9 October 2005

Let's Talk About Sex

If you're going to indulge in carnal activities, I think, there are three things you should know.

a) Sex always, invariably, at some level or another, screws things up.
b) Sex in real life never lives up to the picture you had in your head. It can't.
c) It's better to have sex with someone you like as a person as opposed to someone you fancy the pants off but don't know the first thing about them. Trust me on this one. It holds the key to waking up the next morning feeling like shit.

But you're going to have sex anyway. Of course. What else were we built for if not to copulate? It's all good baby. Calm yourself and remember these things about the boys.

1)If you can smell him, don't screw him. (Caveat: by `smell' I mean body odour of any sort, like sweat. Even if it's clean sweat, gross. It's called deodarant. Use it. Not if he smells subtly sexy of some gorgeous cologne. Go with the cologne-smelling guy. He just shaved for this party)


2) Figure out very early on if you're a boxers or briefs person. It may sound like no big deal, but trust me you don't want to realise you have a phobia when the guy's stripped down to his chaddis.



3) You can tell a lot about his *ahem* other talents by the way he kisses. It's not that hard to guess. Use the rule of tongue judgment. ;)


4) Some things will NOT make for an effective session. Are you quiet and is he noisy in bed? Does he hate the post coital cigarette? Does he wear polyester socks with an argyle pattern which he rolls up and puts into his shoes? NOOOOOOOOOO. Don't sleep with him.


5) When setting the scene and when you're going out for dinner, choose pizza. Not tandoori chicken, not seekh kebab rolls. Even if you're okay and minty fresh, ew, imagine having Onion Breath murmuring sweet nothings into your ears.


6) Don't use up all your best moves in one go.You need a trump card. You'll know it's effective if you get sharp indrawn breath (if he's a quiet person) or 'Oh baby' (if he's the type who talks.


7) Own your own body. Then own his.


8) Know that this could end in an hour. He could just put on his shoes and leave and never call you. Be okay with having to look in the mirror the next morning and feeling like a slut.You're not.


There, I think that's about all I can think of for now. Boys, separate list for you later :)
Time to get ready for my housewarming party! Woo-hoo!

34 comments:

  1. eM, I agree with all of your second set of instructions. But with regard to the first set, hmm..I don't think I've ever seen any evidence of their validity in my life.

    1) Sex doesn't screw things up, ambivalence about sex does.
    2)I have modest fantasies. The sex is always spectacular.
    3)Better in what way? I think the sex can be just as good.

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  2. my cousin married a snorer. i SOOO know what you mean (i'm the family agony aunt, see)

    my word verification is yhint. subtle message there, i think. just don't ask me what :D

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  3. "Rule of tongue"... intriguing, but what is it?

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  4. Loved 7 and 8. Pretty good list on the whole too. :)

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  5. thalassa: Heh. You're clearly on the right track :) I wish I had such clarity of thought when it comes to these matters too! :)


    samit: Just to remind myself of things before I got very drunk... :)

    sandeep: *appreciated*

    rimi: Y hint indeed? Just go for it!

    anony mess: Ah the good ol' rule of tongue. Can't be explained, only experienced :)

    laura: Thank you, thank you. We aim to please :)

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  6. "Carry Bradshaw knows good sex!"

    All in all, a very Interesting read...
    TTA

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  7. hey, turning into a cosmo are we? or, i'm sorry, amore intelligent and humorous cosmo ;)

    you've been tagged for another silly meme, btw.

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  8. I respectively disagree with a and b.

    I wanna see pictures of the new place PLEEZE.

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  9. Wowie!! which side of whose bed did you get off?! Pun intended!! (is that a pun?) anyway!

    Cheers
    looking forward to the blokes list...

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  10. eM--if girls followed your "rule of tongue" advice, this cousin of yours would never get laid. I've been told about a hundred times what a miserably amateur kisser I am. (I can't help it, I hate the taste of other people's dinner/tobacco, so I do a few quick scouting manouevers and move south for the winter as soon as possible).

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  11. Thats succint! :) waiting for the HIS list

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  12. Damn... you should've posted this list earlier. Thanks for the tips (for "her", but actually for "him") Cologne, fingerplay, and highpitched talk is mostly me. Thanks again! :-))

    Can't wait for the His list.

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  13. U rock, sista!I completely agree with #8. I've been spinning my own fables on men ETC! Would love to know what YOU think of those ;)

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  14. the next post should be on the kind of e-mails you've received in response to this blog :-)

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  15. wud be waiting for the list for guys,,and just wished if all girls were this smart and cool abt sex like u..

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  16. activity: I love Carrie Bradshaw :)

    teleute: Aw.. shucks. Twas nothing really. *modest blush*

    methinks: Noooo, noooo, not another meme! :) Shall look at it though, thanks.

    lalit: Shoulds be up soon as my laptop stops acting weird.

    mint: Hmph. What do you married types know? And ya, pics I shall mail you privately to protect identities :)

    tama: Many months of celibacy have given me sadhu status.

    horsey: Well, i am a FABULOUS kisser, so it clearly doesn't run in the family, she says with modest pride. But, you should always carry a supply of mint, pop one and offer he the other. No tobacco OR dinner tastes then!

    jaygee: Soon, soon!

    heretic: Ooooh. Perhaps YOU should give the tips instead!

    vijeyta; Thank you, thank you! New commentors, ahoy!

    ankz: I'm sure they are, you probably jus haven't met the right type! :)

    primal: Aw, c'mon,. With a name liek Primalsoup you mean to say you don't know these things already? ;)

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  17. I thought this was after the party, so spent the post wondering... who.. when..

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  18. Even more encouraging than the sharp intake of breath or the 'Oh baby' is the 'Stop that or I'm gonna cum' groan.

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  19. i thoroughly disagree on the cologne issue!

    a full dose of the matching pheromones is worth a hole lot more then the latest whiff of a perfume every 2nd guy u meet in the high street wears.

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  20. Good One...
    Be Glad you're not in Chennai and Be glad Ramdoss and his Goons (PMK)(Tamil Protection Group)(SHIT etc) won't be knocking on your doors;)

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  21. this is HILARIOUS! :) i especially sympathise with the boxer/briefs quandary, BUT what's one to do?! it's the person, not the choice of underclothing, that we're drawn to! :)

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  22. i ADORE this list. thank you for coming up with it because some of the things here--i really need to be fucking told over and over again. and again. and again.

    and i'm sorry, folks, i have to agree...sex DOES invariably screw things up...for me. but this is tricky b/c my "a" and "c" are all tangled up with each other...if i happen to actually like the person in question as a human being, then it's such a shame that sex can totally end ALL the brilliant conversations we had before there was sex...conversations he was probably only engaging in to get into my pants anyway...still.

    a vibrating leg is also another clue that whatever you happen to be down there doing is going well;)

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  23. Bootylicious I say, bootylicious!

    Yes, you can tell a lot by the way a man touches/kisses you. A LOT!

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  24. Em-

    This is a great blog. I enjoy reading it almost as much as I enjoy posting on my own.
    Piece Out.

    -WP

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  25. "Know that this could end in an hour. He could just put on his shoes and leave and never call you. Be okay with having to look in the mirror the next morning and feeling like a slut.You're not."

    *sigh*

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  26. ooo spoken like a true older sister..
    i love your blog..teach me more..

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  27. I wish someone had told me this earlier. Much earlier.

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  28. Even then,y do gals always hesitate when it comes to the ''takin off panties'' stage??

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