(With due apology to Junot Diaz)
First, take a man you’ve known for a while:
any sort of man, and add intimacy worn thin from a few months or years or
weeks, whatever it takes for all that is shiny to become dull. The dullness
should resemble the gold around the edges of your grandmother’s sari — bright
when she was a teenage bride — worn to skinny threads from years of
This man should be the kind of man you
wanted a few months ago (let’s say six) and now no longer do; this man should
be the sort of man who is impossible to get rid of, because each time you try,
he gazes at you with forlorn eyes, he sends you message upon message, and it’s
sad, almost pathetic, because with every attempt he makes to ingratiate himself
with you, it’s like he’s putting a noose of neediness around your throat.
“Be honest,” say your friends, and so you
“I’m sorry, this isn’t working out.”
And he bursts into great, noisy tears, or
if he’s a macho man, a relic of a time gone by, he’ll call you a bitch or a
cunt. Delhi men love to toss around the “b” word liberally; just smile and
think of your pet Labrador, a ten-year-old bitch, with the sweetest disposition
of any dog you know.
Honesty is really the best policy because
it will drive home your point, and sure, you’ll get name-called for a while,
but likely, as soon he leaves you, he’ll call his friends and get very drunk
and you’ll never hear from him again except in a drunk dial.
Perhaps you’re more of the blushing flower
type. You hate conflict, any bad blood makes your stomach tie up in twisty
little knots harder to get rid of than the airport zip tie on your suitcase.
Ghost it. Vanish quietly from his life,
making yourself scarcer and scarcer until he’s not sure whether you ever really
existed. He will message you incessantly, he will call till you wonder how many
missed calls your phone can even register. He will appear at your work, at your
He might be thick-skinned, like the Greater
One Horned Rhinoceros, but sadly, unlike that species, his type isn’t extinct.
Far from it. You’ll have to ghost till you wonder whether you had a
relationship at all, so far have you run from it.
It is imperative to make sure all versions
of you have also vanished: and this includes your social media. That means
compulsive tweeters will have to keep their thoughts to themselves,
Instagrammers will have to deal with all that food and no one to see it, and
Facebookers will have to do that dreaded status update: “Taking a break from
Facebook for a while!”
You haven’t had any fun in a while (you
poor thing.) Maybe there’s a way to make this enjoyable for you. Take
inspiration from two of history’s greatest divas: Scarlett O’Hara and Lindsay
Lohan. You’ll teeter totter between the two like you’re wearing seventeen-inch
heels on a slippery ramp, with tape stuck over your nipples.
As Scarlett, you bat your eyelashes at
everybody and nobody goes free, not even your best friend’s husband. You laugh
a lot, and toss your hair, and stomp all over his feelings. Perhaps in the same
seventeen-inch heels. “Why didn’t you call me back yesterday?” he might ask,
and you say, “Did you call me yesterday? Oh, silly me, I must have forgot.”
Perhaps as Scarlett, you’ll even want to keep him around for a bit, another
adoring lapdog for your brood.
As Lindsay Lohan, there are no lines for
you to cross: unless it’s a line of cocaine. You dance on table tops at fancy
bars, every night, there’s a Uber cab calling you for directions and you “simply
don’t have any time, darling, maybe we can meet next week.” He might leave you for a more domestic model,
a Maruti to your Mini Cooper, but he might also be so excited by your new wild
self that he’ll never leave. And you’ll wonder as you carry your heels in one
hand climbing up the stairs: how long can
I keep this up?
A caveat: don’t get arrested, don’t drive
drunk, and try and not do any drugs.
(Wrote this originally for POPxo, a while ago.)
Lucky you.:-) You got to be on the other side.Please write a post on how to get over 'him' too.:-(ReplyDelete
Loved the words you have chosen in the first paragraph, especially the analogy of the grandmother's sari and the 'noose of neediness'. Wish I could write like that! Simply beautiful :)ReplyDelete
You have become such a sculptor of words! I admire it (and use dictionary :-D)ReplyDelete
One horned rhinos have not become extinct. They are still found in Assam. Many political battles have been won and lost around the issue of preservation of one horned rhino in Assam.ReplyDelete