18 April 2005

When The Road Is Hilly, Driving Fast Is Silly

That's probably the best warning sign I could come up with. I was very, very bored, slightly nauseated from the round-an-round-an-round that my taxi was doing, so just to keep myself alive and not barfing I thought of all those signs painted on the side of the road. Y'know, the kinds that say "Hair Pin Bend" and "God Is Life". And "Beware Of Falling Rocks, They Might Knock You Out Of Your Socks." Okay, I made the last one up. And it was terrible.

My whole trip was terrible. Okay, perhaps terrible is too strong a word. How about mind-numbingly-brain-fuckingly-chew-off-your-own-arm-to-escape BORING? Yeah. What made me think I could do this? Cover a golf tournament? What made anyone think I looked like the kind of person with "Can Cover A Golf Tournament Without Collapsing" label?

Oh, it had its moments. There were hills. But the hills in Uttaranchal are dry and thirsty looking. Not like the Himachal hills. The Himachal hills make me want to run down them, arms outstretched, yodelling, "The hilllllllllllllllllllls are alive, with the sound of myooo-sick." But the Nainital hills? Nada.

Servile-Little-Man-From-Uttaranchal-Tourism hovered around me for a bit. He showed me ‘Scandal Point’ where many people have jumped to their death off a cliff. He pointed out a nearby slope where students from Sherwood school fell to a gory end. I wandered curiously close to the precipice and he made worried noises, "Please to be stepping back. Please, madam. There are whirlwinds in the hills and they will carry you away." Finally, to stop his head from combusting with all those ‘Please to be’s I moved away, not even doing the whole Leo DiCaprio "I’m the king of the world" thing I had been dying to.

The hotel was ancient and had these three stuffed tigers in various nooks and crannies. It was rather disconcerting to walk past their motheaten snarls just to get to the reception. But it was a hotel with character, the rooms were HUGE and there was an antiquated bathtub and I curled up next to the heater in the huge bed, read Alchemy Of Desire and watched The Apprentice. And Koffee With Karan, if you must know. And various parts of Page 3 on Zoom.

And I suppose the weather was nice. Freezing actually. There was a "gala dinner" on Saturday night after the game, and everyone was dressed to the nines. Bunch of old men, some with wives and annoying little children in tow. But, but, after speeches had been made and dinner had been served and band imported from Delhi crooned, "You feel up my senses, come feel me again," I sat down at the nearest available table, teeth chattering, with rum and coke. And found the only young cute boys there. And flirted mildly, spoke of Delhi longingly, because even though I had only been gone for a day, I was homesick. And it was Saturday night. And people I loved were having good times without me. Young Cute Boys served purpose, made me feel a little less mindfucked, and were very sweet.

Besides which, I’ve got golf jokes coming out of my ears. My favourite wasn’t even meant to be a joke: this guy was making a speech and talking about the 16th hole which was apparently on a slope. So he goes, "So my balls kept going up and down no matter how hard I tried to stop them." Hee.

And I was doing just that, snickering softly to myself, the hood on my jacket up when he says something about, "the young journalist who is here" and of course, everyone turned to look at me and saw the semi-leer, semi-retarded expression that comes when you’re trying to surpress the giggles. And of course, everyone probably also guessed at the dirty routes my mind was taking. So much for my as pure as driven snow act that I put on all weekend.

But never again. Golf is so not my cup of coffee (which, by the way? People in the hills DO NOT know how to make. Seriously, everywhere I went I got the world’s worst cup)

18 comments:

  1. Hmmm..sorry about your trip. atleast it wasn't scorching out there:)

    read your archives, btw, and stumbled upon your golfer friend.

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  2. By "stumbled upon" do you mean you met him? Or read about him in the archives? Enquiring minds want to know :)

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  3. read about him: then your last post...was going to say...so it didn't go waste ...:)

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  4. "So my balls kept going and up and down no matter how hard I tried to stop them."

    I must be very tired because I giggled for 2 minutes after I read that. Also, I found it amusing that the man from the Tourism Board was showing you all the hot spots to kill yourself.

    Welcome back!

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  5. Young cute boys, in Nanital. I guess its a talent a rare few of us are born with ;)

    Welcome back ! Im sure Delhi is a better place with you in it..

    And Anurag, as I was saying, Tiger Woods... ;)

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  6. You poor thing - golf! Only the boringest 'sport' ever invented. But I know how you feel. I spent one year writing ads and brochures for a container shipping company. I still haven't recovered from that.

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  7. i empathise with you totally. recently i had a pleasant conversation with a to-be colleague who suddenly asked what my handicap was! then looked at me strangely when i said i had no idea what he was talking about. corporate america is the hangout of arthiritic men who are too old to play REAL sports. sigh!

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  8. Mint: Yeah, I thought it was a little odd about him pointing out suicide hotspots too :)

    Vignesh: It IS a talent. And one I'm very good at ;)


    Jay: OMG one year?? I don't think I could've handled that! Kudos to you!

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  9. Vishnupriya: Just saw your comment after I posted mine.. not just corporate America, the entire corporate world. Why don't they do something exciting like a motorcycle rally? *sigh*

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  10. You are hereby entitled to lived the worst weekend of april 2005 award.

    I am just imagining a tipsy, freezing, smiling to self, imaginative journalist (with the hood of jacket covering her head, for special effect) trying to think a way out when the whole crowd is staring at her. :)) I would love to be in such a spot, and then make some really scandalous remark.

    As for the corporate world being involved in mind numbing activities, the company where I had my first job arranged an expedition to Gadhwal himalayas, spanning three weeks. We climbed to a height of 20,000 feet (Mount Saifee) and missed the peak by 400 feet. That was fun.

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  11. ads and brochures writing for a container shipping company pales when compared to people who have to write mindnumbing MTV scripts for VJs to read... and as if that wasn't bad enough, wake up at 5:30 a.m. for the shoots. Hmph.

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  12. Okay, Anurag, SS?
    Here's the thing:
    a) people who go for lovely mountain-climbing thingies shouldn't point and laugh. It's unkind.
    b) People who work for MTV REALLY shouldn't be allowed to say these things.
    And humph right back atcha.

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  13. The best road signs ever are undeniably the ones you spot on your way to Leh. Sample a few:
    1. No one is a Gamma, in the land of Llama.
    2. Be gentle on my curves.

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  14. I remember the "Be gentle on my curves" signs in Sikkim. Posed for a photo next to one with a sleazy snicker (sort of the kind of smile eM was talking about).
    Sikkim signs were classic - "Don't let your peace fall to pieces: drive carefully" and my favorite, near a wooded area: "DANGER: Ferocious man-eating tigers".

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  15. Hi,
    Congrats for being mentioned in the paper! Do you wanna join the "delhi bloggers" group? Just a group consisting of delhi bloggers who meet up at times .. u can visit http://delhiblogmeet.rediffblogs.com

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  16. forgive me eM for i have sinned...er..does lying about blogging count ? ;-)

    the Sikkim road-signs are truly classic - must be the all that oxygen the BRO ( border roads org. ) is deprived of.

    still waiting for those reviews ;-)

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  17. Manish: LOL... thanks for that :) Now I HAVE to go to Leh!

    Dwarf at large: Ooh, ooh, post pic pronto! :)

    Twilight fairy: Sure, sounds like fun! Only you haven't had a meeting in a while, right?

    Mangs: i'm totally with you... Twilight, which paper?? :)

    Abstract: Hmph. People who hide their blogs deserve no pity! Reviews soon, I promise!

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