I started to update my Hyderabad story today and then realised the story was over. Really, there was nothing left to say, so why screw it up? Sorry, if you were expecting a sequel though.. I promise a REALLY long serial story next time, I already have one brewing.
Oh and while I'm apologising, I know I'm being lazy by not replying to your comments, but know that I appreciate them all and I have seen the error of my ways. :) Please don't stop commenting!
Just some general witterings today about the state of my life. I have the severest writer's block that always happens when I'm busy. See, when I'm filing stories for work, I can do it automatically and this shuts off creativity. So when I blog unimaginatively like this time, you know I'm working quite hard!
> I've been listening over and over again to some songs, which totally define who I am at this present moment. Here they are, for your enlightenment:
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining
She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it
She's got a little bit of something,
God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
---- From 3 AM by Matchbox 20
So kiss me hard
'Cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
Will be of service to giving you away
----- From The Best Deceptions by Dashboard Confessional
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is (here here here)
she's convinced she could hold back a glacier
but she could'nt keep baby alive
doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere (here here here)
you say you don't want it again and again
but you don't... don't really mean it
---- From Spark by Tori Amos
There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope
No more waiting,
No more aching
No more fighting,
No more trying
Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly
---- From What Can I Do by The Corrs
(and finally... the surprise entry!)
But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door
----From Faith by George Michael
Any thoughts on what they mean? Your inputs are badly needed.
My dance show is coming up at the end of the month and I still suck. This is not exagerrated, I actually do suck. I should have gone for something easier like white water rafting or some such instead of subjecting myself to public humiliation. But, on the bright side, it will make for a good post! :)
And to end with some good news. I toldja I write a column for my paper right? Well, in this newspaper, all columns go with the columnist's picture on top. I've been asking for mine to be included for a while, but got all sorts of excuses, from "You're too junior" to "Do such-and-such story and we'll see". Finally, they've agreed and ta-dah! Tomorrow on my column will be a picture of moi, yellow kurti, long earrings et all. I'm looking pensive in the picture, which goes with being a literary columnist I suppose. All I needed were spectacles and a long cigarette holder. Or a nearly-stubbed cigarrette, I forget which image we're going with. Wow, imagine little ol' me with my picture in the paper. So much more of a big deal than just your byline.
(Much later; 11.45 pm my time)
Re-reading, it dawns on me. I need to be by myself. I need to stop using my friends and flings as K substitutes. I need time to heal, and I need that time alone. It's been almost three months, it's time I exorcised the ghost of K for once and for all from my life. It's not going to happen with being with other men, because then I'm just relivign the past, pretending that everything's okay just because I have warm arms around me and mouths to smile and kiss.
I don't know at this point in my life whether I want a fling, a relationship or just random sex. But a commitment has to be made. A commitment to me that I will always be there, that I exist, that I am. I think at 22 years and 11 months, it's about time I got to know me. (eM meet eM: a nice person if a little clingy when insecure, a person who likes the colour purple and hates rejections, both her own and of other peoples. A person who can't stand confrontation but also can't stand not addressing an issue. A person who thinks in typewriter font on a white screen, rather than images. A person who feels with meaningful words and in whose deepest soul lyrics resonate. A person who can be very lazy, bitchy when trying to impress and stand-offish when shy.) And that's all I've got.
Of course, it's going to be hard. Learning processes are never easy (and I learnt that the hard way!). But Dee for instance, so in love with her new boyfriend and me all resentful---not healthy.
So how am I going to achieve all this?
Frankly my dear, I don't have a fucking clue.