I like being single, I discovered last night in a drunken moment of clarity. Has there ever been a time when you're so very, very drunk that you're actually very sane and very wise and things around you start to make sense suddenly? This is usually the point in the party where you crawl towards the nearest available wall, to just lean against it, feel the cool plaster against your cheek, murmur sweet nothings to the paint. Before there was a wall, there was a boy who stood there patiently while I crash bombed against his chest, his hand supporting my back, his mouth smiling. But boys are complicated. The walls never ever expect me to behave in certain ways. They don't get pissed off if I stagger from them to other walls. They don't snap at me and say, "You know I really have to get home." They don't get all cold (well, I suppose they already are) and moody and silent and move away from you. The walls are just always there.
K was a little bit like that. He was always there. This is the season I miss him most, well, actually, this is my first summer in two years without him. Last night, almost I called him, and then reminded myself that it wasn't K now that I missed, it was K then. And my phone is pretty cool and all, but it doesn't call 2003.
Why do I like being single? Well, for one, I love the endless possibilities every day can bring. I love the fact that I make plans and break them as I please, without having to worry about hurting someone else's feelings, I love the fact that I can go out in a large group and just focus on me and on enjoying myself, without always having an eye out for someone else. I like being Just eM, not eM-and-anybody-else.
I realised at the beginning of my period of singledom, that I don't really know myself at all. If I were my friend, I'd have no clue how I'd react to a situation, say, or whether I'd like someone I just met. And now I do. Now I know myself and as narcissistic as it may sound--I like myself most days.
I still get lonely. I still yearn after people. But once I realised my essential fear was not being lonely, it was being alone, it got better. I recognise it for what it is, and I try to meet it head on. I would still like to meet someone special and be happy, but I don't want to go into the little bubble of isolation that seems to surround all couples. I like being with the crowd, being me and being absorbed by everything around me, not just one person.
And so, yeah, maybe the break up was the best thing that ever happened to me.