1 November 2006

My life is a prime time drama

(Posted here first!)

Previously on The Compulsive Confessor:
“I’ve decided to have a Halloween party!”
“Halloween’s on a Tuesday, dude.”
“So, I’ll have it on the weekend before that, and call it a post-Diwali, pre-Halloween party.”
***
“Um.. Small, I think I have a problem.”
“What is it?”
“I think I might have gone overboard on the inviting.”
“Soooooo, how many people are we expecting?”
“Close to fifty six?”
“Okay, then.”
“Yeah.”

***


(Scene: eM is standing in front of the mirror, wearing a black sheath and yellow wings. Carefully, she smooths down her hair and then sets on her head, a thin black metal hairband, with aluminium foil twisted around it. Stepping back, she surveys the effect and smiles at herself. There is a knock on the door).

eM: Come in!

(Enter Fariha, a friend of Small’s originally, who then became a friend of eM’s. And who is still dressed in jeans and a green top, carrying a large case.)

eM: Dude, you’re not dressed yet!

Fariha: Chill, Small’s in the bathroom, I’ll go when she’s done. Do you want some help? (holds up case) I can do your makeup!

eM: Okay! How do I look, by the way?

Fariha (sitting down and busily unpacking her case): You look really sweet.

eM: I’m aiming more for sexy than sweet here.

Fariha: Once I’m done with you, you’ll look sexy, I promise.

(There is much makeup slathering and eyeshadowing and rouging and glittering cleavage and in the meanwhile, Pirate arrives! Dressed as, um, a pirate. Duh.)

(Theme song plays:
It's getting so lonely inside this bed
Don't know if I should lick my wounds or say woe is me instead
And there's an aching inside my head
It's telling me I'm better off alone
But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you will get some
They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down down till' you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems
I looked above the other day
Cuz I think I'm good and ready for a change
I live my life by the moon
If it's high play it low, if it's harvest go slow and if it's full, then go
But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you're gonna get some.
Credits roll.)

eM: Well, here we are, the five of us. Pirate, it’s your job to make sure I get mind blowingly drunk.

Pirate: (keeps his word, faithfully, though really I don’t think it was all his doing)

Small: (is dressed as a gypsy)

Tall: (is dressed as an 80s aerobics instructor)

Fariha: (is dressed as the Goddess of Love)

(Doorbell! Yay!)

(Enter Frida, Mrs Havisham, a Hunter Photographer, a hippy and Frida’s flatmate wearing horns and a suit)

Frida: (has to play twenty questions with eM before she is discovered)

Horned-Suited flatmate: (holds up tag on his suit that says Prada, thus revealing himself as the Devil Wears Prada and eM’s most favourite costume EVER.)

eM: (falls promptly in love with The Devil Wears Prada)

The Devil Wears Prada: (looks a little bemused at this love)

Everyone: Drinkety-drinkety-drink-drink

(Enter People Who Didn’t Bother To Come In Costume)

eM: (scolds)

eM: (ushers towards bar)
eM: (forces drinks down people’s throats)

(Enter Pirate #2)

eM: (forgives Pirate #2 for not being completely Pirate-y, when he hands her a bottle of wine)

Much Time Is Spent: (looking for a wine bottle opener)

(Ooh, more people!)

Pimp: (is pimplike)

Tree: (Cannot make up her mind whether to be Tree or Hippy #2)

Vampire/Sorceress/Elvira type person: (is blackly dressed)

All three: (unpack fancy glass thermos thing with vodka and cranberry juice)

eM: (looks longingly)

eM: (is not offered any)

eM: (chases people out of the kitchen because of the Nasty Lurky Rat)

Nasty Lurky Rat: (lurks)

Nasty Lurky Rat: (avoids rat poison)

(Enter Pirate # 3, also known as the Best Pirate, because she has a) a headscarf, b) permanent marker chest hair c) an eyepatch and d) a hook. Also enter Big Bottle Of Beer, who is competing with The Devil Wears Prada to be eM’s favourite costume EVER.)

Big Bottle Of Beer and The Devil Wears Prada: (are oblivious)

Best Pirate: (is shown to the two other pirates and held up as an example)

Best Pirate: (examples)

eM: (is still not drunk)

Everybody: (starts moving upwards to the terrace)

eM: (looks for everybody)

eM: (cries at splitting up of party)

eM: (doesn’t REALLY cry)

eM: (goes upstairs and chases people downwards)

People: (refuse to be chased)
(Camera pans over crowd to reveal that the majority of the guests are foreigners, as in, non-Indians)

Foreigners: (are foreign)

Foreigners (speak in foreign languages)

Foreigners: (don’t really speak in foreign languages but accented English which SOUNDS foreign)

eM: (wonders how she knows so many people)

eM: (feels very popular)

Editor-Poets: (arrive)

Editor-Poets: (are not in costume)

eM: (is STILL not drunk)

eM: (is cross at lack of costume)

Mr Editor Poet: (takes off spectacles to reveal himself as Man With Makeup)

eM: (scoffs)

eM: (needs another drink)

eM: (fetches more alcohol for people)

eM: (is DONE being a hostess)

eM: (is FINALLY drunk)

eM: (is all wheeeeeeeeee!)

eM: (forgets the rest of the evening)

eM: (is kissed on the mouth by many people)

eM: (wonders why people keep kissing her on the mouth)

eM: (thinks maybe mouth kissing is the new cheek kiss)

eM: (doesn’t want to seem like she’s behind the times)

Everybody else: (become blurry dots)

eM: (loves blurry dots)

eM: (blows kisses at blurry dots)

eM: (feels at one with the universe)
eM: (perhaps makes some drunk calls)

eM: (should have her cellphone taken away from her)

eM: (cannot stand straight anymore)

Blurry Dots: (look vaguely amused)

Blurry Dots: (turn on the music)

eM: (dances alone)

eM: (still dances alone)

eM: (drags people to the dance floor)

People: (recoil in horror)

Blurry Dots: (leave)

eM: (kicks passed out friend from bed)

eM: (lies down)

eM: (is asleep)

eM: (is loving writing like this)

eM: (finds it strangely addictive)

(End credits)

27 comments:

  1. .. a creative post after a while.
    love it

    ReplyDelete
  2. What's this. Two rocking weekends I've read about. You and Scout. Humbug.

    Mine sux0red.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Right, so my weekend, snot filled in bed loathing Brit weather and the lack of suitable female companionship to fuss over me (and in the same city at the very least, can think of a few who would have fussed but none are in London...well, Bobo did give me lotsa advice, flexon and called me friday night to check up on me which was very sweet of her)...I'm just brimming with christmas spirit, full of bah humbugs and the likes
    Monday morning my boss is incredulous i still have a cold and refuses to believe I stayed in all weekend. His irritation shows

    I have fucking had it with work and feeling stupid and cold, clammy weather...
    Bah humbug!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lovely post - most entertaining reading - strongly endorse more of the script kind posts- also strongly endorse blogger against ibibo - too colourful for my liking - (yup you might remember me from protests abt the pink background!!)
    Kind of made me wish I had gotten drunk this weekend!! Or dressed up for halloween!!
    Devil wears prada wins my vote for my most favourite costume EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  5. yet another well written post

    so basically you got all dressed up to have fun and ended up being drunk with no idea of what was happening-was that any fun?
    when one is playing the host,fun walks out whenever a guest walks in

    you did not say how well was your costume recd ?did it serve its purpose :)!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hallo deerey dinesh 4 u. i am also having fun wekend. i go to see cinema with my workfrends njoy u c.
    saterday my mummie is caling from Aleppy mummie is asking dinesh r u make frends in new delhi i am saying only so few frends in work but i have deer new frend on email inernat - that is U deerey. she is asking 4 ur name i say i not no but i am evry dayreeding ur colums n now ur write back 4 me also 1 time. mummie is not folowing as she alwys live in small place like kottayam aleppy like mummie is wory 4 me becos my dadie is no more is passed in train acident and now i tell her evry day i am going to internat cafe 4 reed ur colums all mony is geting spend i am teling no probs becos now i have such new frend n i wil send mony 4 her folowing week. sunday i am seeing cinema tamil movie than i go 4 internat 2 read agen your colums. u plese responese me sweetey i wil b ur good fren always.

    ReplyDelete
  7. preyanca: (likes the post very much)
    preyanca: (claps in honor)
    preyanca: (is wondering if pics can be put up)

    ReplyDelete
  8. you are just soo bloody funny!!!!!

    its not very often, that i physically laugh out loud when im reading stuff. (we primates are more visual beings)

    great stuff

    ReplyDelete
  9. PLEASE READ: VERY IMP

    figured you have access to a whole lotta people through your blogs. I just went to one of your commenter's blogs - PREYANCA (scroll down your comments for this post) and ive read a REALLY DISTURBING POST..could be nothing...could be SOMETHING and i cant reach her cos of some damn msn space log on shit..pl try to reach her and talk to her (youre obviously good at that) and maybe tell others to get around to her too...lemme know what happens if you can..thanks

    ReplyDelete
  10. You should think of directing a movie :-) Very nice post. Am back, as you can see. Not in the best of spirits, but doing much better. Talk to you soon. P

    ReplyDelete
  11. great post..
    its fun to talk in third-person

    jeet: leaving now

    ReplyDelete
  12. u didnt mention the bit when you were yelling "DUDE!! NO ONE IS HITTING ON ME!! NO ONE IS HITTING ON ME!". now that was the funniest biit at the party.

    ReplyDelete
  13. the last anon: WHO are you? you're freaking me out a little bit, especially since i have nooooooo recollection of saying these things. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. EM : HAVE YOU READ THE COMMENT FROM PREYANCA YET? COULD BE A SHOUT OUT FOR HELP.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Interesting Man, If interested in technology news
    visit my blog
    www.tekno-world.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. hahahaha, to the anon who said you were yelling, can almost see you in those wings jumping up and down and saying that!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Haven't read this good a post anywhere in ages. Loved it thoroughly.

    -Tara

    ReplyDelete
  18. Why was the cannibal crying next to a lump of shit?













    because he just dumped his girlfriend

    ReplyDelete
  19. Nice post! cracked me up and kept at it all through...

    I love the concept that you can be host and still behave like this! now thats what i call setting a good example for party hosts everywhere!

    i think ill try that next time (without the wings and shit and the yelling though, if you dont mind)

    ReplyDelete
  20. HAHA... extremely creative! nice party.. me wonders what me would dress up as :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. "u didnt mention the bit when you were yelling "DUDE!! NO ONE IS HITTING ON ME!! NO ONE IS HITTING ON ME!". now that was the funniest biit at the party."
    Aside from your post, this bit above is the funniest thing I've read all week and I don't even know you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

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