10 April 2008

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap, clap)

Man, you think I would've realised when I have PMS by now.

I'm not dying.

I haven't suddenly contracted hermititis, a rare disease that makes you want to stay at home and draw the curtains and snap at people who call you.

I'm not in depression. (Although in a vague Slyvia Plath Bell Jar kind of way I wanted to be all melancholy and slit my wrists in the bathtub)

AND, best of all, I'm not ageing before my time either.

Damn hormones.

The most exciting things that have happened to me recently are buying a brand new deodorant (*gasp* I KNOW! I like to live dangerously) and the proofs! The proofs are here!

(eM's proofs poem:
The proofs are here!
Let's give a cheer!
And smile, happily,
from ear to ear.

Um... I write prose, in case you haven't already guessed.)

The new deodorant is actually quite exciting because it's Nivea and the most popular girl in my class in the seventh used to wear Nivea and every time I smelt it I thought of her and now, yes, I smell of popularity. I'm aware that I'm a loser.

But that's not my fault. There are no cute boys in Bombay. The person I was dating briefly, dates five and six and seven, if you recall, well, that didn't happen. Not for anything I had done or he had done but just coz we weren't feeling it, I guess. And there are now no cute boys in Bombay. Or Delhi, because you know, I've TRIED Delhi. Maybe they're hiding in the small towns.

Instead, I'm learning to cook. I'm like the QUEEN of instant food in my house. Maggi? I innovate by adding cheese and chilli garlic sauce and sometimes, when I'm feeling wild, chopped up green chilli. I know how to make a kick-ass South Indian dahi-chaawal, just like my mother's. I can also make a decent omelette and further on to that, a decent omelette sandwich, which tastes awesome at three in the morning. BUT, I haven't told you the worst of it.

I'm addicted to aloo bhujia. The Haldiram's kind. And okay, that's not so bad. But I CANNOT eat this aloo bhujia unless I add to it a) lots of lemon b) rock salt and c) red chilli powder. I've tried eating it without the above, or just minusing one and I can't. It's terrible. I eat it all day, sometimes as a substitute for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And we've been out of lemon for the last two days and I'm ready to climb the walls. This may also be the reason for recent sundry weight gainage in sundry areas. I'm like a crack whore, except with a salted snack. A snack whore! See, that even rhymes and is all cute in a Cookie Monster-esque kind of way instead of images of Amy Winehouse that the words 'crack whore' instantly project inside my head. (Okay, she might not be on crack. But she looks scary enough in the photos on Smoking Gun.)

I just realised on a completely different tangent that at the angle I am sitting, if I look down I cannot see my stomach at all. Man, I have big boobs. (NOTE: This is NOT an invitation for dirty comments or email) So, you know how when you're 12 or 13 and one morning you wake up and look down and are all like, "Hel-lo ladies"? Well, that happened to me and like, six months ago. Suddenly I have had a growth spurt in the chest area and don't get me wrong, I'm not being like arrogant or anything, but I had a perfectly adequate chest before that. I'd like a little attention on the ass, to tell the truth, if the universe is doling out growth spurts. I look like Pippi Longstocking waist down. ANYhoo, since I'm a small person, I now look like I could fall over on my back at any time due to extra weight. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but still. My clothes aren't buttoning up properly and this is annoying me.

Wow, I just talked about my boobs on the internet. I feel like my old self again. Awesome.

EDITED TO ADD: Also, I was wondering what you guys would think if I added on a little advice feature to this blog--either as a post once a week or as a different URL. I get quite a bit of mail asking for advice, so all I have to do is reply to it and post it (anonymously, of course. I won't *ever* print your name or email address unless you're being completely assholic, and even then sometimes I think twice.) Let me know in the comments, or send me your questions (with 'I need help!' in the subject line to thecompulsiveconfessorATgmailDOTcom). If there's enough of a response, maybe an Ask Aunty eM blog, eh?

39 comments:

  1. south indian dahi-chaawal? that's hilarious. we call it thaiyir saadam and it's possibly the yummiest thing ever.

    speakin of sudden growth in boobage, same thing happened to me. in the last six months they'se suddenly gotten bigger. i used to have really small ones and now i actully look good in a t-shirt. how did it happen? I just weighed myself and found to my horror that i gained ten yes TEN pounds. ugh.
    going to die now.

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  2. Since you spoke about maggi -

    option 1: Add grated beet to it while making it and top it with grated cheese. Comes out all red and rather nice. Tastes much better than it sounds.

    option 2: Leave some water in the maggi and sprinkle Jaljeera powder on top. Awesome.

    also, would really appreciate it if you could reply to the email/orkut msg I sent you earlier.


    V

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  3. im nt happy nd im nt clapping my hands.......

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  4. yeah- I totally wonder where all the cute boys are!! lemme know if you discover the hiding place. I think a revolution is on it's way.
    and as for fav food-I hav been feeding on chicken curry and tortillas (that substitute chappatis for d moment) for like the past 6 months and oh!I eat and watch greys anatomy each time feeling more n more like meredith.
    so I said it all:o)

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  5. Oh, please! How can you call yourself a Maggi connoisseur unless you add spring onions and oregano to it?

    Also, ahem...little physics please. If ze boobies are big, would you not fall on your face rather than over on your back?

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  6. i don't like spring onions!

    and here's how i figure the physics work. like when you're carrying something really heavy and you trip and fall on your ass and not on your face. (well, you do if you're me.)

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  7. funny. we're all talking boobs. i will in a while.

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  8. Yes, shades of the old you!

    I know just what you mean about the growth in boobage. Same thing's happened to me, dammit. Oh did I mention the cute guys are in Delhi... or were, till 6 months ago?

    I heard what sounded like a Gwen Stefani song with a sample of "Lonely Goatherd" from TSoM today.. thought of you..

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  9. Move to Bangalore. Bean town could do with some boobies!

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  10. No EM, No Agony Aunt busines please.. you aren't that old, are you?
    Atleast not on the cool compulsive confessor site!
    -Kavitha

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  11. eM, whatever would you do answering "I need Help!" queries? Do you really think you could solve problems? I mean like a psychologist-shrink might? If you can, I'd write to you...lemme know what kinds of Qs you expect. (Mine would be: Y do I get violent when my periods are late? Your answer of PMS definitely WON't help!)

    On the boob side, I've watched them grow from 32-34, to 36-38, and then 40(:-(, miserable me 4ft 11 inches! ONLY) and then it did reduce to 38 but no lesser! I wish I could make them small without spending money on any kind of surgery.

    Maggi recipe: Try grated carrots instead of the beet or both! Plus LOTS of tomato-chilly sauce. ADDs more color to your p(+l)a(-l)(et)(te). (don't even ask - was trying to me mathemateical, and not physical.)

    If you have a microwave: add baked canned corn available in the market along with cheese. tastes yummy.

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  12. Gosh !I cook better than you i suppose!

    And i dont think its wrong to be really b**by ! Try it for a change , but then , make sure you can get it back to normal .Something like , growing your hair , and then cutting them short! :-P

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  13. Don't make another blog, this one'll suffer. Another category on the same blog should suffice, non?

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  14. no, dont let anything else distract you. i am sure you would be a loser trying to advise people and all that. leave that for the psycho doctors.

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  15. eM:
    Tsk. No spring onions? Hmm...how about chives? Fresh ones only though. Also, peas. Or even coloured peppers.

    Also, you carry something on your back, n'est pas? Therefore the falling on ass bit.

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  16. the i need help column would have a completely vicarious and voyeuristic slant to it.

    a real crowd puller. count my vote as Aye. :)

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  17. hi, meenakshi,
    i really appreciate ur flowing language n i feel jealous abt u. it was really wonderful n n sometimes i becmin an addict of ur blog, this blog, just like a small kid's thoughts, n only the innocent ppl can understand the "dangeruos" words meaning, ppl with poison in their thoughts always misunderstanding u, so u pls forgive them n go ahead in ur writing, n did u start ur second fiction? best of luck!!!

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  18. Em,
    After a Looooooooooooong Tan x = Sin x/Cos x...Posted a Dogmatic Circular Reply(DCR)....Last two paragraph,what a realistic..!Its Dunning Letter?
    Hehaa...Yam feeling that Bees sound..Eh veiwers feel it..Booooooooooooo..bssssssssssss Its Incredible when we pronounce that..

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  19. since i havent bothered reading the rest of the comments, i dont know if anyone else pointed out that the 'extra' weight will make you fall over on your face.
    not on your back.lol.
    ...unless the extra weight had miraculously grown there.

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  20. ah!! a compulsive snacker apart from confessor... good to go mate!!
    the idea at the advice blog/post is quite sound and i vote for it.. go ahead!!
    as for your boobds... well...its cool isn't it as long as it is proportionate to your body???

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  21. " i have stopped dating him..
    i know how to cook..
    i have big boobs.."

    You Guys.. doesn't it look like an invitation?

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  22. hah.get out of the house!lol...And I am so with you on the aloo bhujiya thing. I love it with curd , lemon , pepper and chilli powder. try it out ! And I am quite literally living on it too.top notch stuff , that.

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  23. ah, so she's a non-psuedo psuedo?
    (it's best to fix your pre's to something)

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  24. advice column thing- don't make another blog..u'll pull readers away from this one. it would be a fun component to this blog...try it out for a bit and see what kind of ratings you get?
    boob thing- i carry around 34 Ds on a 24 inch waist...my back hurts all the time and i'm afraid the only two ways to reduce them are...not fun. u can go for surgery, or u can work out ur arms..like rowing a boat. that way the muscles in ur underarm area...or chest area, get tightened, therefore lifting boobs up and making them look smaller. men reading this, see what trouble those boobs are? be glad u don't have them...
    :)

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  25. All ya frigin' bitches cribbing about growing big boobs might want to know the value of them from an 'underprivileged' like myself! I'd die to add a few extra digits to my VITAL stats! (And puleez, its not for any guy-attention shit or anything, but just for myself! I dont know... just that, I think it would make me feel more sexy. Doesnt it?)

    Hmmm... kinda nice to have this little gurlie chat with some unknown women! ;)

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  26. Hey aLL..
    The only way to reduce your bust size is to lose weight. As breast tissue is composed of fat so when you lose body fat it comes off from all the body fat including breasts...
    I hope this information would help...

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  27. I say, daaku's got a point! :) And please, no matter what you do, don't contract hermititis. It sucks. Especially when you feel all that and DON'T have someone to snap at.
    Seriously, Aloo bhujia all through the day? And only with the garnish you've mentioned? Don't you get bored of it?
    About the advice coloumn, it's an idea. Go for it. But not Ask Aunty eM. That just brings up an image of you in horn-rimmed glasses, no make-up, and writing at a desk. Ugh!

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  28. In re: Daaku's comment....she's making a clean breast of it ;D
    muahahahhahahah

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  29. i was wondering if you will help me, with my blog you know, i run a blog, and friends contribute their best, but i need someone like you, who is all experienced in blogging and will give a real boost and moral support to my blog.
    now, this is where to find me...

    www.thinkaloud.in or admin@thinkaloud.in

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  30. Great blog....i discovered it 5 days ago...inspires me to start my own....i don't think you should start a regular advice blog. Would distract from what you do so well....ie. write about you. But you should post the occasional weird advice email you get...for our entertainment :)

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  31. Cleavage display season starts here in the US(I mean spring) and a lot of blogs talk about boobs. Mere coincidence, huh??

    And btw, u do have a taste to customize maggi and alu bhujia like that :)

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  32. Yes, Daku! I know. I've been visiting this blog for sometime, and I know she is single, and that she loves food, music, traveling & writing. Perfect, on the face of it. And Cooking.. really! I can't live without it. It's cathartic to cook.

    But I won't be able to handle her. I am not one of those guys who are ok with their girlfriends discussing them on the internet!

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  33. Dump the aloo bhujia, go find haldiram's Bhujia Sev. yesss its different! and way better. and spicier and has those chunks of something in it... i donno what they are, but i always fight for those.
    Oh and by the by...the good looking men are in chennai...ahem..

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  34. Hey...dude i red ur blog.it is nice. i am getting tempting here babe......keep it up..............bye.....see u...

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