2 January 2006

Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone

What is it about New Year's Eve that makes compulsive confessors out of all of us? For the second year running, someone has told me they love me. The rest of the year, nothing, zero etc. But come post-midnight January 1st and suddenly like Cinderella or something, I am loved.


Last New Year's Eve, there was this boy, the boyfriend of an acquaintance actually. We had been having a semi-drunk conversation about women in general, and how backpacking around India was the way to go when suddenly he leaned over, took my hands in his and said, "I love you."


"But you don't even know me," I said, slightly alarmed.

"But I love you. You're... different."


That's me, ladies and gents. Different. Not charming or beautiful like other women, or even funny. Oh, no. I'm different. Whatever that means. Good ol' different eM, with her good ol' different personality.



Last night at impromptu New Year's party at our house, this acquaintance again, who I hadn't seen for many years told me he "really liked me."


"No you don't," I told him, "No one really likes me. They just say that to get in my pants." I'm serious here, I think I'm incapable of inspiring any strong emotion. Oh, except lust. That I inspire. But lust isn't the stuff good romantic songs are made of.


"I don't want to get into your pants," he protested, "I really, really like you. You're different."


See?


The party wasn't even supposed to be a party. At the end of two very depressing days, except one high point where I caught up with Leela and we had grand slumber party type reunion talking about the past year for both of us, the last thing I wanted to do was party. Or the only thing I wanted to do was party. It kept fluctuating. One moment I was all for crawling under my blanket and dying and the other I wanted to get smashed out of my mind and have such a good time that every single sad/morbid thought would be driven out of my mind by alcohol.


Previously mentioned old acquaintance was called round and he brought a couple of his friends and we drank and drank and drank. Small and I looked spectacular, even if I do say so myself, I was wearing my red Mango dress, with cleavage cut out almost to my stomach and Small was in a black turtleneck with a short wraparound skirt. We were both in funny high shoes, which kept us teetering delicately all evening.


A little bit after midnight, when 2006 was officially rung in, the doorbell rang and our new next-door neighbour appeared with a huge box of liquor chocolates, which added to the general intoxication. He's a little strange, our next-door neighbour and he didn't endear himself to me very much, because he upset my entire bookshelf and kept trying to walk off with The World According To Garp and Collected Poems Of Pablo Neruda and I had to keep wresting them away from him, explaining gently that I never lent books to people I had known for less than six months. "If you were in Bombay, I'd let you borrow all my books," he told me, mournfully. "That's sweet of you," I said, "But we're not in Bombay." Finally he came charging in with two of his books Shantaram and something else which he handed to me and said, "Here. These are two of my favourite books. Now can I take yours?" "No," said I and in the general confusion took my books back from him again. This morning though, when I woke up, I saw his books were still there, sitting pretty on my bookshelf. Tomorrow I shall give them back to him.


Old Acquaintance was being generally strange as well. He threw a massive tantrum when I said I thought he was sweet and all, but since I didn't really know him and he didn't really know me, perhaps making out wasn't such a good plan. "You don't like me," he said in an Irish accent, which came from god knows where. "It's not that I don't like you," I said, twisting my fingers round and round apologetically. "Then you do like me?" "It's not that simple, dude," I was practically weeping at this point, "Let it go, okay? It's complicated." It's too bad though, because we had been having a very nice conversation before the alcohol got in full flow. Then he entwined my fingers in his and because I was tired and upset and just so, so fed up with being me and being in this situation and also, yes, because I was so bloody lonely, I let him.



So, not a very happy beginning of the year for me. This morning, head pounding and mouth dry I lay in bed and thought about 2006. And I made two resolutions, one, to NEVER, EVER be emotionally dependant on anyone and to also NEVER, EVER let my guard down again and two, as far as possible to be wise and consistent in my judgements.


I'm sorry. This was supposed to be happy, party-type post, but I can't.

28 comments:

  1. Well...I hope the rest of the year goes off superly for you...One must never judge a book by its cover...or something like that I think...I'm not too sure if that line works in this context...but you know what I'm sayin'...I hope! Anyways...have a super year and all that jazz! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm a believer in happy ever afters eM. So I do hope you find your someone magical and you do feel emotionally dependently head over heels in love for ever after -its a heady feeling no amount of drugs partying booze can ever give you. Have a wonderous year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Never say never. And how can you never, ever be emotionally dependant? Which probably also means you'll let no one be emotionally dependant on you, yes?

    In any case, I hope it all works out for you and you can be cheery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cheers to *that* resolution.
    Golden mantra for 2006:
    happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy. :-))

    Wish you a year that *MAKES* you feel that way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This morning I feel decidely less bitter and much more bright eyed and bushy tailed. These hangovers, I tell you :)

    > j.a.p: while one has encountered paedophiles in the not-so-distant past, these men are my age and so, if anything we're BOTH paedophiles, except me. :)

    > wishful: thank you, thank you! never judge a book by its cover and never judge a new year by the new year's eve parteee.

    > thanu: don't tell me it's coz i'm "different" :)

    > 30in2005: well, being jaded is terrible, but this way, at least I'm safe and unhurt and all that.

    >dillettante: p'raps I should've been more specific. i meant emotionally dependant on romantic prospects, not the entire world. :)

    > heretic: oooh, I certainly hope so!

    > prufrock: :P is what I say to you. Different, indeed!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Never mind, 31st Dec or 1st Jan is just another day. Why do we become so obsessed with dates? Ok, maybe the birthday is special, or the dates something significant happened in your life – a confession, a whisper, a gift, a birth, a death, an achievement, an experience that leaves an indelible memory – but why should one be carried away by the mob in celebration frenzy on certain dates, dates that had been set by others and not you?

    By thinking you are lonely, you will get more miserable. You can’t really hope to get genuine and long lasting friends/companions by peddling misery and vulnerability. Pack your rug sack and hitchhike wherever you fancy. Remember; because you live only once, you got to follow your heart (even if that means swallowing some ego and pride at times).

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Here's to a brand new year. And to more addictive writing, from the most addictive blogger I know. :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. "I love her but she is indifferent" said the mouse

    ReplyDelete
  9. Compulsive confessor.. indeed!
    Nice confession on a new year!
    This was a Different Post ;-) indeed!

    I haven't read many of our posts though except that hyderabad ice cream post if i remember..

    And the -how you like your Men!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahh, something to bring in the blues. Maybe the 1st is just an aberration? How did the 2nd go?

    ReplyDelete
  11. "And I made two resolutions, one, to NEVER, EVER be emotionally dependant on anyone and to also NEVER, EVER let my guard down again and two, as far as possible to be wise and consistent in my judgements."

    won't happen forget about. Sorry for being so brutally morbid but been there done that (u know what i'm talking about) ask urself how man ok lets repeat for emphasis JUST HOW MANY times have u said those exact same words to urself and how many have u actually have to eat them? So how do we deal? SO WHAT!!!!! ?!!!! We are like this we are like this and guess what start lovin it! why u ask? coz sweets ur "different"! ;) atleast ur not generic, now thats a feat!

    hugs and don't worry the year will rock, sure ur going to let ur guard down, n sure as hell u are going to be emotionally dependent but the important part is that come next 31st and u will be writing another year-end post and guess what it might just be like ""And I made two resolutions, one, to NEVER, EVER be emotionally dependant on anyone and to also NEVER, EVER let my guard down again and two, as far as possible to be wise and consistent in my judgements."

    won't happen forget about. Sorry for being so brutally morbid but been there done that (u know what i'm talking about) ask urself how man ok lets repeat for emphasis JUST HOW MANY times have u said those exact same words to urself and how many have u actually have to eat them? So how do we deal? SO WHAT!!!!! ?!!!! We are like this we are like this and guess what start lovin it! why u ask? coz sweets ur "different"! ;) atleast ur not generic, now thats a feat!

    hugs and don't worry the year will rock, sure ur going to let ur guard down, n sure as hell u are going to be emotionally dependent but the important part is that come next 31st and u will be writing another post- "You were a good year. You were a fast year. You sped along at all the boring moments, at all the depressing moments, but you slowed down just about enough for me to take a breath and look back with wonder, and sometimes anger." So guess what U'LL SURVIVE IT!!!! and guess what u'll rock at being different! It's A NICE THING!!!!! So hears to being different, emotionally dependent and basically a human! Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just read my comment as it went up, i m sorry for repeating the same thing twice and for the stupid typos (cringing inwardly), my computer was going haywire so there was a lag between me typing and it actually appearing on screen.
    :)
    and i repeat - "So 'here's' to being different, emotionally dependent and basically a human! Cheers!"

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think what you're meant to do on New Years is 'drink a cup of kindness (for auld lang syne).' Its probably not too late, either. Peace,
    Raghu

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dude! You weren't kidding when you said I missed a great party.

    PS - do i know the boy in question? Promise not to tell.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I absolutively posolutely lowse you too eM dahling ! A totally non-finger twining, non-icky kinda lowse - just what the doctor ordered - in large doses for our entire, phucked up generation :)

    Here's to never again !

    ReplyDelete
  16. I dunno about all this "you are different" nonsense or all the rest of it. But you know eM, you have to ask yourself, like I asked myself recently - what exactly is it that is so wrong with me? Am I an evil person at heart? Do I enjoy doing harm to other people? Am I disgusting? Revolting?

    I think that you will find that the answer is that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are a beautiful person and that sometimes, it is the world that's fucked up.

    I know that might not be very comforting, but you can at least give yourself some piece of mind by accepting yourself for who you are (like I did - and now I'm in love with myself :-)). Somehow wallowing and being highly-self-critical seems to come naturally to many of us these days...

    But at the end of the day, you need to at least accept the compliments from a good clean heart and from somebody who finds you very attractive because you're YOU(and yes, who wouldn't mind getting into your pants).
    ;-)

    Sorry for the lecture.

    ReplyDelete
  17. em :), a lovely new year to u and well tis ok I guess .."After all, tomorrow is another day! Fiddle-dee-dee.." tk cr

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey Mysterious Acquaintance, that should be 'peace of mind', not piece of mind.

    Oh. My. Starry eyed surprise!
    Sundown to Sunrise
    Dance all night
    We gonna dance all night
    Dance all night to this DJ
    Ah sugar dance all night to this DJ

    ReplyDelete
  19. love that song.
    and that line.

    we're all in the mood for a emlody,
    and you got us feeling all right.

    ReplyDelete
  20. and when she awoke that morning, all her scars were gone, and so her remembrance of those wounds.


    *raises glass*
    to your spirit. have an awesome (drunk) year!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I dunno, maybe I'm just a completely different creature to you, but 'inspiring lust' sounds pretty damn good to me.

    Happy new year and thanks for the little email, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I seriuosly believe u need a warm hug this new year. Imagine hugged..

    Regards

    ReplyDelete
  23. Alcohol is a depressant, it really is and before people go ahead and presume that i am a a self appointed ambassador for AA (which i am not) lemme tell 'em all that Alcohol is a depressant.

    Peace Out,
    His "High"ness
    P.s- They like you coz you are different, you can loathe them coz they are all the same.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your feedback! It'll be published once I approve it. Inflammatory/abusive comments will not be posted. Please play nice.