28 May 2010

Maybe I am not one of the lucky few who get a happily ever after

It seems the universe in all its infinite wisdom is never tired of fucking with me. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe the Great Writer In The Sky regarded my story as a little “boring” and decided to mix things up a little, but whatever the case, it must be said. A couple of weeks into my being in England, JC decided that getting married might not be for him, after all. I thought it was the wedding plans spooking him, they were flying around pretty rapidly, so I told him it was okay, that we didn’t have to get married in February of 2011 (which was the plan), we could just Wait and See.

 

Hope, dangles on a string,

Like slow spinning redemption,

 

But then, not satisfied with that plot progression, the Writer In The Sky said, “Eh, that’s not enough drama. What else can we do?” and long story, short, I don’t know where my relationship is going as of this very moment. Technically, we are no longer a couple, but also, we have discussed having a one month hiatus from each other, just to figure things out. It hasn’t been an easy time in my life, but you know, all this back-and-forthing, I would just like it to end. Now. Please. I’ve never been a fan of inconsistency, also, I guess I’m more than a little annoyed right now. JC is the love of my life, yes, I love him as much as it is possible to love another human being, but really, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for me to ask for answers.

 

Winding in and winding out,

The shine of which has caught my eye,

 

Yes, I’m not perfect. I don’t operate under that delusion. We’re not perfect people. But I am willing to see this relationship to its bitter end. We have some differences that seem insurmountable. The fact that we live in two different countries, for instance. The fact that getting a work visa to the UK is super super hard, especially for a freelance writer. That is the major problem.

 

And roped me in, so mesmerising,

So hypnotising,

 

 

I hope we figure things out. I want to be with him, but I don’t want an unhappy marriage. Which is where I suppose I’m grateful to him for having the honesty to come forward with his doubts now, and not later.

 

I am captivated,

I am vindicated

 

At twenty eight, break ups don’t involve a night of binge drinking and flirting with every available man. At twenty eight, I closet myself away, avoiding social situations, seeing a few select friends when I want to, but not making any major night-on-the-town plans. At twenty eight, breaking up is both easier and a LOT harder than it ever was before.

 

I am selfish, I am wrong,

I am right, I swear I’m right,

I swear I knew it all along.

 

81 comments:

  1. Been following your blog for a while. I hope you both figure things out in a way that is right for both of you. :)

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  2. I've never commented before , though I've been reading your posts for years.

    Hope everything sorts out and you do get to spend a perfect life with your perfect match.God bless!

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  3. am sorry about all of this and i hope you both find your answers soon... hugs!

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  4. Frankly I am not sure what can I say after reading this post. But i just have strength go through this phase and a whole life is in front of you.

    Your writing was honest subtle and at same time sensitive.

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  5. I'm a regular and occasionally when a post of yours hits me, i delurk.
    i am delurking, because this post put a lump in my throat.
    I hope that, Inshallah, things work out. I hope you and JC, make it out of this. hopefully it's just a test, and maybe the distance is merely there to reinforce your initial decision to be together because you chose to be.

    Or...I hope it works out in a way that is best for you.

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  6. It all seemed so set in stone. Fingers crossed.

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  7. Well, look at it this way, Rajan (the guy on the 4th comment) looks like he's had a much worse time than u

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  8. You will find a happy ending, whether it be with JC or with someone else. I went through a horrible breakup about six months ago after living with my ex for 3 years and thinking we would spend our lives together. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but in the long run he wasn't a good, reliable person for me to marry, and it helped me think about what I want out of a husband so that next time I won't pick the wrong person. It does NOT mean that your chance of finding a life partner is over, even though that's how it feels right now. I hope you have good friends and family to help you through this... It is so hard.

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  9. time to delurk for the first time... this sucks... I literally gasped in horror when I read this.. :( hope you guys figure things out...

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  10. All the best eM. I hope things work out for you the way you want them to...

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. "At twenty eight, breaking up is both easier and a LOT harder than it ever was before"

    Sigh. You said it.

    I really hope things work out for you (because the writer in the sky should think about inserting happy endings to the script once in a while) but even if they don't remember that you have the strength to deal with this. And the courage to hope that what comes after is happier than this.

    Hang in there, it'll all work out eventually! :)

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  13. *Hugs*

    A month back, I had my break-up with someone too. It still hurts so much. I cant imagine being with anyone else. The worst part is fighting the hope. I still think we can work things out! But he doesn't. I'm 29 and really, I'm just too old for this kinda thing. Anyhow, shit happens.

    Clearly comforting words have deserted me :) But I will say this: in your best interest, put this one behind you as fast as you can. DONT fight the break-up.

    That wasn't comforting either. Sigh. I should stop projecting :)

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  14. This is not good news...
    Sigh!!! Break ups suck... big time... and the older we get the more they suck. Every break up sucks out some life/hope/happiness from a person.
    What is better... to never have loved or to have loved and lost?
    Take care...

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  15. these things never explain themselves.Please DONOT pt yourself through a phase of did I do something wrong in the U.K that pissed him off etc.
    Trust me, If you are together it will be meant to be and there is no better way to re-inforce that.
    If you arent! You have time to be with the ONE.
    Cmon your 27/28 chill....

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  16. Hey there
    I haven't commented in a long while.
    But this one post really hit me.
    I am so sorry. You may not feel this right now , but things do get better.
    Being in a relationship is hard work.I am glad for one thing for you though , There doesn't seem to be any caving in.
    You are dealing with issues , whatever they may be right here , right now.
    Better to have sorted them out now than later

    Hug

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  17. I am so sorry. I hope things work out in a way that is going to make you happy.

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  18. Hope things work out for you guys !! Good luck !

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  19. Your last paragraph - It is so so right and take it from me, the men in your lives, friends, brothers, cousins, (except maybe the Dad) nobody will understand that you are not 'depressed' and in need of a shrink. That silence can heal, that peace of mind is more important than getting into bed with a stranger after binge drinking...
    I could go on and on.

    All the best, eM. I hope and pray things work out. In a way, my situation is the same. I will be moving to USA, while the boyfriend has been in Europe for the last 7/8 months. How can it be helped if your career plans work out that way? And I am sure you'll agree if I say that love was supposed to be stronger than these temporary setbacks.

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  20. hey eM,
    I've also been reading your blog for an age now, and I love the way you write- the sheer honesty of it.
    I went through the same thing a month back, and does taking a month off really solve anything? All it did to me was make me wonder why does someone need a month to decide if he loves me?

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  21. Hey Meenakshi,
    I'm so sorry to hear that! There's probably a good reason as to why this happened and you will figure it out, eventually. And of course you will get a happy ending. And if its not in the way you imagined, it'll be even better! :) Hang in there and use the month well. You save the world eventually, remember? Its written.
    Love,
    The Dryad

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  22. Relationships like life have its ups and downs, so give it time. The older generation gave more time and valued the stability factor over everything else whereas the young guns are trigger happy and call it quits at time too soon.

    Your thing many have been a bit complicated by different countries, cultures etc, but my word better fight it out

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  23. hei eM,
    u know what? i used to tell people that i know what i want my life to be, and someone is already living it. And that someone was you. To hll with was, IS you.
    Dont let st backs in life rule you. I can only guess how hard it is, but hang in there. Life has a way of opening two windows when one door gets closed.

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  24. Can relate to how it feels in such a situation. Time will tell and heal(thats what they say and I try to believe). This(phase) too shall pass! Good luck and God bless!

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  25. Hang in there eM... things will work themselves out :)

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  26. seriously is this the month of break ups and lows?? hugs to you.. have been going through the same shit and don't know the exact words to say..please take care which i know you will and try to figure out what is best for both of you..

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  27. I've been reading your blog for quite some time now, though I hardly ever commented.
    Hope everything becomes better between both of you.

    All I could say is, hope you do find your forever after. And when you do, it wouldn't matter who it is with. =)
    *bigbearhug*

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  28. I have been following your blog for a while. Felt really bad on reading this post - hope things work out.

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  29. awww...I'm so sorry sweetie... I hope you two figure out things soon..All the very best for that...

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  30. i hope it works out. hang in there.. sometimes all you need is time.

    just to quote a cheesy cliche: if you love something set it free..

    im sure you know the rest :)

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  31. Not exactly the most refreshing post to stumble upon! Liked your blog. Hate to sound insensitive but... U gotta try moving on..even at 28 with some binge-drinking if need be, trust me !!
    best of luck anywyz. cheers !

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  32. I really hope you find your happily ever after...

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  33. Sounds like you've handled it quite diplomatically to date. As someone recently on the disappointed end of a deferment of forever, don't underestimate a healthy dose of vitriol.

    Though i, too, am enjoying the upper end of my 20's, the spite i might have formerly enjoyed in a promiscuous night on the town can also be expressed through less self-destructive and more private ways.

    Without confusing bad choices as bad judgment, or a poor decision as poor character, take time to acknowledge the simple fact that it sounds like he's being a dick.

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  34. All I can say is, hang in there . . keep busy . . and know that this too shall pass . .

    I'm 32 and recently put an end to a 15 yr old union . . Everybody deserves to be happy!

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  35. Like Indu, I've read your blog for several years, but this is the first time I'm leaving a comment.

    I give you all my love but I have to say: this rleationship looks like its going nowhere. I dont mean to be harsh, I say this in your best interest: dont tell JC that you'll wait and see, DONT hang on indefinetely hoping things will sort themselves out. They will not.

    You both want different things, and if this relationship isnt giving them to you you deserve to get out there and find it. Please, please listen to me. I've alaways admired your strength and independeance and it would break my heart if you turned out to be one of those typical girls who hangs around waiting for something she knows she's not going to get, just because se's afraid to let go.

    I know it seems like fate has a grduge against you, but trust me, there are plenty of things that are worse than a broken engagement. And there ARE a few rare, nice, liberal-minded men who do want to get married out there.

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  36. Please, he said he does not want to marry you and you said what? Have some respect for yourself and kick him to the curb. You ain't no Indian spice he wanted to experience and move on. Shoot, if that was me I'd be like, goodbye.

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  37. Bad time but dont you worry, you might be one of the few who gets a happily ever after too ..maybe just not with this guy.

    Take care!
    And I loved the last few lines!

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  38. Hey Em, do not worry, the fact that you are willing to see through the bitter end, itself speaks of the love. So much love, can't go waste. Just a gloomy day, this too shall pass and you will come out in flying colors. My prayers. Hugs.

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  39. Hey Em, do not worry, the fact that you are willing to see through the bitter end, itself speaks of the love. So much love, can't go waste. Just a gloomy day, this too shall pass and you will come out in flying colors. My prayers. Hugs.

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  40. Em, I hope this resolves itself to a point where you can look back and believe it was all for the best. If not now, then eventually. Keep the faith and stay the innately happy person you are, in the meantime.

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  41. *dabs at tears in her eyes*
    This post is so heartwrenching!

    When all you got to keep is strong
    Move along, move along like I know you do
    And even when your hope is gone
    Move along, move along just to make it through

    < Move Along - All American Rejects >

    Hope you feel better soon! :)

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  42. whatever happens, just stay your cool self, always, and it will be fine in the end. :-) :-)

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  43. Wish you both some peace and hope you come to a conclusion soon. This uncertainty kills... been through it.

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  44. Hi, been a lurker for quite a while but wanted to comment on this post. I feel your pain, and went through the other end of it (when I was thinking about ending a 4 year long relationship) but didn't end it for various reasons. There are still differences (and there always will be) but we made it through. Fingers crossed that you and JC will make it too.

    SC.

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  45. soldier on and see this to an end. after all 28 or 22 one does need closure. and secondly, its a time out - its tough but then it might end up helping both of you out of the rut into a better tomorrow.
    best wishes for you, and hope things work out for the better.
    tc

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  46. Hey.

    I've been following you for a while...
    All I can say is - there is no such thing as a 'happily ever after'.

    and if you think marriage is one, then all I can say is.. that it probably isn't....

    All the best to you though. Let it not affect you more than a certain point.

    Best.

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  47. At a moment like this, words fail me. But you have my prayers.

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  48. Zwikie is right - there is no such thing as 'happily ever after'. On the whole, life/marriage takes a lot of work, and patience and shutting up. This craving for a partner makes us want to get hitched, but once hitched, life's realities/duties/responsibilities hit. Life is beautiful when you can live it with yourself, without being too attached to a person who may not completely get you/ takes you for granted/ may not want the same things out of life. I'm the same age as you - am married with a 1 1/2 year old - but i slowly realised that its good not to hitch my happiness on another person(the partner) and i now try and spend as much time as possible on "ME" and the baby :)

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  49. Meena,
    Never mind the darkness, You still can find the way. Hugs.

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  50. Regular reader, delurking now.

    Here is hug for you. In times like this, when there is nothing you can do to improve the situation, I find it therapeutic to believe in fate. If it is meant to be, nothing in the world can break you guys up. If it not, you will be happier in the long run. Be patient and wait it out. Sending some good vibes your way.

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  51. I think tis pretty shabby and (unnecessarily) snobbish and ungrateful of you to not respond to all of these wonderful living, supportive comments

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  52. Its hard but u have to make believe that it's all gonna be for the best!!!

    tc!

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  53. bwahaha...no man is 'spooked by wedding plans'. It just means he has 'fallen out of love' with you and definitely doesnt want to spend a lifetime with you after seeing you blend (or not) in his home.

    Its just a polite way of saying...ummm...have had enough doing you...now go back home and let me do other women pls.

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  54. hey there. been reading ur blog for ages but never bothered commenting. u stay strong, girl. im sure things will turn out fine for you.

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  55. I love that song and you seem like just another confused girl in a planet of confused-somethings who are totally allowed to post such posts in their blogs.
    - Great Writer In The Sky

    P.S:Check out Phantom of the Opera by Nightwish.I think you will like it!

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  56. Call me psycho - Anyway

    Same Pinch am 28 and few months older than you just few months ago even i came across to same thing but anyhow.

    Sometimes all we can do is set them free. If it comes back it'll never go. If doesn't then it's not meant for you.


    Won't give you much of advice. I know you're not the one of those who likes to buy sympathies. You maybe in your face kinda person but when we are driven by mere emotions nothing makes sense most of the times.


    Em I can go-on-&-on but I don't intend to act as total retard. May peace surround you and hope you enjoy the trip.


    em you know you \m/ so *Chin-Up*. I'll get my paycheck on 10th Let's Jam at Bandstand.



    PS: Normally I am not so touchy for love break ups but anyway.....

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  57. Sorry things didn't work out. I read all the comments on your blog and while I appreciate the sympathy behind them, no one is really telling you what you need to know. Which is, "No one will buy the cow if the milk is free". Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its true. Next time (and there will be a next time) a little more restraint and self control might help.

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  58. @Desi I feel sorry for people like you and how small-minded you are and that you will lead the rest of your lives in your myopic worlds, because you're too closed to see the world in its entirety.

    These people didn't hook up for a night. They were engaged!And this is a real person you're writing to on a public forum! Show some sense of responsibility.

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  59. @Aarthi: Completely agree with you.

    It's ridiculously sad how these kind of opinions continue to show up.

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  60. @Aarthi, traveller and any future commenters

    I know its fashionable to be politically correct, but a spade's still a spade. The real sympathy I have is for people like you that are too scared to say what they really think.

    Iam not insulting or humiliating Meenakshi in any way, but no matter what country you are in, men are still men.

    And I stand by what I said. "No one will buy the cow if the milk is free"

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  61. @Aarthi, traveller and any future commenters

    I know its fashionable to be politically correct, but a spade's still a spade. The real sympathy I have is for people like you that are too scared to say what they really think.

    Iam not insulting or humiliating Meenakshi in any way, but no matter what country you are in, men are still men.

    And I stand by what I said. "No one will buy the cow if the milk is free"

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  62. ugh. was going to close comments after that last bit of vitriol, but really, just have to say. desi, I feel sorry for you, if you equate sex with bargaining. as in, if i don't sleep with you, you'll marry me. sex is not a tool. sex is not currency. it is (if done right) a way of expressing deep feeling between two people who care about each other. that's all.

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  63. What you call using sex as currency and as a tool, I call "saving yourself till marriage". When a man truly loves a woman, he will be willing to wait until marriage, for her sake.

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  64. @Desi EVERYTHING is not about sex. But sorry, when you save yourself for too long, you begin to see it everywhere.

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  65. @Aarthi. You are contradicting yourself. If everything is not about sex, then why the hurry? Why not wait until after you are married?

    You can argue this until you are blue in the face, but the bottomline is love and sex are not the same thing. A man who loves you will be willing to wait until after marriage.

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  66. Of course, because women NEVER EVER want to have sex BEFORE marriage. A woman with a libido? What new fangled monster is this? *gasp*

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  67. All this talk of sex, @desi I am not going to contradict myself anymore, will go and not save myself instead.

    @eM lol

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  68. @M sarcasm noted. I forgot for a moment that you are a hip and modern young woman. So of course, its all about you and your libido.

    So let me ask you a question. If you are so forward thinking, why bother with archaic old fashioned marriage at all? I mean why not just have a permanent live-in relationship?

    Don't bother answering that. What I had hoped would be a genuine exchange of ideas and viewpoints has turned into a cat fight. Nothing useful to be gleaned. Time to move on to something more interesting.

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  69. I'm sorry, but I don't see how this is a cat fight. We're just responding to your views, which we don't happen to agree with.

    Why does it have to be an either-or situation. You want to have sex, so don't bother with marriage. You want to get married, so stay "pure" till your wedding night?

    I really do thing we need to move beyond the thought process that sex is something bad or wrong, and women who indulge in such behavior before marriage should be ashamed of themselves in anyway. You meet someone, form a relationship, and that relationship expresses itself in the form of sex - which, in the right circumstances, and between the right people, can be a beautiful expression of love. You then decide that the relationship can be taken to the next level, and choose that to be marriage. WHY does it have to be either the "forward" way or the "archaic" way?

    Yes, there are people for whom sexual relationships can be something meaningless and fleeting - I may not subscribe to that view, but I wouldn't presume to judge them either. Who am I to decide what moral codes the rest of the world should live by?

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  70. Traveller-- absolutely right. Only Arjun Singh can decide what moral codes the rest of the world should live by.

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  71. happily ever after ... ever after what? we make ourselves unhappy by waiting for that perfect future, and as we get nearer things always look less perfect. so enjoy the not-so-perfect days and don't worry.

    you'll be fine, whatever happens ... things always work out somehow.

    sending you hugs & courage.

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  72. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for me to ask for answers...

    Nope it isn't.


    Just hang in there. And really hope things get back to the happily ever after mode.

    Really wish.

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  73. I read each and every comment..
    But was just wondering if it might help to turn to specifics..
    I mean more towards UK Visa rules.. They are no doubt stringent.. but not something kind of impossible..
    I am sure you ppl must have gone thru all the possibilities.. But still I think, You can apply for Tier 1 Visa which is based on points system.. And you earn points for your academics,Work ex etc... And even if you dont get it yourself.. You can go as a dependent attached to JC's visa...

    So getting a UK visa is difficult but not impossible.. Having said that.. You need to sort out if Visa is really the main issue???

    Hope life takes the right course for u.. All the Best!!!!!!

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  74. Aww. That's bad.
    Remember that brilliant writer wrote, "If winter comes, can spring be far behind?"
    Here's wishing you a happily ever after. :)

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  75. No one will buy the cow if the milk is free???? Who talks like that???

    I decided to find out but of course, the profile is not available!

    How typical! Of people who dont hesitate to cause pain to others just to express their holier than the Pope opinion!!

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  76. Not sure if it is worth the debate after all this time, but the logic in Desi's comment is so dimwittingly flawed."No one will buy the cow if the milk is free" where if I understand right cow=girl and milk=sex. So if that statement holds true, then all cow buyers want the milk. If they could procure the milk in any way (through the cow, in a bottle, diluted with water, whatever) the cow is really dispensable. So essentially you are saying if men could have sex (and presumably babies, although I am extrapolating) without women, they would choose that. The cow comes into the picture because the milk is NOT free, or free milk is scarce. So as women it is better to 'save ourselves' till the wedding night because otherwise the supply would exceed the demand and we would get dumped. Gee. Thanks for the warning, man.

    The Cowgirl

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