A post about sex things and not gardening or homemaking.

12 March 2012

Recently, I went to see a movie at a little French shop in Shahpur Jat called Les Parissiennes. (I might not have spelt that right, but now's when I'm going to digress and talk about how that's one of the things I love about this city--the randomness of cultural events. Even though this blog, which I came across yesterday is all about "oh, Delhi's culture isn't really culture", I respectfully disagree. Sure, the stuff that I go to is probably only available to people with a working internet connection and Facebook, this is still more than I was offered in Bombay. Or, maybe not. Bombay too is picking up over the last year, but the difference between Delhi and Bombay is, Delhi is far more accessible, in the sense that it doesn't take two hours of pre-planning what the best time to leave your house to beat the traffic is. I set out half an hour before, for most things, and I usually wind up making it on time. And there's something about being at an event so totally random, in the middle of a busy market, with Bloody Marys and bruschetta, that makes you feel very underground and hip. Similarly, with the Holi Cow festival, which is what we did for Holi this year, it was a massive, MASSIVE affair, with three stages set up with three different genres of music and a food area and bars and everything, and yes, some days I don't miss Bombay at all. (But I still love you, Bandra. Don't feel bad.))

(And just as I wrote that, the doorbell rang, and I was given an invitation to go watch Vikram Seth speak this Friday, an author, who you might recall, I wrote a love letter to a couple of years ago, and my feelings still go on and on. See?) (This is also particularly nice, because I'm particularly broke and had consigned myself to hermitude/free activities till I'm out of the red.)

Anyway, this documentary I saw. It was all about the G Spot (and called G Spotting), debating whether it existed (Conclusion According To The Film: It does.) and how it was the best orgasm ever, you guys! I mean, said many of the women in the film, you haven't really had an orgasm unless it's from, um, deep inside of you. (Apologies for the gratuitous Third Eye Blind quotation, I feel like song lyrics are the best metaphors for these things, and so you might find them peppered through this post.) Right. So, the "salacious nature of this blog" (I forget who I'm quoting, but I'm sure it's on the internet somewhere) being such, I can fully admit to you, that I personally am not all about the G spot. I loved the bit in The Vagina Monologues where they were all "oh, let's celebrate the clitoris!" because the clitoris is a pretty fab thing. I like mine. I like mine a whole lot. If you have one, you probably like yours. But in increasing conversations with friends about our sex lives (yes, women do this. Even women in their 30s who should've outgrown it ages ago when sex stopped being a brand new shiny thing and just became something you do with someone you like. Or not. But let's not get started on dislike sex, that's a whole different post.) Sex, when sex is good, is... I actually have no words. It's like, if you've been having say, an average meal your whole life, and then someone presents you with the most delectable steak/whatever vegetarians equate with steak and you eat it and your tastebuds explode and your stomach is full in this really satisfactory manner and you're like, "OH MY GOD, I GET FOOD NOW!" That's sort of what it's like.

Where was I? Yes, discussing with girlfriends. And they all seemed to think the important thing was an orgasm from within you. Rolling in the deep, as it were. On the outside, just didn't seem to matter so much. Oh yes, it's fun, they said, dismissively, but an orgasm doesn't truly count until it's going on during the whole insert-plug-here bit of the sexing. So, I decided (with a little help), after this documentary, that I'd see if this Real Orgasm thing was a thing. I believe it makes you feel like you have to pee? And that's meant to be a good thing? News flash: it isn't. I don't find anything remotely sexy about feeling like I have a full bladder, even though another friend explained that was  a Sign of Great Things. This woman on the documentary was going on and on about it, "It's like my brain does a back flip!" she said. Where was my brain back flip? Being an empowered woman of the 21st century, person who writes about sex frequently, I try and get over my hang ups when I can. It took a while, but here I am in my thirties, and I feel like things are going quite well in that area. That being said, if everyone, even people who don't feel all "my body is a wonderland" are getting this massive G spot orgasm, what is wrong with me? Am I not wired right? And being a drama queen, of course, I was all, "I feel like less of a woman!" Which is ridiculous, and if I were talking to myself as an outsider, I'd say, "Dude. If you're getting off, you're getting  off." But we are so much more cruel to ourselves than we would be with a friend.

What was I to do? Keep trying, even though the sensation wasn't something I particularly cared for? Or just go with the regular orgasm, the kind I'm familiar with? Why does no one write about this? In all my years of sex and using the internet (separately. Not for p0rn. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not my thing.) I've come across precisely one article about someone's lack of an orgasm during sex and she fixed it by getting into BDSM. Which: not my thing. I found myself warning dudes, "You know, I don't come during sex." Sometimes they persevered. Sometimes they gave up and just got theirs. I liked sex, even without the ultimate goal, as it were. But then, in the movies, all these people, just like synchronised swimmers, in books, everyone seems to be gathering together and it seems like sex isn't sex until you're coming together (right now, over me. Beatles. Sorry. I warned you.)

This post doesn't really have a conclusion, as such. I'm comfortable as I am, but I'm still wondering about the other stuff. Took me ten years (hey, unvirginity anniversary!) to get here, and maybe it'll take me another ten years to reach that Holy Grail. HG Spot. Took me ten years to figure out some of the stuff I like, and a LOT of the stuff I definitely don't like, no no, why would you do that? Which is good. I was going to say something about my sexual journey unfolding and so on, but journey reminded me of the band Journey, and that reminded me of a song lyric that would be perfect here:

"Don't stop believing, hold on to the feeeeeeee-hee-ling!"

22 confessing back:

  1. Hi,

    Your blog has been my sole source of entertainment for the past three weeks and will continue to be for the next one month or a lil more...

    Well that was abrupt, nevertheless, I am your new fan from Bangalore... I have put down my papers at my present company and I am in the notice period.... you know the time when people give you the " damn u getting to go out of here, lucky bi**h", "i am sure u have no work, look at us we are EVER BUSY( my a**), " ah!wish i cud quit too" sort of looks!!! I have to look busy and yet keep my mind sane... your blog was my resort...Also I read ur book ... its crisp and nice... ( you are here)

    Well after all the Blabber i would like to say I did try out your potato pickle (out of the book) and it turned out YUM!

    Keep doing the good work, keep entertaining us!

    Love,

    Swat

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  2. I agree that some of us don't know what makes the best orgasm, you got it right when comparing with steak. Some sex that I had during my younger years was so good, it still gives me a high though since then i have done better flesh but the passion then was something different

    One thing you need to do urgently is remove the stupid comment checker (type the two words) from below

    Pesto Sauce

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  3. Hahaha well described Mins! LOVE it!!

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  4. There is nothing to DO in Hyderabad. Nothing at all. Gah!

    Also, so when you feel like you want to pee, that's a good thing? That's a relief. I often feel like that, and then feel guilty, like thats not how its supposed to feel!

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  5. Hey Meenkshi..That's a fucking honest blog..Well, Ive started working simultaneously on my short script and novel..well m also contemplating writing a shortie on sex on air. Sex is the most gratifying aspect of our lives..
    Just finished reading Confessions of a List Maniac..amazing gud book.

    cheers
    V

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  6. The urgently needing to pee feeling is good? I am going to be so much more relaxed about that now! Thank you!

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  7. I started having sex relatively later than my friends...about 21ish...it was so exciting to just be doing it but there wasn't any "happy ending" until of course we discovered that we were ignoring my chief guest to this party!! I have the Best orgasms thanks to my clit and boyfriends awesome tricks :)
    There are no orgasms from the inside... Feels good but no orgasms for sure. Maybe at some point il feel something... But I'm not waiting for any back flips courtesy the inside...the outside is Great at it!!

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  8. Well, finally forced to stop lurking and post...since I am going through the same thing, in my thirties too....
    actually, not exactly same, as far as gspot...been there, done that...but now my boyfriend has upped the ante and wants an ejaculation...(and if you think the net has nothing great on the gspot, try googling female ejaculation!)
    So now, y'all please help....is it real, can it be done...who has first hand experience?

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  9. Re: female ejaculation aka "squirting", the documentary talked about that as well, but that's a little rarer than the G spot. Not all women have an actual physical ejaculation, but if you're managing to come during sex, it's kinda ejaculating in a sense too. Don't beat yourself up searching for it!

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  10. ps: anon1, I love "chief guest". Heh. I'm going to start referring to it as that also.

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  11. Have you seen this website called the-clitoris.com? It's very text heavy, but has covered every single question we may have ever had.

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  12. eM, what did this documentary say about squirting: fact or mostly fiction (or even worse, just susu?!)

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  13. Well, keep trying! Hopefully with someone you like. :o)

    Also, forget about those people on TV having synchronized orgasms. Let's not kid ourselves; they're all faking it. One of my favourite TED talks I came across is "Make Love Not Porn" - http://blog.ted.com/2009/12/02/cindy_gallop_ma/

    That woman is so spot on!

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  14. Squirting definitely exists. First-hand experience. Use a dildo, with very fast in-out motion lol. It doesn't feel as amazing as you might think though ... somewhere between orgasm and peeing. It's no projectile liquid coming out either, it sort of just comes out. Once you know how to do it, it's pretty easy. Quite hard or nearly impossible during sex, though.

    I'm posting this anonymously for obvious reasons, sorry ladies! :o))

    Oh and P.S. do it in the bathroom where you can clean up easily afterwards. :o))

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  15. You totally ruined the song for me ... "Dont stop believing" is my fav song .. :D ..

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  16. Just a thought :) It seems that you do come from sex, based on what you’ve said, just not from intercourse per se. Widening your personal definition of what sex is, to include all the activities that do get you off, might take the pressure off re: coming during intercourse.

    Mileage may vary, but that “deep inside of you” orgasm sometimes tends to happen when you aren’t really expecting it. ;)

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  17. Posting anonymously for obvious reasons too but I had to share. For me discovering the gspot was like discovering sex all over again. Gspot orgasms are another level compared to clitorial ones. But apparently not all women have the gspot in an easily accessible spot (hence the controversy).
    A book I read about sex that was very intersting was "Bonk" by Mary Roach. Quite interesting and funny too. I think you'll enjoy it if you haven't read it. Also covers gspot

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  18. I looooveee your blog...i've been reading it for ages. At times it felt like I have done same things. You just make them sound much cooler.I have wondered the same thing about the gspot. Sometimes I feel like I dont have one.But I am familiar with the peeing sensation. But the clit always rocks my world...!!

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  19. You have no IDEA how much I get what you are saying! :) and thanks for saying it.. it's so tremendously satisfying to know you are not the only one! :D

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  20. Squirting does exist and it is not impossible during the act of making love. Someone also said its not pleasant, nice ? Not sure why my wife would likes it then ... She says its addictive ... Got to be good then ... And also, its projectile ... :-)

    Regrets for posting anonymous.

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  21. The clit vs the g-spot: think of taking a ride down the river on a sailing boat in sensational weather, and white-water rafting in the rapids. Both have their charms. With the g-spot orgasm, the peeing sensation goes away once women get used to squirting, but there's a sense of pressure building up, a nice, rising head of steam, and then when the dam bursts--yeah, it's intense. And intensely pleasurable.

    Women shouldn't feel under pressure to have a particular kind of orgasm, whether that's clitoral, vaginal or g-spot. And it can take a *lot* of time to figure out g-spot orgasms--many women start with a small, almost accidental experience of squirting, and build up over months, even a year or so, to more intense orgasms. The upside: it really is intense, and it can be empowering to realise how deeply rooted the clitoris is inside your body. It's not just a tiny button attached to nothing--it's like the whole damn power switch. The downside: you'll need a lot of towels if you become comfortable with ejaculating, and g-spot orgasms are tiring. Many women need to sleep for at least an hour or two after they have one. Quickie sex it ain't.

    After ten years of non-g-spot sex followed by three years of happy g-spot discoveries: it's not that clitoral sex is worse or better than g-spot sex. The g-spot is more intense, a "hard" orgasm; the other feels softer, more diffuse and is subtly pleasurable. It's totally worth exploring the g-spot--vibrators are more useful than partners, unless your partner is very experienced in this area--but if you don't find it, big deal. You're having a great sex life anyway.

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  22. Btw, this is beautiful--an MRI-generated picture of the clit. It's so much more than a small nub of flesh; look at how deeply it's rooted in the body.

    http://loosegarments.com/2012/01/21/the-clit-tip-of-the-iceberg/

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