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1 July 2006

Strange what desire will make foolish people do

I think I've figured out the way out of my dating/commitmentphobe issues. Part-time lovers.

No, really, it seems perfect. Allow me to present my manifesto.

In today's day and age, no one is really a complete package--you have your baggage, your insecurities, your betrayal problems, your problem with people who chew with their mouths open and so on. Now, if you were to date three individual men, on a need-to-know basis, which means none of them would need to know about the others, you would have (ta-dah) the perfect man.

Or at least, I would. Then I wouldn't need to think about all the things one guy should have to be Mr. Right, they'd all be accessible, with each of my part-time guys (PTGs). Your average PTG should be unattached, but not a slut, with enough issues to make him quirky and interesting, but not so few that he runs the risk of being a full-time guy (FTG). He should be, most importantly, someone who seems capable of a lot of sex, because, really, that's why he's a part-time guy. PTGs are essentially useful when you're so busy or so involved with other things--work, family, friends etc---that you have no time to spend in sustaining a relationship. He should provide excitement, the torrid afternoon shag, say, or the tender kiss on the forehead at a party. He should be reasonably attractive, so that when the whole hiding-from-your-friends thing gets old, you can show him off.

Each PTG should be chosen with care, depending on the others. As in, humous is all very well--but you don't want three funny guys constantly in your face. So you have one, whose charm lies in his ability to make you laugh, another one who isn't that funny, but who cna make your toes curl just by sliding his arm around your waist, and the third fills a sort of provider/pamperer role, if you need to feel like a girl girl every now and then, because he'll be the one who wines and dines you, and picks you up and opens the door for you and all that jazz. (Don't look at me like that! You can be empowered with the other two!)

Now, here's the tricky part. Juggling all three seems like it would be a problem. The less people involved the better. And since you're only interested in you, make sure there isn't anyone else for him. No one. Not even his own part-time lover. The easiest way to do this is by pretending there's no one else for you. Be charming and loving when you meet him--the fact that you have two more guys will only add to your sense of mystery. (I sound like those chicks who wrote The Rules. Kinda fun, actually). If you're the bare-all type, choose two of your most discreet and close friends--preferably ones you have plenty of dope on as well, so you can blackmail--and tell them. That way, you have someone to obsess to and the truth won't come blurting out on a drunken evening.

There's always going to be one PTG you like more than the others, and you can see him as a FTG. Beware of that. A guy may seem completely into you, but unless he shows it with like gestures and stuff, he doesn't really mean it. He's a PTG for a reason, because he lacks one or more essential components that would have qualified him for a FTG.

Go forth and multiply (the one guy into three, I mean. Not babies) And please let me know how you got away with it!

37 comments:

  1. "And since you're only interested in you, make sure there isn't anyone else for him."

    I was relieved to see this line in here, showing that you realize how completely selfish this would be.

    To quote some unknown, but very wise sage from my past: "It's not about finding the right person to be with, but becoming the right person to be with." and "The only person you can ever change is yourself."

    It was when I stopped looking for Mr. Right, and focused on becoming a Miss Right, that my relationships started improving, and I finally found the guy I couldn't live without.

    Cheers!

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  2. Three PTGs...all wanting a lot of sex...sounds a bit exhausting. Or maybe that's just me (a baby co-habing your bedroom does tend to be a bit of a sex-drive killer) ;)

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  3. 2-3 PTG's!!! How do you get even one??! *sigh*
    Great post, as always!

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  4. haha... wait till everyone blasts you with judgement laden comments on this one!! the manifesto sounds good, but it's just not 'you' - if strangers may take the liberty of presuming to understand celeb bloggers..

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  5. Wow... That sounds so FCP... Anyways, girls will be girls...

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  6. where's the application form for the PTG.

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  7. Just curious. So while the idea of PTGs seem to be great, why do the guys have to be unattached? You can be a PTG (G=girl) for them too....fair no?

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  8. wouldn't three ptg mean as much time as one full time guy ..

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  9. and while we're at it, can i grow wings, please?
    that was fun......while it lasted, that is. :-)

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  10. Such naivete. It's almost touching.

    The trouble is, of course, that each one of your PTGs has a whole bunch of traits that you don't like or that he lacks (if that weren't true, why wouldn't you just make him your FTG) and because you're constantly getting these qualities from your other PTGs these lacunae will seem even more irritating by comparison. You can't cherry pick what you get out of people. Assume that you have three guys, 1,2 and 3. And each has some good qualities, g and some bad qualities b. Then when you combine the three you don't get g1 + g2 + g3 - you get (g1 + g2 + g3 + b1 + b2 + b3) / 3 - b1/2/3 being negative obviously. There's no reason why that's better than g1 + b1, g2 + b2, g3 + b3 per se. If anything, it's probably worse, because you don't get immune to b1, b2 or b3 over time as you would with a FTG. Every time you're with PTG1 you're noticing what he does wrong and PTG2 does right, and wishing you were with PTG2 instead. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Especially when the neighbours have a cute gardener.

    Oh, and there's a further problem. As we all know, relationships require investment. There's search costs, set-up costs, negotiations, presents, logistics, sympathy tolls, etc. etc. And all of these are fixed costs, in the sense that you can't scale them down because the person in question is only a PTG. You can't say, I'm only going to buy you a birthday present once in three years because you're only 1/3rd of the guy I'm dating. Or I'll sleep with you after the first date because you're only 1/3rd of my ideal 3 date guy. Which means you end up having to endure that many more polite first dates, having to buy that many more birthday presents, etc.

    To back to the equation. Let's assume the cost of being in a relationship (independent of the guy) is c. Then the benefit of a full time relationship with guy x {1,2,3} is b(x) + g(x) - c but the benefit of the PTG model is (b1 + b2 + b3 + g1 + g2 + g3)/3 - 3c. So it's much more likely that you're worse off.

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  11. 'Let me know how you got away' is an appropriate end.. Thats one secret I would love to know..juggling is not difficult but when these start fall apart.. all somehow fall apart at the same time.. and well yeah getting unscathed is practically impossible.

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  12. do you have any clue of how many women actually follow this three past time men thing...get away with it and the best is they dnt even realise it ...just is as netural as breathing for some!! i manage to meet the most unexciting variety and never meet them again !

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  13. Mr. Part Time Guy is fun by and by,
    Sometimes when you want to dance,
    And sometimes when you want to cry.
    But not when you find yourself looking for ever lasting romance,
    That bolt of lighting from the starry midnight sky.
    Then its time to bid farewell to Mr. Part Time Guy,
    And wait and wonder if Mr. Full Time Guy,
    Walked past while you were in the arms of the temporary guy,
    And thought you weren't interested in his sincere smile so shy,
    You may then stand in the corner and watch the world go by,
    And hope Mr. Full Time Guy comes back to smile and say hi.

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  14. That was nice but very one sided. The guy's side would be something like...

    4 PTGs (aka Part Time Girls). First one PTG should be really hot and if not ready to sleep with you anytime atleast get some smooching or cuddilng any time of the day. Next PTG should be a girly girly girl, to talk about all the girly things like... I dont know... some cute pink dolls or something. The third PTG should be smart enough talk to who has a career that is different from mine so that there is something to talk about other than just sex. The fourth one to make the most adorable babies ever but never chivvies me about PMS.

    So EM, which one are you? If you come under more than two of the above PTGs, within the next 72 hours you will get to know an awesome guy and that is who I am.

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  15. HUMOUS may be yum to eat but not very funny!!!

    All the FTG's are taken - but a PTG can be groomed (not changed) to make a wholesome, all-boxes ticked FTG.

    Have fun - or humous!!

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  16. Oh, perfect!! Good luck finding those PTG's, and if you have any to spare, send them my way, please. And while you're at it, let's have the whole shebang...make them tall dark and handsome with nice hands and melty voices and dimples and...yeah, i'll stop now.

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  17. Not bad - I dont want to read too much into realities / creativity - but this makes for a humorous read.

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  18. Cant have it all my friend, gotta give it to you for trying tho.
    Like some wise people have said, "cant have your cake and eat it too". But then again whats the point of getting cake if you are not gonna eat it?


    this idea seems perfect in theory but it just wont (doesnt) work..may be next time i'll try girls who are not related..hmm
    thanks

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  19. Funny.... Good one! Managing 3 PTGs would be quite a task.

    I read something similar in a book where the author says every woman needs 5 guys. :)

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  20. i've been a PTG!! and when the shit hit the fan and she went with her FTG and i called it quits. It was she who was messed up.. the PTG moved on coveniently. This plan sounds good but is a recipe for disaster for you, not the PTG

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  21. sounds interesting! i should try it myself - only PTGs would be Part-time Gals in my case, since im still quite straight

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  22. Just found out that I was not an FTG, rather that from an FTG, my exclusivity rights had been stripped to make space for a PTG.
    That hurt!

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  23. looks like everything can be solved with
    1 (one) sugar daddy for material benefits
    1 (one) set of seinfeld/yes PM/insert comedy-of-choice-here dvds to make you laugh and
    1 (one) dildo, for obvious uses.

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  24. ah this is probably what inspired the movie Garam Masala!

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  25. I'd need a fourth PTG though, a thoroughly mean and inconsiderate bastard. I'd never satisfy my daily bitching requirements without one of those!

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  26. I hate to say this to my own cousin, but sister you need to get laid.

    This is crazy talk.

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  27. And what does one do if one is juggling with a FTG and a PTG at the same time? I'd written a post recently on my state of affairs, but had to delete it cuz risked my FTG reading it:)

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  28. Call up, ring once, hang up the phone
    To let me know you made it home
    Dont want nothing to be wrong with part-time lover
    If shes with me Ill blink the lights
    To let you know tonights the night
    For me and you my part-time lover

    We are undercover passion on the run
    Chasing love up against the sun
    We are strangers by day, lovers by night
    Knowing its so wrong, but feeling so right

    If Im with friends and we should meet
    Just pass me by, dont even speak
    Know the words discreet when part-time lovers
    But if theres some emergency
    Have a male friend to ask for me
    So then she wont peek its really you my part-time lover

    We are undercover passion on the run
    Chasing love up against the sun
    We are strangers by day, lovers by night
    Knowing its so wrong, but feeling so right
    (repeat)

    Ive got something that I must tell
    Last night someone rang our doorbell
    And it was not you my part-time lover
    And then a man called our exchange
    But didnt want to leave his name
    I guess that two can play the game
    Of part-time lovers
    You and me, part-time lovers
    But, she and he, part-time lovers

    God bless Stevie Wonders

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  29. is there a shop for PTG's? i am wanting.

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  30. BEAUTIFUL!!! a complete scream!! loved this!! as for whole PTG, FTG... ah well,.. you do stuff, as and when desirable... say what?? and i loved the idea... finally found someone who agrees to almost the same fundas!! :p

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  31. Atta Girl! If only there were more hedonist women with this amount of selfishness! Loved your post! feels good to know that there are others who view life the way I do!

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  32. i have never felt so objectified, trivialised, humiliated, marginalised (and a whole bunch of similar sounding adjectives) in my life..i am outraged at ...oh hell forget it, sounds perfect! where do i sign up? hehe

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