31 May 2007
Behind my eyes
Purple-y days, these days, of summer, with hints of green and gold, at the very edges. i feel minimalist, in the way I am, the way I speak, short sentences, oh okay, is what I say. What I wear is not very different. I am flip-flop clad, skirts reaching thighs, bony shouldered, hand gesturing. Have you gained weight, a friend asks, and even though I want to smack him just a little, has he never met a woman before, I say oh maybe its my hair, oh maybe it’s what I’m wearing, oh maybe it’s the fact that I’m happy, well, happy-ish. Sometimes like last night I watch old people in bars, I see old people, still wearing cleavage, still smiling, still all whee and hurrah and I think maybe if I fold in my edges, maybe if I remember to always sit with my back straight and not stare directly into the sun and not let disappointment show in the corners of my mouth, maybe I will escape that and maybe I will be the only person to be always young. Being happy-ish is somewhat different from being happy, it’s a good feeling, don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely feeling, but at the same time, I’m aware, always, alarmingly, aware that this will end and that shortly, maybe in the not-so-distant future I shall be sad again, well, not sad, but sad-ish. I bought gerberas the other day from a woman at a traffic light and they were pink and orange and lovely, even as they did the end of the day droop and she said I could have them both, both bunches, for ten rupees, and even though I was shopping for an airconditioner and underwear and I didn’t have my car, I bought the flowers and took them with me, whispering into their petals about what I hoped they’d bring to my living room, about how I wanted to be the sort of person who bought flowers for themselves and put them up and I’d always have flowers because having flowers shows you’re the kind of person who does things like that on an impulse. Only I regretted getting those flowers soon enough, because I walked around and people stared at me and my wilting bouquet and I had to keep setting them down when I did things. And when I got home I put them into a Belgian crystal beer mug and tried to make them look pretty only the reason she had sold them to me so cheap in the first place is that they weren’t pretty, they were dying, and they died yesterday all at once petals exploding and I had to throw them away and rinse out the mug and maybe I’m not a flower person after all. Fairly soon I shall be free of encumberances of the emotional kind and free isn't the right word to use here, it implies joy at the fact that my relationship will end, that I will once more be single, because, did you think the expiry date wouldn't happen, oh, because it's happening, it's almost upon me, this is nearly done and it has been fun, I'm still having a good time, but soon we won't know each other anymore and that thought is just dismal. It makes my shoulders sag. Maybe I should have told you I was in love with you before we ended, maybe I should have kissed you that time in Delhi, maybe if I had tried harder we'd still be together and maybe I shouldn't be adding another maybe to my list, I should instead make room for none at all, I should let stars explode behind my eyelids, I should allow this to happen without fighting every single step. Do you believe in fate, in karma, do you believe everything happens for a reason, do you believe in spilling yourself over the internet, do you believe in dinosaurs, do you believe in coincidences, do you believe in compatibility and meant-to-bes, do you think everything is an accident, do you believe in god, do you believe in free will, do you believe that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, do you believe in sex for sex's sake, do you believe a man and a woman can ever be "just friends", do you believe that if you want something badly enough, it'll happen?