I blink more when I'm buzzed, and then since I'm noticing that I'm blinking, I concentrate on the blinks, till I'm sitting there with my eyes half shut and almost fall off my chair, at which point someone or the other says, "Okay, let's go home". Oh wait, what am I saying? My friends are as alcoholic as I am. That sentence should have read, at which point someone or the other says, "Okay, let's do shots!" Is it any wonder then, that my liver has just about given up on me?

(This part of the post needs a little disclaimer to all you holier-than-thou types who are going to attempt to say something about my hedonistic lifestyle and to remind you of two things a) I exaggerate sometimes and b) you're awfully boring, so please, I appreciate the thought, but just consider all your Wisdom already imparted, yeah?)

Why I'm actually NOT a high school girl:

> I'm twenty five, which, if I was still in high school, would make me a retard

> I don't look good in cargo pants

> Or those little pleated skirts everyone above twelve seems to be wearing

> I look like I should belong to the Good Girls clique, but seeing as I smoke so much, I'd be placed in the Disturbed Angsty Girls Who Are Actually Really Hot And Smart As You Find Out Towards The End Of The Movie clique

> In real life, I flitted from clique to clique, not really belonging to any of them

> This was good, because I got invited to all the parties and didn't have to participate in any of the politics


The defence rests, your honour.

25 comments:

  1. But the kajal and shiny lip gloss looks works best.

    Understated, yet elegant.

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  2. You never practiced kissing with your best girl friend first? I thought that was a high school rite of passage?

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  3. I feel your pain on the make up thing. I can't even do the kajal thing since I wear lenses and it ittitates my eyes and the lipstick is in my stomach within an hour!

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  4. should I be offering you more reasons for mot being a giggly school girl
    a: you have a cat
    b: you have sex
    (no wait veryone in school is having sex)
    sigh!
    eM you don't really giggle do you?

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  5. Hickey. When I first heard that I had misunderstood the word to mean hiccups.
    http://www.coolnurse.com/hickey_help.htm

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  6. How many of you here know if any high school kid who act their AGE?? huhuh?? Except, when they open their mouth..

    Althought theres a few years of diff btw us n them..it almost feels a BIG GENERATION GAP!!

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  8. eM,
    As much as I like reading your blog, I very strongly feel that you are taking your health for granted. Drinking ocassionally is fine but smoking should be an absolute no-no. Smokings kills - literally. You are screwing up your lungs, your heart, your skin..in fact, your whole body. I know a lot of us started smoking because smoking was "cool", but please understand that smoking is not cool and does not make you look modern and liberated. Its an addiction and shows a persons weakness of character. Wont be rather be a person running 5 kms every morning in your track suit than a smoker standing in a stinking smoking corner looking sick still inhaling at the cancer stick.

    Think about it,

    Shubh Chintak

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  9. God darling what is IT with anons (and otherwise) who leave comments on your blog? Srsly dude.

    Evidence towards the fact my life is very, very twisted:

    Grandmother [brining her watery eyes close to my neck and gasping]: Is that a love... bite... child?
    Me: Er... yes?
    Grandmother: Oh I'm so PROUD

    That sort of has dampened my enthusiasm re: hickeys, I mean, if your grandmother's gunna be proud of you if you had one, you really might as well not have got one.

    Gunna be in Bombay soon! We should totally do coffee or something. Hit me up on Facebook, btw, I'll send you the whole name thing via email.

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  10. people have cats in high school too, you know! :)
    cale, for sure, facebook will be added duly.
    non-anon commenter who signed their name: thanks, appreciate it, but really, i've learnt from attempting many times and not succeeding, quitting ONLY happens when you want to quit. clearly, i don't want to.
    nintendo fiend: OFF, off my blog! go do something else.

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  11. haha nice post. helpfully graphic too - hickey for the dummy type post ;)

    And I have to share this. One of the girls in our drama troupe has to smoke on stage. So when we told her how all our folks thought she actually smoked in she was like, 'nooooo! Tell them I am NOT LIKE THAT in real life!'

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  12. In real life, I flitted from clique to clique, not really belonging to any of them...
    this is quite the line. my sentiments exactly... :) so have u resigned to never be part of one?

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  13. Hmm that indeed is hickey for dummys! i have had painful experiences..

    and you are still a giggly high school girl..
    > I'm twenty five, which, if I was still in high school, would make me a retard
    - ur emotions are still of a college girl..

    > I don't look good in cargo pants
    - school girls are getting mature faster and looking sad in cargos!

    > Or those little pleated skirts everyone above twelve seems to be wearing
    they r so out of touch!

    > I look like I should belong to the Good Girls clique, but seeing as I smoke so much, I'd be placed in the Disturbed Angsty Girls Who Are Actually Really Hot And Smart As You Find Out Towards The End Of The Movie clique
    - school girls want to be known like that
    > In real life, I flitted from clique to clique, not really belonging to any of them
    - high school girl type confused yet willing to try the next!

    > This was good, because I got invited to all the parties and didn't have to participate in any of the politics

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  14. Should so have read this post before you turned up yesterday evening. Could have spiked your entire "I-hate-all-men" schpiel.

    J.A.P.

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  15. you don't want to???? why - do you think it is cool??

    can you imagine what its doing to your body?

    sample this -

    Tobacco use can damage a woman's reproductive health. Women who smoke have an increased risk for delayed conception and fertility problems. Smokers are younger at menopause than nonsmokers and may have more unpleasant symptoms while going through menopause.

    Smoking can also cause complications during pregnancy that can hurt both mother and baby. Smokers have a higher risk of the placenta growing too close to the opening of the uterus. Smokers are also more likely to have premature membrane ruptures and placentas that separate from the uterus too early. Bleeding, premature delivery, and emergency Caesarean section (C-section) may result from these problems. Smokers are also more likely to have miscarriages and stillbirths.

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  16. Oufff to everyone who thinks giving someone a lecture on smoking is actually going to help them quit. Instead, it's only going to make them think that people who don't smoke are boring.

    Consider this - some of us are really nicer people when we smoke. And yes we may soon die a painful death but maybe we'd rather be nice people till we do instead of being the acerbic souls we are sans nicotine.

    Note: I have actually quit smoking because I promised my then fiance that I would when I turned 25 and then I turned 25 a year and a half later. Hmph! I must say I like me better when I was a smoker. I wouldn't be ranting like this, for one.

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  17. thanks for the link. and i agree about the movies. i could watch every single one - popcorn, coke, smores and nailpolish. its the stuff happy marathons are made of. and inevitably, the men are hot. though i prefer heath ledger to freddie prinz jr. quite pointless this comment.

    and the shubh chintak - means well and all, but i wonder if he thinks people will read his comment and go, "hang on a second, he makes sense, i really SHOULD quit. gee, I must be more careful with my unborn kid. Fuck condoms, I'm quitting smoking RIGHT NOW."

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  18. poor shubh chintak. i don't smoke so i'm not biased againt SC, but I know better than to convince people to quit! It's not like smokers don't know the facts. It's a cost- benefit analysis.

    It's like saving money. Everyone knows it is good and necessary to save, but most often immediate pleasure trumps long term benefit and you end up blowing up everything you earn. nobody delivers 'stop splurging' lectures to people...and for the same reasons 'stop smoking' lectures are not going to work!

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  19. I loved the hickey thing..I keep telling me mom that ooh, that's an insect bite :D

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  20. The best post I have read in a while! Look like a dummy laughing out loud at work, but what the heck! Keep the posts coming, eM!:-)

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  21. The hickey put you on a divine pedestal in college. You wore the lowest necklines to show it off and when people spotted it, it was best to brush it off with a 'oh that old thing' attitude. sigh miss those days.

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  22. Hey that Hickey tric..tottaly works... ;-D

    Gee Thanx *Blush*

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  23. great but dont you think we need to develop infrastructure standards? :-) cant get over my trying to utilize your popularity. hahahaha. all for a good cause.

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