(And just as I wrote that, the doorbell rang, and I was given an invitation to go watch Vikram Seth speak this Friday, an author, who you might recall, I wrote a love letter to a couple of years ago, and my feelings still go on and on. See?) (This is also particularly nice, because I'm particularly broke and had consigned myself to hermitude/free activities till I'm out of the red.)
Anyway, this documentary I saw. It was all about the G Spot (and called G Spotting), debating whether it existed (Conclusion According To The Film: It does.) and how it was the best orgasm ever, you guys! I mean, said many of the women in the film, you haven't really had an orgasm unless it's from, um, deep inside of you. (Apologies for the gratuitous Third Eye Blind quotation, I feel like song lyrics are the best metaphors for these things, and so you might find them peppered through this post.) Right. So, the "salacious nature of this blog" (I forget who I'm quoting, but I'm sure it's on the internet somewhere) being such, I can fully admit to you, that I personally am not all about the G spot. I loved the bit in The Vagina Monologues where they were all "oh, let's celebrate the clitoris!" because the clitoris is a pretty fab thing. I like mine. I like mine a whole lot. If you have one, you probably like yours. But in increasing conversations with friends about our sex lives (yes, women do this. Even women in their 30s who should've outgrown it ages ago when sex stopped being a brand new shiny thing and just became something you do with someone you like. Or not. But let's not get started on dislike sex, that's a whole different post.) Sex, when sex is good, is... I actually have no words. It's like, if you've been having say, an average meal your whole life, and then someone presents you with the most delectable steak/whatever vegetarians equate with steak and you eat it and your tastebuds explode and your stomach is full in this really satisfactory manner and you're like, "OH MY GOD, I GET FOOD NOW!" That's sort of what it's like.
Where was I? Yes, discussing with girlfriends. And they all seemed to think the important thing was an orgasm from within you. Rolling in the deep, as it were. On the outside, just didn't seem to matter so much. Oh yes, it's fun, they said, dismissively, but an orgasm doesn't truly count until it's going on during the whole insert-plug-here bit of the sexing. So, I decided (with a little help), after this documentary, that I'd see if this Real Orgasm thing was a thing. I believe it makes you feel like you have to pee? And that's meant to be a good thing? News flash: it isn't. I don't find anything remotely sexy about feeling like I have a full bladder, even though another friend explained that was a Sign of Great Things. This woman on the documentary was going on and on about it, "It's like my brain does a back flip!" she said. Where was my brain back flip? Being an empowered woman of the 21st century, person who writes about sex frequently, I try and get over my hang ups when I can. It took a while, but here I am in my thirties, and I feel like things are going quite well in that area. That being said, if everyone, even people who don't feel all "my body is a wonderland" are getting this massive G spot orgasm, what is wrong with me? Am I not wired right? And being a drama queen, of course, I was all, "I feel like less of a woman!" Which is ridiculous, and if I were talking to myself as an outsider, I'd say, "Dude. If you're getting off, you're getting off." But we are so much more cruel to ourselves than we would be with a friend.
What was I to do? Keep trying, even though the sensation wasn't something I particularly cared for? Or just go with the regular orgasm, the kind I'm familiar with? Why does no one write about this? In all my years of sex and using the internet (separately. Not for p0rn. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not my thing.) I've come across precisely one article about someone's lack of an orgasm during sex and she fixed it by getting into BDSM. Which: not my thing. I found myself warning dudes, "You know, I don't come during sex." Sometimes they persevered. Sometimes they gave up and just got theirs. I liked sex, even without the ultimate goal, as it were. But then, in the movies, all these people, just like synchronised swimmers, in books, everyone seems to be gathering together and it seems like sex isn't sex until you're coming together (right now, over me. Beatles. Sorry. I warned you.)
This post doesn't really have a conclusion, as such. I'm comfortable as I am, but I'm still wondering about the other stuff. Took me ten years (hey, unvirginity anniversary!) to get here, and maybe it'll take me another ten years to reach that Holy Grail. HG Spot. Took me ten years to figure out some of the stuff I like, and a LOT of the stuff I definitely don't like, no no, why would you do that? Which is good. I was going to say something about my sexual journey unfolding and so on, but journey reminded me of the band Journey, and that reminded me of a song lyric that would be perfect here:
"Don't stop believing, hold on to the feeeeeeee-hee-ling!"