My latest book is The One Who Swam With The Fishes.

"A mesmerizing account of the well-known story of Matsyagandha ... and her transformation from fisherman’s daughter to Satyavati, Santanu’s royal consort and the Mother/Progenitor of the Kuru clan." - Hindustan Times

"Themes of fate, morality and power overlay a subtle and essential feminism to make this lyrical book a must-read. If this is Madhavan’s first book in the Girls from the Mahabharata series, there is much to look forward to in the months to come." - Open Magazine

"A gleeful dollop of Blytonian magic ... Reddy Madhavan is also able to tackle some fairly sensitive subjects such as identity, the love of and karmic ties with parents, adoption, the first sexual encounter, loneliness, and my favourite, feminist rage." - Scroll



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18 November 2007

We are black coffee and a strong constitution

I am sitting with my friend Kalyan in his very very posh apartment, and feeling him read this over my shoulder. We have just been playing a very drunken game of Scrabble, where ("disappointingly no dirty words came up," says Kalyan) I almost won, only I was being kind and not kicking his ass. ("LIAR!" says Kalyan, but who do you believe here?) We are drinking Chardonnay Viognier, and being as posh as befits his home, but really, we're just regular drunks. Returning from Zenzi earlier this evening, we decided we'd do Alibaug tomorrow morning, therefore the night spend as we used to say in school. Drunk blogging yet again, and we want you to interpret an email:

Hi Em,
its amazing realistic blog.....I think ur blog seems An Indian wome's Ideal dreams....good..u piked up as a pickle and touches infront of others ..tasting some freakrs whom enjoyd wth XXX,Drink & Smoke
Yesterday dim light whn sat with "vodka"..ur smells come its like"vodka with lime cordial"....I Sucked at one time.....
I dont wnt to intrdce me 2 u..would be 28 (GM)...
All GM's can tackle one GFM mind easily..BRAIN also....all BRA-INs check in or out.....
Can I ask frankly..a random survey how many GM u enjoyed tll this time?..
When I have seen touches GFM abdomen ...body moved to Oval shape....So the radius was fully rounded within that circumference....When I bet to feel me...she told "Ho....U r in Traingle..I bewildered she would ran from me....like Archimedis........she proved as my body was straight and ..."ok"....then how U felt three point touches?"....she smelt my lips laid moustache "ur two eyes on the tip of pen..I laughed too much...
I dont know y i dsturbed........can u send me ur photo and phone number if possible?
One criticse frm me...do not write too dramatically..these days u r celebrating too much behind in celebrity strength of semen.
I can't love u...
keep it up
Take care
have a Nice Semens DAy..........................in all movement..If u have any time we can play dirty dance "Darde-disco" on dance floor?

THE BIN

Kalyan, an eminent and well versed gentleman in the field of semiotics is, to put it quite bluntly, confuzzled. I'm just amused. This adds to the things that confound me, along with the fact that I can now raise my left eyebrow and that tonight at Zenzi I met a boy who looked exactly, but EXACTLY like Frodo (ie Elijah Wood). He told me he gets that about five times a day, and I really feel for him, because he is not unattractive in his Hobbit-like way.

It is now Sunday morning, and I'm rereading and editing this soberly. Always save drunk blogs as drafts is my advice to you, darlings, because you never know what you might say in a fit of fittiness. Alibaug was very fun, well, the ferry ride there was and I made many seagull jokes. ("They're very gullible creatures." "All the nice gulls love a sailor" etc) Once there, we had to look at some property for Kalyan's aunt's friend, which was somewhat boring, but after we retired for lunch, the house we were at had a pool, so we were all like, ooooh swimming, only we passed out nicely on the deckchairs and didn't wake up till the caretaker lady came out to tell us we'd miss our ferry if we didn't hurry back.

Of course, since I had slept only two hours the night before, Saturday night was a quiet affair. A friend came over, someone I hadn't seen in ages so it was nice meeting and bonding with him. Although the last couple of days I'm overcome with missing old friends, Hobo, Urvashi, Small, Diabolique, come to Bombay, I need you.

I must now go for the 50 cent press conference, which is a sentence I never expected to type, but it's true. Life is odd.

UPDATED Clearly no one's ever going to send me dirty email again: The Bin sent me another email which is as baffling as the first, but from which I get that he is quite peeved that I published the first one. I'm going to put the second one up also--and here's where I'd like to say, everything you email me, like comments, become something I might put up here. You can say 'please don't run this email' if you'd prefer I didn't, but if it's abusive and/or dirty, I might put it up anyway on a slow week. Anyhoo, here's The Bin's second email (el transalatore, you were brilliant, by the way)

From: The Bin
To: The Compulsive Confessor
Subject: stub me!!!!!

Em...Published?..
I didn;t expect from you...F*off
.I am not asking Y u did?...Ur blog..U would do whtever u wnt...
Em condiment blog tidings alrdy clicked in India..I just strted a blog inspired from u...ur opposoite Gender "Y I can't?"...Ur three tangled codiment (S-D-X).....its rocking more than RDX....All hmnbeings are semiotics thrgh life...I attrcted ur ...not slave I got mail "Teacher to a student: a=b, b=c means a=c. Give me an example. Student: I luv u - u luv your daughter - so I luv your daughter"

I just maild for my interest,but u evincely published....I more attracted by literal language..How beautiful even if u dnt so tht u says....hurt?

If u r in my town I would come to ur room,slap ur cheek....that much irritaed when I saw ur publish..U also dscussed wth Kalyan?

I like ur sentence"If u have good Breast,No one Boos"....If u meet a man with all things he cannot get eye contact..only (B-C)

I will sent personal mail like this way what I felt..If u started to publish I wouild "Delete" as u point out .

Life is odd..Hey one qestion "U dont need inheritance to keep ur heritage?..

Have good SS..

Ok..tendulaker out....bloody..Good Breathy Bed sleep

The Bin



25 comments:

  1. demit!!! why did he have to go ruin it with the darde disco at the end?!

    i have to admit im very intrigued by the following "Ho....U r in Traingle" whatever the fuck that means. i think i might get myself a customized tee.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Heh...agree with Pri re: 'dard-e-disco'

    Also, I tried interpreting this literary masterpiece, and gave up.

    Also, very, very intrigued as to what "celebrity strength of semen" is all about. Can used condoms now be framed and autographed?

    Also, this gent sounds like somebody put Syd Barrett into John Updike's head, and gave him the link to the Icanhascheezburger website :)

    Also. 50 cent!! What a way to spend your weekend. You poor dear. Woke up this morning to read an article in ToI on how "contemporary artists" like Akon and Beyonce don't (and won't)draw crowds in India like Iron Maiden does because, well, "we Indians like to live in the past". And I went, "haainn...WTF?"
    Hooray for rock n roll, I say. More Maiden, I say.

    ReplyDelete
  3. lmao!! what the hell was he trying to say???

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  4. Looks like you weren't the only one drunk blogging. :) Not only was this guy drunk, he was also on a very big dose of LSD. Do NOT throw away the email, maybe someday you'll know what it means. :D

    Nice post. Keep writing. More frequently, if possible.

    ReplyDelete
  5. A fan of Gerald Durrell I see...:)

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  6. Having been exposed to a fair amount of Pidgin English during my travels through Northern India, it would be my pleasure to translate your enigmatic message for you;

    "Dear M-
    I am an ardent admirer of your writing and I believe that it represents the aspirations of a number of Indian women. I approve of this. Especially so your boldness in writing on topics as varied as your permanent state of inebriation, public masturbation, oral sex and the consumption of alcohol and cigarettes in dimly lit environments. However, I believe that your fondness for vodka may affect your personal aroma. I should know, as I have performed fellatio in the past.
    I would prefer not to meet you in person. I am nearly 28 years of age and am of the male gender. All members of my gender are able to understand the mental machinations of the female gender quite easily. Would you mind my enquiring as to the extent of your sexual experience with the male gender?
    Recently while my hands explored a certain woman’s abdomen, she became aroused and her body grew taut. When I invited her to reciprocate, she informed me that my hands had strayed too close to her pelvis. I was surprised that she would withdraw from me at such a tender moment. I presume that the experience was novel to her and that the sudden realization of her sexuality was similar to Archimedes’ shock upon discovering the relationship between mass and density.
    However by this time I had acquired an erection, and was not inclined to bring our interaction to a halt. I enquired if she would allow me to caress her erogenous zones as I attempted to kiss her. But my odious breath and facial hair caused her to reply in the negative and compare my head to my penis. I found this strangely amusing.
    I apologize for intruding upon your privacy, but would request you, regardless, to send me a recent photograph of yourself as well as your telephone number so that I may contact you.
    I also have a small critique to offer you regarding your writing style. I ask that you refrain from melodrama. I believe that your writing is strong enough to survive without the unwarranted supplement of smut that you feel compelled to append solely for the purpose of marketable titillation.
    I am unable to profess any affection for you, but I wish you all success.
    Enjoy a day filled with debauchery. Could I request the pleasure of a dance with you? I can offer you the gratification of watching my sexually charged dance routine if you consent.”

    ReplyDelete
  7. El translatore, oh el translatore - A for effort, F for comprehension. You think you know us, but alas.

    Let me take a stab at this triangle business. The clue is right there - "ur two eyes on the tip of pen..". Basically she refers to his wee-wee and balls as a triangle (odd analogy, but whatever floats her boat).

    Oh, and that abdomen is not really her abdomen but something below the abdomen, but I'm sure you know that already.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Either what el translatore said, or, more likely...

    He's a space monkey! From space! And he likes celebrity semen! And he's coming to get us! Allll of us... The invasion has begun.

    Ok I gotta go to work.

    Sameer

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  9. el translatore!

    i am a fan. you really blew my mind with that translation. you really really did. who are you?

    johanna

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  10. hmm... seems like your tres posh pal doesn't have posh tastes... in wines atleast.

    in any case, such is the condition of our country, many wannabe oenophiles...

    c'est la vie

    aquariius

    ReplyDelete
  11. Disclaimer: Conspiracy Theory follows ..

    Mebbe he is jst a 'Smart Alex', and knew how predictable you can be when you are drunk .. knew that the letter would make it to the front page of the blog!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Confessor,
    it has been great reading your blog.
    I love the language and liberally peppered humour.
    daily online reading includes checking your blog, which I also do in between copies!
    just thought would leave a note!
    cheers,
    romila ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. At least the guy knows what he's worth and so calls himself "The Bin"!!

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  14. HA HA HA....!!! you have done well El Translatore..we'll be needing you here quite often..

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  15. the bin is an undiscovered literary genius. there is a certain terse haiku like quality in the economy of his imagery, and a complete zen koan bafflement is generated. he's a wily zen master, actually and he doesn't even know it!

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  16. hahaha i literally fell off my chair laughing. i envy thee.....this guy sounds like a deranged henry miller meeting pee wee herman in an acid filled blender.

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  17. el translatore: -10. too lucid.

    the bin: i wouldn't deign rate him. he is a genius whose time has yet to come. no one understands him in his time, like the masters before him, but his time will come. watch out heathens for the day when celebrity strength of semen wanes (dude. what. the. fuck.) and The Bin rises to spurt his talents all over the world.

    incidentally i think the Archimedes reference was about her recoiling from him so rapidly that she chose to simply run out naked. but why did she get naked? he seduced her with his mystic linguistic charms?

    the pain,
    the confusion,
    the body of a woman recoiled in to an oval.

    xoxox
    Hobo

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  18. Funny funny funny man. I gotta do something about these fits of laughter.

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  19. I think el translatore got it right, except that it's cunnilingus and not fellatio.

    chrisann may also have got it right though :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Perakath: If you suck during cunnilingus, then you suck at cunnilingus.
    -ET

    ReplyDelete

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