Here I sit, in the almost-morning of December 31, not sleepy, not quite wide awake. The end of 2004. Year ends are always so inexplicably sad, like the ends of relationships, or like slowly realising that time, no matter how hard you try, doesn't stand still.
Another reason the end of the year is so sad is because, if like me, you look back at the 365 days you had to live and to be alive, and you wonder how many of those you spent in just mind-numbing zombification, you realise that as far as the world goes, you're just another insignificant piece of dust whose living or dying isn't really going to make much difference in the larger scheme of things.
Oh, I know my friends and my family would care if I lived or died. But suppose, for a moment, I hadn't been born, or even concieved. Suppose my parents decided to marry other people. Then I really wouldn't exist and it would be someone different occupying my space, someone equally loved and it wouldn't be me.
But, pushing depressing thoughts like these out of my mind, I look back at this year--perhaps the most up-and-down year I've ever had in my entire life.
January: I was with K, we were extremely happy, I was getting a little restless in my job.
February: I met an old friend of mine, Priya, from college at the World Book Fair. She mentioned she and another friend (Dee) were thinking of living together and were looking for a third roommate. I said I would be interested and we started looking for a house.
March: Priya, Dee and I moved into our bachelorette pad. K started acting a little odd about now, throwing strange tantrums and generally acting cold and withdrawn. He later said it was because he was jealous that I had so much freedom and independance and he had none, but our huge immense fights started around this time.
April: Priya started to act a little oddly, mentioning how living alone wasn't really her thing. Dee got a new job that required her to travel quite a bit. At work, we finished our anniversary issue and I got my first raise.
May: Priya all but moved out, following a tremendous fight with her boyfriend, Dee was still travelling and K and I fought quite a bit.
June: Priya moved her things out completely. Dee and I started looking for another roommate, printing up little flyers. We bought the first investment for the house--- a room cooler. I started a new passion in my life--blogging, under this URL.
July: K and I had our two year anniversary. He acted a lot better than before and I thought, "Thank goodness, now we can go back to normal."
August: Neeti, another friend of mine, decided to have a huge party on Friday the 13th. K said he couldn't go, we fought and he broke up with me, saying he didn't love me anymore. To drive him and the horrible numbness away, I went for distraction is the best policy and had a pretty extreme haircut.
September: Our grand roommate search turned up nothing, so I realised I'd have to move out because I couldn't afford it anymore. Dee got her sister to move in and I moved back home. I was still hurting from the breakup but ready to drive it out of my mind by dating again. I figured getting some attention from the opposite sex would restore my horribly bruised ego. Dee introduced me to a friend of hers, Shiva, and the two of us "had a scene", my first after K. My co-workers found the blog and some rather blunt things I had said about them and I realised that I couldn't just write about everything. I changed the URL and some other tracking devices and stuck to writing about my personal life. Lesson learnt!
October: Things with Shiva never worked out. I started having suspiscions about K and a friend of mine, Meg, because they were getting so close. I also started to get really restless in my job and decided it was time to look for something new.
November: I met up with several old friends, started re-forging relationships I had let grow all old and dusty. A new place offered me a job, with a pretty large salary hike and I decided to take it. At the end of the month, I met New Boy and we all know how that story ended.
December: I turned 23, I met more old friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in years. I realised that the dating vortex I had fallen into was addictive, but going nowhere. And now at the end of the month, I sit making a list and realise that this has been quite an eventful year.
I hope 2005 is as exciting, minus the heartbreak. Just, please, oh powers that be, let me feel every moment of this year, let me know and account for every month, week, day. Let some of my long-cherished dreams come true. Let me be a better person, a wiser person, a less frivolous person, a person who I would want to know.
Happy New Year to whoever's reading this and I hope the powers that be grant your wishes for 2005 too!