What I'm Reading: Link List #1

(This is the first of a new series I'm starting where I'm going to link to stories I read (and sometimes stories I write) on the internet.)

1) It's a pretty crap deal to have Prader-Willi syndrome, a disease that basically never lets you feel full, and sufferers can eat so much they RUPTURE THEIR OWN STOMACHS.  

In 2004, Peter and Gayle Girard held their annual Christmas Eve party for family members at their home in Orlando, Fla. Before dinner, they set out chips, vegetables and dip, shrimp, a bowl of punch and sodas. Their 17-year-old son, Jeremy, had Prader-­Willi, and they often hosted events at their home so he could join in while they kept an eye on him — as they believed they were doing that night. But the next morning, Jeremy’s belly was distended, and he complained of pain. At the emergency room, doctors pumped his stomach, but his condition worsened. A day passed before surgeons discovered that his stomach, which had been distended long enough to lose blood flow and become septic, had ruptured. Jeremy died that night.

2)  Everyone knows if you say "hey" instead of "heyyyy" you're kinda angry at the person you're talking to. Is The Innanet Ruining Teh English Language??? 

Language is shaped by the medium it has to move through, and today "the internet is no longer this special place you go to," Baron points out, "It's where we live our lives, for better or worse." As the technology matures, so does the online language we use to express ourselves.

3)  GAH HATE EMAILS LIKE THIS ONE.

Being accepted to our program means that a writer’s content has the opportunity to improve our site metrics instantly. We understand how important it is to our business model to expand our online presence by publishing an obscene number of posts to compete with numerous outlets that waste money on editors, like Jezebel. We hope that Listicle can become like one of those outlets, only more profitable because we’ll never pay anyone!

4)  I wrote this; but is still pretty good and worth a read if you want something about books and long distance and feelings. *smiley face* An Open Letter From India To the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I have a dragon tattoo too, by the way. It represents a folly of youth, a small curled up dragon ‒ like a seahorse with wings ‒ sits on my left hip. At the time it was supposed to be my totem, my fire and brimstone amulet, my ward against evil. As time went by though, I forgot about it, except maybe when I caught sight of it in a shower or something, then I’d think, “Oh yeah, I have a tattoo.”

5) Urgh, even the Jaipur Lit Fest (which is ongoing, and no, I didn't attend this year) is becoming super politicised. 

It is possible that Malhotra does not endorse what Tariyal has done, in which case it would be good to hear him publicly say so at Jaipur. Perhaps “serious intellectuals” would like to ask him about his stance on books whose content he opposes. Does he support banning them? Does he support legal action against books, based on laws that impinge on the freedom of expression and free debate? Does he endorse the kind of objections Batra had to Doniger’s book—including objecting to the naked Gopis shown with Krishna on the cover—even though such depictions have been a staple of Indian art?

What interesting stories have you read this week? Leave 'em in the comments!

My suggestions for Obama's India hashtag - #LOTUSPOTUS - #Obamatrubhoomi - #Indobama - #BharatObama - #YesWeCancelledAgra - #Droneacharya
— Rohan (@mojorojo) January 24, 2015

The Great Indian Rail Yatra Part One: Varanasi (SUPER LONG PHOTO ESSAY!)

This December, the Good Thing and I decided to go on an "adventurous" winter vacation. We would take a train across North India, see a few sights, and then catch a train from Jhansi all the way to Goa. We--well, I--called this our Great Indian Rail Yatra. It was going to be EPIC.  We booked all our journeys about two months in advance, but nothing was confirmed by the time we were ready to go. Probably a good thing, because at the last minute, we ditched our Goa plans to go off to Gulmarg and learn how to ski (but that is a story for another post.)

Our journey was still somewhat epic, but in the totally miserable, everyone is stuck on a train for a thousand hours variety. Here, for your viewing pleasure, photos! And please don't travel by train in North India in the foggy months. We learned that the hard way.

Benares.

We stayed at the Holy Ganges View, which we thought was the same as the Ganges View, which is very posh and much more expensive. However, despite being a budget hotel, the Holy Ganges View is clean, warm, and fairly centrally located.

I got my coffee fix at the Open Hand Cafe and the identical menu rip-off Mark Cafe opposite.

Pretty good firang type meals all over Assi Ghaat, but also had great street food just by stopping anywhere there was a kadhai and a throng of people. 

 

So, we've lost a day in Benares thanks to the late train, and as soon as we wake up the next day, we make our way to a sign that says, "Green Lassi" and get ourselves very mildly baked. After this, we are, of course, HIGHLY suggestible, so when a man attaches himself to us, we don't even have the wherewithal to shoo him away. Instead, he hounds us into a sari shop where I almost spend three grand on a synthetic sari which was very ugly in retrospect, and then, to up his guide chops, takes us to some random temple, not even famous or anything, where there is this cement skull, which we spend some time giggling over. Bhaang is fun.

 

The highlight of this trip was meeting this baby goat. I asked the man who had her what her name was and he said, "Chanchan" and everyone laughed and the Good Thing and I have been checking out baby goats so we can have one at home also called Chanchan. (Note: this has not stopped me from eating mutton. Mutton and Chanchan are two different things.) Can goats be litter trained?

 

So this dude took us to a chaat place, but mostly because I said, "I want to go to a chaat place." (He's also been calling the Good Thing ever since, but I think that's because he thinks we're reliable suckers.) 

 

Walking through the alleys of Benares. My stoned-ness had worn off by this point, so I felt a lot less loving.

 

More alleys. At this point I'm like, "LALALALACOLDNOW CAN WE GO HOME." But we can't go home, because we're taking a boat ride, dammit! As one does in Benares.

The Good Thing was totally Puppy Baba, if such a Baba existed. All the little strays flocked to him. My heart broke in teeny tiny pieces.

More lanes and colour and shit. India! Colour!

 

Here's the mighty Ganga, looking deceptively unfoggy, but HOLY SHITBALLS WAS IT COLD 

 

Guide/hanger on on left with Boat Mafia Guy on right negotiating prices. Want to guess how much over market price we paid? BENARES YOUR LASSIS ARE PART OF THE SCAM.

 

Row row row your boat gently down the STREAM OF DEATH.

Whee! Ghats! 

 

 

Whee! Tanks!

 

Whee! Cremations! (Another dude got into the boat to ask for money at this point. I managed to shoo him away.) (UGH THE WORST PART ABOUT TRAVELLING IN TOURIST TOWN INDIA IS EVERYONE ASKING FOR MONEY ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Normally, I am saved because brown = cheap, but the Good Thing-and-Me combination must've broken all those rules.) 

Sunset aartis were not ruined by all the touts, however.
 

 

Also, I liked the carvings and shit. This is the next day. We went for a long walk and I found my lost temper and was happy for it.

 

But obviously the puppies won the day.

 
Old school windows are every amateur photographer's dream.

 

Boys playing pithoo around an old temple.

And back to the station! Merry Christmas, all! This is how we spent it--in deep despairing fog.

The Top Seven Dudes I'd Most Like To Bang In Literary History

HAWT FOR DISABILITY AND LOOKING AFTER DUDES BUT REALLY HAVE YOU READ JANE EYRE IT IS A FEMINIST MANI-FUCKING-FESTO OF THIS ORPHAN GIRL WHO BASICALLY CONQUERS THE WHOLE DAMN PLANET AND HARRY POTTER AT LEAST HAD A WAND TO DO IT WITH, JANE HAD NOTHING, NOT EVEN A BEAUTIFUL FACE AND SUCK IT, WORLD.

  
   Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre: Mr Rochester had everything going for him to keep a reader hooked from beginning to end. From his mad wife in the attic (spoiler!) to his love for plain Jane, to the tragic way he goes blind at the end, I’d love to walk about the moors with him—in more ways than one.

Favourite line: I offer you my hand, my heart. Jane, I ask you to pass through life at my side. You are my equal and my likeness. Will you marry me? 

       HELLO FORMER DOUCHEBAG TURNED GOOD BASICALLY THIS IS A DELHI MAN. FITZWILLIAM DARCY IS ALL SORTS OF INFURIATING BUT YOU LIKE TO THINK THEY MADE A GOOD MARRIAGE AND SETTLED DOWN AND SHE DIDN'T TAKE MUCH SHIT FROM HIM

Mr Darcy, Pride And Prejudice: Mr Darcy, Mr Darcy. Whether it’s Colin Firth playing him as the moody, sullen man who comes around because of TRUE LOVE, or just your imagination filling in the blanks, who could deny this love story about a rich but proud man and a poor but smart woman and everything that happened in between? 

Favourite line: "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." 

I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY. BUT ALSO IF YOU WERE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO LOVED HOLDEN GROWING UP YOU'D BE A CERTAIN KIND OF ADULT NOW WHICH MEANS YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS AND EVERYONE IS A PHONY 

Holden Caulfield, The Catcher In The Rye: Holden was more of a teenage romance, the boy you gazed at in class, the boy who you wanted to comfort and reassure that the world wasn’t terrible. He tries to run away with a girl he knows, but she rejects him. You wouldn’t, would you?

Favourite line: “I was half in love with her by the time we sat down.  That's the thing about girls.  Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.  Girls.  Jesus Christ.  They can drive you crazy.  They really can.”

    EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN WHO TELLS HER WHAT TO DO IN AN AUTHORITATIVE FASHION AND CLAIMS TO LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS ONLY TO INSIST SHE CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HERSELF WHEN SHE MARRIES HIM

    Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind: This swoony Southern novel has everything you need for a good, old fashioned drama. Not least of all, the tale of Rhett Butler, who loved Scarlett O’Hara, who was foolish enough to spend her life pining for a wimpy man married to her best friend. Sounds like a high school romance? Most of this book is, except set during the Civil War times.

 Favourite line: “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

OMG THE BOY NEXT DOOR AND AMY MARCH IS A BOYFRIEND-STEALING HARLOT 

Laurie, Little Women: Is there anyone on this great, big planet who wasn’t disappointed when Jo March went for an old German professor as opposed to Laurie,  her lively best friend from next door? And then Laurie went and married Jo’s sister, Amy, which was complete and utter betrayal. Regardless, some of Laurie and Amy’s romancing was quite sweet, even if she did steal her sister’s boyfriend. (I never liked Amy.)

Favourite line: “ Someday you’ll find a man, a good man, and you’ll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I’ll be hanged if I stand by and watch.”

 
AND OF COURSE YOU'VE GOTTA MARRY YOUR BFF, JO MARCH. LOOK HOW NICELY ANNE DID IT. EVEN THOUGH JESUS H CHRIST, GILBERT, SLAP ON A CONDOM ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU ARE A DOCTOR AND SEVEN CHILDREN IS QUITE A LOT


Gilbert Blythe, Anne of The Island: Gilbert Blythe doesn’t get the best introduction, as he meets our heroine by calling her names for her red hair. But over the years—and the books—he redeems himself, even when she claims to be in love with someone else. The two truly have a happy ever after, with lots of children and grandchildren. 

 

Favourite line: “I have a dream,” he said slowly. “I persist in dreaming it, although it has often seemed to me that it could never come true. I dream of a home with a hearth-fire in it, a cat and dog, the footsteps of friends – and you!”

EVERYONE HAS DADDY ISSUES. ALSO I'M IN MY THIRTIES NOW. I'M ATTICUS'S AGE. THAT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY DAMN ANCIENT BUT ALSO LESS CREEPY FOR THINKING THAT HE SOUNDS QUITE HOT.  ALSO HI GREGORY PECK YOU HANDSOME DEVIL YOU.

Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird: Atticus Finch had no great romance in this classic book about America’s South, but didn’t he just seem like the best person ever? Sure, you’d have to put up with his two kids, but they seemed nice, and he was just so awesome with his progressive thinking and his amazing lawyering.  Move over, Harvey Whatsyourname.

Favourite line: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

(A version of this appeared in Popxo.com)

eM's list of supereasy New Year's Resolutions

It’s the beginning of the New Year, all the parties are winding down, it’s cold outside (if you live in the North) and it’s about the time when I become an unseasonable grump. My head hurts from too many late nights, my bank balance dips from travelling and eating out and all that nonsense and worst of all, I am always constantly cold so unless I snuggle up to the room heater all day, I remain a shivering mess. However, there are a few nice things to be said about a New Year. Possibilities. Ideas. A sense of blank pages and what will the future hold? Technically you could feel this way any time of the year, even May 5 if you felt like it, because the future will always be somewhat mysterious whether you’re an astrologer or a stock trader.

But no one cares about resolutions at any other time except the first week of the month, so I decided to draw up a few general—let’s call them—guidelines, to get us through 2015, this cold snap and to pleasanter weather ahead.

Resolution One: I will not click on any link that looks like it’s going to anger me because of the stupidity of the author.  This morning I saw a story titled “How my marriage went wrong” and began with a woman saying, “Yes, my husband cheated on me, but I could have been a better wife.” I felt my blood pressure start to rise as I almost clicked on it, and then thought better of it. Why engage with trolls and morons this year? Stay above and out of the fray and you’ll be a better person for it.

Resolution Two: I will change the things I can. Okay, so this resolution and the next is somewhat borrowed from the Serenity Prayer that Alcoholics Anonymous uses, but it’s so relevant even for the rest of us. See someone spitting on the road? Instead of crinkling up your nose and walking by, make a stink about it. Think that your boss is taking you for granted? You’re never going to get anywhere by being silent about it. Speak up, speak more this year. Even if it IS to tell your friend that you don't care for her boyfriend. (NB: Don't do this if they're getting married, because you will then be cast in Bitch From Hell role and blamed for their marital problems.)

Resolution Three: I will be patient about the things I cannot change. Traffic jams, bill payments, the state of the country, there are some things you just cannot influence no matter how hard you want to. Again, don’t waste your breath getting angry. Take a chill pill (or a Xanax), relax and let someone else deal.

Resolution Four: I will say “no” more often. Granted, this is more often a problem for women than men, because we’ve been nicely socialised our whole lives to be useful and good and what not, but it’s an important one. Learning to say no is the same as learning to let go—you’ll have a sense of freedom, and once you get past your own mental mindblocks (“How can I tell my twelve-year-old son to make his own sandwich? He’ll think I don’t love him anymore.”) you’ll be much prouder of yourself and feel like a new person.

Resolution Five: I will be kind. Seriously people. We need more kindness. We need a world where everything is not driven by you-did-this-to-me-so-now-I’ll-do-this-to-you. We need a world where you do something nice for someone else just because, and not because of any ulterior motives. Be nice. Be kind. It doesn’t have to be a random act for a stranger either. I’m sure there’s someone you know—a friend, a family member—who could do with a little love right now. Extend your hand, and you’ll be surprised who reaches out to take it.

Resolution Six: I will be informed. This obviously doesn’t apply to you, dear reader, because you’re probably already reading this in a newspaper, but so many of us are shockingly unaware of things that are going on in this world. I propose a daily new thing, where you inform yourself about one current affair going on in the globe that you normally wouldn’t know about. By the end of the year, voila! You’re the most educated person you know.

Resolution Seven: I will have a sense of humour. Maybe this doesn’t need to be a resolution, but it still bears repeating. Let’s look on the funny side of life. We need to laugh more and often. We need to stop being offended and start being amused. Life is funnier, and sadder, and more manic than you think—but you only get one, and you only get one 2015, so to quote the poem by Mary Oliver:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?”

(A version of this ran as my Civil Society column for Financial Chronicle.)