11 July 2007

Now Taking Boyfriend Applications

* Must be willing to watch the first day-first show of the new Harry Potter movie

* Must also be willing to buy and read the new Harry Potter book and sit on me if I attempt spoilers (because I read really fast) and then have long energized debates about it

*Must be willing to admit I’m right. Well, some of the time.

* Should be open to smoking in bed.

* Should most definitely not be open to eating in bed.

* Tallish, yes?

* Ooh, and rather lean, since we're asking.

* Must love cats, and be willing to have cat hair shed all over him. Bonus points if he discovers special scratchy spot by the cheek. (From both me and tc).

* Must be creative enough to fabricate a lovely and romantic present out of dried macaroni, sparkles and glue.

* Must also have the common sense not to present the Macaroni Sparkle thing on a Significant Occasion, such as one's birthday.

* Spontaneity is valued in this position. (Including, but not limited to holidays, presents and bathroom nookies)

* Must find habits that even my best friends roll their eyes at "endearing".

* Preferably not a very good liar, either.

* Must be passionate about something--like, I don't know, painting, or writing or xboxes.

* Must be social.

* Must have a liver the size of a humpback whale.

* Must be in the same city. (Extra points for living within the free home delivery radius)

* Must be willing to check all baggage into storage for the duration of our relationship.

*Must not cry like a little girl at the mention of the word 'relationship'.

* Must not be fashion illiterate; ie; don't wear tight crotch fitting pants, or flowered fitted t-shirts. (But on the other hand, must not be too fashion savvy either, because that's just gay. A middle ground is all I ask for, someone who likes to go shopping but doesn't recommend boob belts)

*Must think I am a Literary Genius. (Another set of bonus points if you too are a LG).

* Must enjoy the occasional Karaoke night. And must get up on stage and rock the socks off Bohemian Rhapsody.

* Must love me passionately. This is all. Even when I'm snarly and PMSing.

Isn't there a bit somewhere in the Bible about "Ask and you (or thou) shall receive (or receiveth)."?" Well, are you there, God, coz I've totally asked.


  1. Hmm, if it wasn't for the liver size, I'd consider applying.

    Best of luck in your search though.


  2. If I were a guy, we would be a perfect match :)

  3. Well if this is meant to be humourous....nice one !!

    But if you r serious about this, i want to remind you that managing so many boyfriends will give u a hard time [:P]

  4. for someone as butt fugly as you are (ref: your orkut page, MM), thats quite a wishlist.

    However since you're so desperate, may I present myself: http://www.myprofilepimp.us/myprofilepimp/public_html/presentation/images/personality-thumbnails/45063.jpg

    I do hope you give good head.

  5. well.. I lose.. much before i could even try! i was over and out in the first 5, couldnt complete the list also..

    How about getting a G I Joe?

  6. I would do it but I have a few conditions on my own too

    1. Must be willing to watch the new Rajnikanth movie "n" times

    2. Must be willing to eat idli with sambaar (that I would be glad to cook) most of the days.

    3. If you have legs and you can move them, play some soccer. Or anything ... but not on the couch or the bed.

    4. Should be able to run atleast 3 km without panting your lungs out.

    5. Must be able to see through some of the bullshit logic that I spout sometimes.

    6. If you want me to read poetry or some such, then be ready to read some hardcore psychology literature. (soft science fiction or psychology... your choice)

    7. Lastly, must give me an neat plan to dump my current girl friend.

    what say?

  7. You forgot too mention Height and weight.. any specs???

  8. I love this. Why aren't there more literary geniuses who know how to handle their sparkles and dress appropriately?

    I do actually know a very tall fella in Mubmai (6'3", I believe, and lean), and he reads. I don't know about his craft project abilities. Interested?

  9. as if He doesn't have much to do already... only if God read blogs...

    But they say 'dhundne se bhagwaan bhi milte hai'... and so someone created google

  10. i might score 15 on 23 here plus some extra points here and there.
    But I would rather you read the new HP book which I agree to buy!

    good luck

  11. Except for the lean-ness and the home delivery radius, I _still_ fit your requirements...

  12. eM! Now you repeat yourself. I kind of remember a similar post when you were in Delhi. You had listed some requirements you look for in a guy; it was heavy on music. There was this fellow who replied in his blog to your post. Which subsequently let to Vulturo (I think) that sparks were going to fly in a blog meet. You remember the post now?

    hehe, you are out to plagiarize on your old writings.

    all the best with the boyfriend hunt.

  13. missed the word "quip" in the earlier comment.

  14. looks to me like youre gonna be single for a very very long time, M

  15. bin maange moti mile.. maange mile na bheekh...

  16. you ARE looking for a guy here aren't you?

    seems like u are looking for a male version of you.. difficult.. i must say.. difficult

  17. @moksh juneja....don't the words "tall" and "lean" mean anything to you? or were you in such a hurry to prepare your application that you forgot to go through the requirements completely?

    and eM...all the best!

  18. boob belts? they r making those now?!?

    i wanted to ditto Rohini, but I am more of a dog person. actually I am more of a no-animal person :(

  19. let's see...IF we can tone down a wee bit on the Harry Potter thing, and maybe substitute (now n then) it with Neil Gaiman or Pratchett...then it sounds all good...too bad you're not in ze Capital....

  20. Gud post. funny. I wonder if u'd manage to get such kind of a guy... I might have scored an 18/23

  21. Try rajni the Boss. perfect match

  22. I knw a guy.. u satisfies all criterias incl the bonus stuff.... except for the lean factor.... else i wud have recommended him... lol.. nice one!! you find ur match!! :)

  23. em,

    you seem to have very limited expectations ;-)

    All the Best for the search!

  24. See - I have only 4 criteria - Tall, Handome, Rich and Nice! and I'm willing to drop nice!! compared to you, mine is easy!
    Best of luck!!

  25. Daneel, _I_ was the fellow who replied. I was thinking of re-replying, but these days I couldn't be bothered and it would sound lame - besides - one of eM's condition is that she has to be loved passionately. That, my friend, has to be earned.....

  26. BTW, Dumbledore is so not dead. There's loads of proof all over the books. (Sorry, I had a lot of free time)

  27. mE, now that you have reaffirmed your candidacy for the (hitherto wisely left vacent) category of Paris Hilton/latter day Shobha De/Rakhi Sawant/Item Number of Indian Blogosphere what about a sex video to go with this?

    Now I read above that you are downright fugly, but we'll suffer you on the Debonair Blog. If notriety is an aspiration, just go for it! Nothing like a good scandle to liven up the day.

  28. Nahhh. Not your style eM.

    You are better than this, and you deserve better. :D

  29. Poison Ivy, I know eM personally from her Delhi days. And I think she is just an overrated vanity blogger, with a good command of English as a language, and nothing much more to show for it.

    What do you mean by this post "not being her style", I don't even know what her style is, really. I prefer Hobo, by the way, who at least seems to have a conscience.

  30. all the very best! May your search yield better results than what google promises.And if you do find success, even remotely, do put it up on your blog. I'll try listing down my own figments(requirements) of a girlfriend on my blog.Or yours if you dont mind. [;)]

  31. ah i see you've turned on timestamps...(on my advice?)...now you can track down these anonymous geniuses...if you are so inclined

    @anons - do you not realise that even if every word that you spoke was the gospel truth, the very fact that you're anonymous means that no one will give any credence to what you say? why do you waste your time?

  32. *hands her a macaroni-wrapped gluestick*

    ...And how you doin', you literary genius you?

    *in deepish voice like George Clooney and Frank Sinatra fused in one*

    i was just having my 15th martini back there when i noticed you, sitting here all alone.

    *eyes clash intensely as band plays bohemian rhapsody...to be followed by whole lotta love*

  33. Ask me, eM, I'll tell you - God is deaf!

  34. if 9 is a yes, then it will always be for occasions as described in 10.
    this is a little-known commandment.

  35. hahaha i can totally hear the customer care representative going ....

    "uhh ma'am, we never really built anything with those specifications, but we can offer a moderately priced and easily manageable, 2.0 model if you're interested?"

    oh and if you're wondering, you're totally not asking for too much. I think.

  36. eM, which part of 'you are a celebrity blogger' with what... 600 hits a day are you not understanding....you cant write crap like this anymore...even if you're just writing it for fun.

  37. oh of course the quintessential 'has anyone noticed i'm single again' post. bah! you know how i feel about you whining about being single na?

    brava! that's quite a list you got there. i don't think it's an impossible one though. just to find it all in one guy. :D


  38. i think everyone should lay off. :P
    this is what i get for trying to inject this blog with some humour. seriously. it's not either a "whining about being single" post or a "i'm really desperate" post or even, "i'm better than all men" post. it's just a post. no deeper meaning. i'm flattered that all of you would attribute deeper meanings to what i write, but it's a PERSONAL blog for god's sake. not a political or sociological statement of our times. did any of you even bother to read the about me section? IT'S ABOUT ME. so fuck off and stop wasting your time reading something you don't even like, for god's sake. (the people who were nice, thank you, you're the only reason i leave comments still enabled on this thing). :)

  39. phew! that was some list eM. I am still laughing. Good one.

  40. i find it hysterical that people have the time and energy to not only read, but also comment on a blog that they apparently hate. for those calling it vapid, go read the new york times or something. it's not like she's professing to be profound and serious.

    and for those who said she "doesn't have a conscience"or whatever,do you honestly think someone's online persona and what they choose to post on a VERY public blog can tell you ANYTHING about the kind of person they are?

    eM, i don't know you from adam, but kudos to you for putting up with such idiots. :)

  41. hey eM,
    i'm giving my boyfriend a hard time over a little thing. read your post and realised he's got it all and i'm just being silly. kissed and made up. hee hee...
    i love the way you write. tell the world to go take a walk!

  42. good luck in your search..why dont you do what all the other smart girls doing. Instead of having some guy with all those qualities already instilled in them (which will be impossible to find), you should get a guy and train him. Like a big company hires entry level recent grads and trains them to their liking...;)


  43. I started reading your blog a few months ago. . . i like your blog becaue you write without inhibitions . . . i wish I could write like that . . . i wish I could write at all for that matter. . . but tell me something . . . are really writing what you feel? Or you just writing what people would like to read . . .

  44. eM, all I could think of after reading this post was....CHO CHWEET!

    Persevere and you shall find just such a man....I'm sure there are more me's out there!

  45. ...
    what a bunch of idiots.
    leave the woman alone.
    and get a life of your own.

    eM - sympathies.

  46. oh u commenter people are mean.

  47. Hi em, while the comments on your blog about not having a conscience may be silly exercises in self-righteousness, i do think that your claim about this being a "personal" blog is equally preachy and hollow. is it really possible to be "personal" when your blog is SO VERY public?
    and aren't you indulging in a fair bit of role-playing on your blog and don't you LOVE all the gushing and positive feedback? well, while no one expects you to actively like the criticism, thats a part of the game too and methinks that its a bit hypocritical to selectively appeal to "privacy" on a blog that has now begun to seem like an attention-seeking gimmick.

  48. Darn I can't decide, should be crowned Indias very own 'Liz Wilde' or the female version of 'Bubba the Love Sponge'

  49. I hate the amount of comments you get.

    That i've now added to.

    Give me my cat back.

  50. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  51. u serious?? then i guess u'll b single forever...
    btw first visit...loved the blog...will b back...

  52. OMG my friend was right. She gave me ur blog add n told me u've gotta check it out. She sounds jus like u..n u do! Really like ur style of writing..keep bloggin' :)

  53. haha. how amazing that you don't turn up your nose at harry potter, being a writer. so there are non-aantels still left. what a nice thought.
    and what a wow blog. found it quite by accident.

  54. An average humpback whale liver weighs around 300 kilos.. and thats only the liver!

    But as they say.. 'Whatever turns you on' :)

    Nice blog!

  55. Wow...if you do find someone like that kindly ask for his brother (a little older or younger would also do)....for your super single friends as well. ;)

  56. I so totally fit that bill. But the question is whatsinitforme? :)

  57. where's your new post? and what's going on with you? haven't spoken to you in what seems like ages! all quiet on the biach front as well.


  58. @ anonymous, shuddup! anyone who wants to out eM has to only browse facebook, no? so what is all this all about? i noticed more replies like this in previous posts as well.

    @ ??! you shuddup even more. maybe guys are just frustrated with an ex-celibrity blogger, no? c'mon, it is just another day in what is just another blog's life!

  59. Hmm, harry potter. Haven't got past the fourth book, nor the third movie. Guess I'm out.

  60. Anon:
    shudduping now. (or is that shudding-up now?)

  61. fcuk it's easier to get a job in here
    then a girlfirend ... die!


  62. Do you pray God to create someone to suit u or have guts to make best out of a normal being? May be u shud just wait till someone falls in true luv with u (if at all u believe in such stupid concept)...


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