13 October 2004

The One With The Sex

I remember very clearly the day I lost my virginity. It was July 20, 2002, a hot summer afternoon, no college and an empty house all at our disposal.
K and I had been daringly progressing from making out to heavy making out to even heavier making out, till it seemed like the room would explode from the intensity of our desires, throbbing and hanging in the air like unsaid question marks. It seemed as if even the mirrors were fogging up, those sultry summer days and that everywhere we went, even in public places we couldn’t stop touching each other. Just gentle hand brushes or an arm around the others waist, but secret tingles at the thought of the secret hickeys hidden away on our bodies.
We had, of course, planned it, both of us being virgins, even gigglingly bought condoms--- Durex Super Fine, if memory serves. And then he looked at me and said, “So we’re really going to do this?” And I squeezed my eyes shut (as I had heard long painful stories from my girlfriends) and said, “Yes, we really are.”
I wish I could tell you it was beautiful and pleasurable, but it really wasn’t. The pain I felt, so much worse than the first time I used a tampon, his apprehension about hurting me, because though I tried to hide it it showed on my face. And his pain (did you know guys feel pain at losing their virginity too? Cool) mixed with his desire. Not pretty. In fact we almost stopped several times.
But then we perservered and finally we weren’t virgins anymore. I rolled over, naked and sweaty, and little knowing that this would become a habitual thing, lit my first post-coital cigarette. (Can I just say, someone should write an ode to the wonders of a cigarette after sex. Nothing, but nothing, feels as good, not even the act itself).
That evening we went for a walk to a little-known park in the area. K bought some roasted corn from a vendor, and we sat on a bench there, not talking, not even looking at each other but just being in that moment. It wasn’t even happiness, it was beyond happiness, the kind of feeling that makes your stomach clench and your eyes prickle. The kind of feeling that scares you sometime. The kind of feeling you cannot articulate.
My legs felt as though they couldn’t hold me anymore, and I knew that I glowed because I could see the reflected glow on his face. I felt like the first woman on the earth and all I wanted in that moment was to be alone and be silent with him in that park forever.
Sex with K was never just sex (until the end). It was making love in all senses of that phrase. So much so that by the end of it when we lay spent, I’d find tears in my eyes. And that didn’t surprise me.
I had sex with an old flame on Saturday. It was brilliant and he was more experienced than K ever was. But now, looking back, I wonder how I could reduce my beautiful tear-inducing making love to random sex.
It’s tough some days.



17 comments:

  1. oh gosh.. eM.. you have put me off 'it' forever!

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  2. Hmmm....it's so sad that life takes us from,having those near perfect moments with the one we think we'll love forever,to,those moments when we become more 'used to' with those very moments (which earlier made us all weak and vulnerable).But then I think, at times this very change makes us appreciate some other emotion which we would'nt have experienced or appreciated.
    Holy shit- I think I am rambling!
    Better go ;-)

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  3. Hmmm....it's so sad that life takes us from,having those near perfect moments with the one we think we'll love forever,to,those moments when we become more 'used to' with those very moments (which earlier made us all weak and vulnerable).But then I think, at times this very change makes us appreciate some other emotion which we would'nt have experienced or appreciated.
    Holy shit- I think I am rambling!
    Better go ;-)

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  4. *hugs*

    always before whistle reading/listening to anyone recount their first time i have always felt a lil... ummm don't know... like i am not entirely sure i should be hearing it...something thats so personal+pvt...

    but the way u articulated it ....kudos u to girl.. u write beautifully.

    unfortunately life does have this annoying habit to MOVE on!! ...no way things between u n HIM can be resolved?
    btb, chuck that ciggi forthwith! cancer ain't so much fun :"(

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  5. Hima: Sweetie, if I've put you off it then you've missed the point of the post!

    Sunrayz: I agree.. it's so easy to take things for granted and like the song goes "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone"

    Pramila: Thanks for the compliment! I wondered if it was "too much information" beforer I posted this, but if you notice I haven't given away any of the gory details. Just things that are close to my heart...

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  6. umm.. i think i knew what u were talkin about.. just wanted to employ my sick sense of humor to bring you out of your brooding.. guess it didnt work, as usual.. :)

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  7. I lost mine to my wife and the first few times was actually kinda anti-climatic. It was a great feeling, the kind of surge of emotions that surpasses the actual act. Don't fret, hopefully it will be more than random soon.

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  8. Oh, my first was awful. I'm glad you were spared that. What a beautiful memory. Though how sad that sex no longer brings you to tears? I still have that happen sometimes. Though maybe I'm crying for how awful my first was! :-)

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  9. Nice post... Appreciate your guts and the sense of life in you >:D< (huggs)
    Well.. it gave me the feel that once more I could visualize my first sex reading this. Well this is what makes me more happy that though I never had my first real sex so far.. but visualizing while reading a good writers note, helps me understand and enjoy the read :-)

    More over.. it was nice to read your bolg as it is always good to know a lively person :-) M sure U live a real life :-)

    Was really nice reading this note.

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  10. dear dont know what to say ..... u find the divinity of love ..... now only i get the chance to read u... ur write up so great ...

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  11. it was ausome to read your first sex as i read it for 9 times....great feeling

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  12. colourful and gentile discribtion makes everybody's mind back to there Ist experence.

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  13. free writing nd nice guts!!!
    good

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  14. being a female am encouraged by you.love u so much dear.nice gutts...keep it up,,...in my views you are the perfect girl..........................

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  15. That was a good read. Reminded me of my experience. I remember asking my then gf if I was walking 'ok'. Makes me laugh! :)

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  16. Kudos to you girl .. such a brilliant write up

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