12 September 2006

The Incredible Adventures Of Ms. Tiny Bladder



Hectic weekend. And rather strange too. Saturday night made plans with Iggy and her friend, Gaurav to go out somewhere that wasn't Elevate (I realise it might be old age--but I simply cannot do Elevate more than once every six months or so. It's still a fantastic nightclub, don't get me wrong, if you want to go clubbing in this city there's no better place, but maybe the whole HUGENESS of it all, the crowds, the vibrating dance floor, the nowhere to sit, the not recognising anyone, meh, it's just not my regular scene). I joined New Job earlier last week--Wednesday, I think it was, good lord, it already feels like much longer (!)--where I am *ahem* working as a blogger, thank you very much, on a new site, and it's all very cutting edge. Only it's in Gurgaon, which means by the time I get home, I'm too tired and too lazy to venture out again.

So, since it WAS Saturday, and since I HAD spent most of my day in bed, only getting out to watch some television, I thought that this was as good a time as any to start seriously clubbing again. Not like, throw on a t-shirt and go to TC, no, no, serious clubbing requires like make-up and a nice outfit, and stamina. I was vegging at my mom's this weekend, and so I drove to Iggy's house, where I parked my car and we waited for Gaurav to pick us up.

We were drinking at the Friend's Club (which is in Friend's Colony, right next to New Friend's Colony, which I always thought was such a funny name for a place. I mean, why name an entire place after your NEW friends? There's no OLD friend's colony. And before you say it, Friend's Colony doesn't count. It's just such a dumb name for a place, compared to all the beautiful evocative names Delhi has, like Hauz Khas or Nizamuddin or even nearby Maharani Bagh, Friend's Colony sounds like you let your 12-year-old neice, newly fitted up with braces, who paints her toes shocking pink and believes that lIfE iS No gOoD w/oUt ur PaLzzzzzzz name the place. Incidentally, New Friend's Colony was where I saw Friends for the first time, at Leela's house.) But I have no objections to the Friend's Club. None whatsoever. This is because they have cheap booze. And when I say cheap, I mean so cheap that you can't even buy a packet of cigarettes with how much money you'd spend there on two drinks. And it's not at all shady. In fact it's pretty posh, and, ooh, the coolest thing? Each table has a little brass bell that you ring for the waiter! (I got so excited about that I rang and rang and rang and rang until finally Gaurav took it away from me. "It's not a school bell," he said. And yes, you can look all murderous and go cough-colonial hangover-cough as much as you like, but I wish I always had a bell. By the end of it, several drinks down, I sang, "You can ring my be-he-ell, ring my bell" every time Gaurav picked it up.)

After Friend's Club, we were all very giggly as we piled into the car to go to Aura, where their friend Abhay was meeting us. Aura is super-expensive, being in a hotel and all, and I have 140 rupees in the bank, which I don't even think is legal, so I sat sadly in a striped chair that twirled (wheeeee) and watched these two firangs--the guy very bald, the girl in very tight cargos--dance around a chair, and two chicks feel each other up, and just when I thought all the guys around them were going to EXPLODE, they kissed long and lingeringly, but with a fair amount of defiance for a camera, and Gaurav turned to me, all shining eyes and I rolled my own, not-so-shining eyes at him and said, "Dude. What IS it with men and lesbians?" but he was all abbawibba for a bit and oh-they-were-quite-hot-weren't-they? and so there was no getting a well thought out response from him.

In a bit, I got up to go to the bathroom. My seven hundredth pit stop that evening, and as you might have figured out from the title of this post, it's a common problem, especially when I'm drinking. I figure out of every five drinks I drink, only about three stay in. It's terrible. So casually, I sauntered to the loo, stopping off first at the mirrors, to check I still looked okay, and then tugged at my jeans just so that they hung halfway off the tattoo, and then tra-la, started to fix my hair, well, not fix, since I don't have much of it, but you know, girl stuff. Over my shoulder, in the mirror, I saw a boy emerge, and I thought, oh, a boy, how nice and then OH, A BOY. He did a double take, I did a double take and then smiled and said gently, "Um.. I think you're in the wrong loo." No," he said, not quite so gently, "YOU'RE in the wrong loo." "Are you serious?" I said, and he shook his head, rather patronisingly at me and said, "Are you drunk?" "Uh.. not yet," I said and then he put his (unwashed) hands on my shoulders and steered me outside till I was facing the door which said, decidedly, in big, capital letters: GENTLEMEN. "Oh," I said, trying to smile and "Yeah," he said, trying not to. And then I vanished into my own loo, designated for my sex and I heard him laughing outside and telling some friends, "Dude, there was a chick in the men's room!" Shoot me now.

Later, Abhay showed up, and we decided Aura was pretty sad and moved to Agni. By this time, I was getting pretty tired, and really, a night without alcohol is boooooooooooring. So I started to make leaving noises, which were ignored and seeing as I didn't have a car, as it was safely and sensibly parked at Iggy's, I had not much choice but to go.

Agni was packed when we got there, and I kept getting stepped on or shoved aside and it was terrible. I was feeling, well, odd, by this time, very cranky and just wanting, more than anything else to go home and sleep for like a year. Things picked up a little when Abhay bought me a drink--a vodka Red Bull, which I love--and which I threw down my throat. The DJ started playing My Hump, and Iggy got up on the bar to dance, and before I knew what was happening, I was given a lift up too, banging my head on the iron lampshade, but still. There's something incredibly strip-tease-esque about dancing on a bar. I've never done it before, but I can so see the attraction. I'm not much of a dancer, usually, but with the crowd whistling from below us, and the music getting louder and faster, I managed to shake it like a polaroid picture on the bar, narrowly missing hitting my head again, and feeling so totally sexy.

And then I got down, and some guys came up to me and said, "You're the girl who was dancing on the bar?" And I was all uh-huh, bring it. Then I asked if we could go, seeing as it was 3 am and all, but no one was ready to leave yet, and I sighed and threw mini-tantrum and went outside to wait for them, and one minute I was muttering WHY can't we leave NOW and the next, well, I... started.. to cry. I know, right? I have no idea what happened. The tears just kept coming, and in my head I'm going, duuuuuuuuude, get a grip, but the more I'm telling myself to get a grip the more I'm going BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Still weeping like my best friend died, I went back in, where they took one look at me and ushered me outside, and got me a ride with someone else, and I'm pretty sure I freaked the two boys out so much, they're never going to want to hang out with me anymore. And in all this, some other dude is trying to hit on me. Such poor timing.

So yeah. I got home, still shaking my head at myself, and wondering why I was breaking down in the prime of my youth, and why couldn't I even conduct a simple Saturday night excursion without so obviously, acting like a three year old.

And then I slept through Sunday, waking up only to watch Cars and Toy Story 2.


And Wee Meme Update, because it's really way too small to be a post on its own:

And because Chamique asked so nicely. I don't understand though, is it weirdest Google search words ever or just today? I have several very strange ones, but mine change daily. Today's weirdest ones (so far) are:

1) expats in gurgaon looking for fun

2) female drag smoky french kiss

3) Slowly walking down the mall, faster than a cannonball

4) putting toothpaste on zits

5) twins and "TC" tattoo

6) compulsive confessor real name :) (keep looking!)

Ya, that's all that I can find. Lessee, who haven't I tagged in a bit? Jay (because I KNOW he has interesting searches), Jai (because he just posted pics of himself mud wrestling or some such, which MUST have thrown up a few good searches) and Pirate (because he recently wrote about hiding boners in boxer shorts and a sarong). Get to it, boys.

28 comments:

  1. Congratulations on dancing on the counter!

    Very Coyote Ugly...

    You're right about getting stuck...unlike Mumbai, Delhi simply does not have a good taxi service...

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  2. What is it about your posts/life that irritates me? Its probably just my prudish dissaproval of what I deem as "wanton" wickedry :)

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  3. what is it about your comment that irritates me? Oh yeah, the pointlessness of reading someone's blog, thinking it's annoying and not just closing the page, coz that would be too simple, but leaving a mean comment instead.

    oh, and jay sun, we DO have a decent cab service--1912--but remember I only had about 2 rupees in my bank, not enough to get me anywhere! :)

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  4. when i'm tipsy and feel like crying, i drink more. and drink fasst. before the ice in my margaritas start melting even. then i'm so drunk that i'm taking the ice cubes out of the glass with my hand and cruching on the ice, enjoying the numb feeling and laughing hard at silly jokes and humouring weird guys who come up with stooopid pick up lines. ah! if only i could be perpetually drunk!

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  5. Oh man. We'd've had fun at Friend's Club together. Totally. It'd go like this.

    eM: you can ring my be-he-ell...
    cale: ...ring my bell. wheee omg.
    eM: oh my god look at that female's CLEAVAGE.
    cale: it's cleavahge, dahling, cleavahge.
    eM: cleavaghe, yes, quite right, pip-pip.
    cale: ooh i say lookie a bell.
    eM: oh my.
    cale: should we ring it?
    eM: yes, no ramlaul's come and taken our orders yet you kneaw.
    cale: oh quite. ding-a-ling-a-ling, waiter, i say, waiter, ding-a-ling-a-ling.
    eM: you're not ringing the bell.
    cale: yes i am.
    eM: no, you're not. you're saying ding-a-ling-a-ling. you decieving little bitch.
    cale: GASP ME OMG gaurav tell the girl she's crazy.
    gaurav: kindly do not drag me into this homosexual fight. homosexuals are the dirty evils. wow look lesbians yummy. insert weird indian man dialogue here.

    eM and cale exchange looks and become sickeningly best friends once more. going on to grow steadily drunker, ending up making pseudo-love on the sofa with colourful character damien first egging eM on, and then saying oh i'll JUST do it myself, making cale a very happy little tartlet indeed.

    ...

    ah well it's late and i'm tired and quality comedy comes only after lots of thought and tequila. bt u gt th pynt.

    oh and i'll get to emailing you as soon as possible. had a massively busy day today (three birthdays to deal with, but happily, of course), so ich bin ein Sehrtiredkind now.

    Cage you lader my levvly gerl.

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  6. 3 pubs/drinking-dancing places, I get bored with 1 on most days

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  7. I apologize for my earlier post, em. I shouldn't impose my own set of values on you. I read your blog because its well written and entertaining.

    You read novels with stories, characters you might not approve of. But that doesn't diminish its value. A blog, with its seductive attraction to interact with the author is a privelege, and not one, that should be abused.

    My apology.

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  8. Random guy hits on me. Ex misses it. I (drunk as a mofo skunk) angrily ask random guy what the eff he's looking at. Ex tells me to calm down. Soon, ex is at the receiving end of a hugeass tantrum involving tears and accusations of him being an evil bastard. Alcohol and/or hormones can turn me, a cynical emotionless bitch, into a wailing/screaming maniac.

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  9. PMS? And it's a girl asking, and it's not a sexist remark. I have bad PMS when I cry for no reason and especially when alcohol has made me maudlin :)

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  10. the pointlessness of reading someone's blog, thinking it's annoying and not just closing the page, coz that would be too simple, but leaving a mean comment instead

    Even more fun is when someone leaves a comment saying simply "I can't comment on your post because I don't know anything about this subject." Wtf!

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  11. hi em,
    this sounds strange, but friends colony was named as it was ( the entire now constructed area)bought amongs this bunch of friends( it really was a waste land until then...what with bird sightings etc..)..the area being far too big for a less than dozen people,it now houses all non friends too... and New friends is like new rajinder nagar i guess :)

    we guys must catch up..will call before the weekend.was caught up witha friends birthday and visitors from outa town!

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  12. Tra-la. Tuesday morning.

    lemontree: I guess I am. What is all better anyway? :)

    sonia: i find drinking heightens whatever emotion I have, so if I'm happy, I'm hyper and if I'm sad, I'm a wreck. Oh wait, that's me sober as well. :)

    cale: I snorted so hard at your comment I sprayed coffee over my nice white kurta. And looked a little like a jackass too. :) For that reason alone--marry me. Oh, and Damien's single now, another reason to get your ass to Delhi.

    imhunt: which is exactly why you should do three.

    anon: it's cool. :)

    raindrop: one question: was he ex before or after this incident? :)

    anon2: WHY is EVERYONE asking me that? I wish it was PMS, because that would explain away everything but (TOO MUCH INFORMATION ALERT, AVERT YOUR EYES IF YOU'RE SQUEAMISH) I just finished actually, so unless it's post menstrual stress then no. :)

    jabberwock: Oh that's a problem I don't face, clearly seeing as my subject matter normally doesn't require much research. :). But I always wonder about the POINT of going to the separate comments page, doing the whole word verification thing and just to leave a comment saying you suck. I'm like, why, dude, why?

    monika: hey, thanks for that! who woulda thunk, huh? I wonder where all the original friends are, and whether they're still friends and how long they've been friends for in the first place.

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  13. I cannot believe all of this actually happened in Delhi :)
    I mean, you almost sound as if you live in NYC

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  14. Oh, such fun you are! Thanky.

    Though it might not've been just strange terms for the day, it totally works with the regular circus you must be getting- on a daily basis at that.
    =)

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  15. yet another tag, I'm afraid. Go here (http://electric_abacus.blogspot.com/2006/09/melancholy-in-bottle.html) for more details.

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  16. If by 'interesting' you mean 'rather disturbing search parameters with lots of dirty words and frankly baffling sexual fetishes', then yes, I do get one or two of those.

    -salutes- Yes ma'am.

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  17. Someone told me a name a few months ago, and also told me where you wrote/worked. I forgot.

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  18. both, funny and engaging :)

    why does it sound like one of my routine saturday nights!!

    sigh!

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  19. Lol, eM, yours is one of the few blogs I can read on the couch like I would a book...but worry not, just last night my friend was muttering to herself as she went to the loo for the umpteenth time...and we weren't even drinking... oh my, this gets curiouser and curiouser

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  20. i don't get the google search thing. VIERD.

    oh and the blog's back. ya. after all that trouble. but it's back! fer sure.

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  21. @ eM: I fully approve of the "dancing on the bar" antic! Wow! Of course the guy hit on you!

    Have you figured out why you cried?

    Also, this post will bring on its own share of silly searches, don't you think?

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  22. "well-behaved women rarely made history" I think it's not fully correct. This kinda woman also makes history as the best well-behaved woman

    It's all depends on what's your agenda to creat HISTORY!!

    Nice blog..
    Roy

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  23. You threw a tantrum at a club?

    Why?

    It's always easier to just tell your friends you need a bit of air, and then either sit outside and chat with the smokers, or head home in a taxi.

    Although the best solution is to not go to clubs with friends at all. What is the point? It's too loud to talk to them there anyway. Best to go alone, or with one friend who has the same stamina you do.

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  24. Bebe sometimes it's great to just let it all out but next time just hail yourself a cab. I've had a hectic weekend myself. Last weekend I moved to London and this weekend I settled in. :) This street transforms itself at night. By day it's a touristy kitschy place with hordes of camera-toting Japanese tourists, by night its crawling with queens, faeries, heteros and retros. I love it here. Not all the time and maybe not consistently throughout the day but for the most part it's fun. It's alive and abuzz, I can ever hear cop sirens every now and then. Feels very NYC. Nothing about this city reminds of Delhi though which is why I cook!
    Write me sometime and hope you're enjoying the new job.
    xxx

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  25. hahahaha the delhi locations' names had me rolling in laughter:)

    if climax gets its music act together, the winter is going to rule there with the open balconies and oodles of space..

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