I am particularly unattractive these days. I have a terrible cold--thanks to going for a Diwali party with no adequate covering except for a thin crepe chunni--so my nose is all red and raw around the edges. My ears are blocked, my hair has said ta-ta goodbye and fucked off. And to top it all off, I feel fat.
Grah. (Pronounced Graaa-ah).
It is no wonder then, that I'm single. And I'm probably going to wind up alone, and die alone eaten by Alsations.
There are other reasons I'm single too:
I can't stand words being mispronounced. I mean really, v is veee, w is when you round your lips together. No clasping of the lower lip with your teeth, just round your mouth. Therefore it is "Way" and not "Vay". This pisses me off so much that many potential boys have been banished to the Kingdom Of Bad Pronounciation for it. (Ruled by the clan of people who say "My hair are..". Hello? Hair is SINGULAR, how often do we have to go over that?) There was this boy once, a pretty young lad who I was quite warming up to. And then he mispronounced five words in the same sentence. Gently I pointed it out, but he didn't react too well to that. If people just DON'T want to learn, what are you to do, right?
Call me Ally McBeal, but getting food on your face is a distinct no-no in my world. Ketchup on fries, not on your face. I hate ketchup anyway. I can't stand the smell and the taste. This does not go down very well with some boys who like to mix up the ketchup and the mustard into one pus type puddle. Ewwwwwww. I do make some exceptions to the food on face rule though. Chocolate is good. A latte foam mustache is very cute--but not if you do it on purpose.
Tight jeans, worn up to your waist, with your shirt tucked in. Good Lord, boy, it's 2005, not 1981 as you seem to imagine. And your tush isn't that cute, and even it were that cute, it would probably look better in like loose jeans. Not baggy, mind you. Baggy jeans are for teenagers with spiked hair with the tops of their Calvin Klein chaddis showing. That's just trying too hard.
People who don't read. Or who say the only book they have ever read is a) Love Story b) The Da Vinci Code or c) Anything by Michael Chricton (I don't think I spelt that right) or Robert Ludlum or whatshisface, the chap who writes a lot about hunting in Africa.
If you've passed these high tests, there are also the smaller tests. What music you listen to. Whether you have any passions beyond making money. Whether you get on with my friends. Whether you like TC. That sorta thing.
I'm afraid (and this might shock you a little) that leaves me with NO ONE. In this ENTIRE CITY.
I'm so dying alone, no?
ps: if someone could tell me the full form of Q.E.D, I'd be most grateful. I've always wondered. I know the "e" is "ergo", right?
UPDATE THE SECOND: Thought of some other stuff that drives me crazy in a not-so-good way last night. The way he is on the phone is super important. It all begins with how he says hello. Some people say it nicely "Hel-lo" others stretch it out which I can't stand: Ha-lee-yo? Even worse are the ones who seem to swallow up all the letters in the middle so it comes out like "Hlo?" And oh my god, the Hello Tunes! Those are such an excellent way to tell if the guy's for you or not. I knew a guy who had "Lonely.. I am so lonely.." as his Hello Tune and you're calling him and you're thinking, "Oh-kaay. Let's just hang up and back slowly away from the reciever."
And some guys canNOT conduct a phone conversation. There's an art to it, there are some people I don't mind chatting to for hours on the phone. But some guys just put the burden of the conversation on you, so they'll keep going, "Hey wassup?" and "Sooo, tell me" till you're ready to scream! I can't tell who's worse, them or the chappies who don't let you get a word in edgewise, they'll say, "Hi, how're you?" and you'll go, "Oh I have a.." and they'll go, "Yeah? I've had the worst day!" and you'll go, "Oh, me.." and they'll go, "So I was talking to my friend and he said we should go for a movie" and so on.
Just wanted to say that. Carry on now. :)