27 August 2006

Schmidt is such a nice word to say


a) Okay people, here's a quick quiz. If you were to throw me on a desert island which of these three things would you need to provide before I chewed my own arm off and threw the dismembered limb at you? Is it 1) cigarettes; 2) alcohol or 3) coffee? If you answered all of the above you're WRONG, and you THINK you know me but you don't really. I can survive without alcohol, even if I become dull and boring and a blotch on the face of the planet that would have to be picked out by blackhead tweezers. I can survive without cigarettes--if you wrestled me to the ground and said, "NO MORE CIGARETTES OR YOU WILL DIE TOMORROW!"-- and then there might be a chance that I will develop superhuman strength and say, "You will die, you stupid fucker, give me back my cigarettes!" but yeah, I will not eat own appendages. The correct answer, and now, pay attention, because I'm only going to say this once, is answer three; coffee. I cannot be expected to live on this planet without my daily dose of, oh, something like five hundred million cups of coffee, and there's no reason why I should live on this planet anymore when one of my God-given rights is being taken away from me. But you know, the thing about God? He/She/It/The-power-that-bes is MEAN. And nasty. Take that, God! I smote you! I smote you right here on this blog. (wait, sorry, didn't mean it, don't make nasty things happen to me, I'm sorry, I wuv you, twuly) Anyway, *ahem* where was I? Yes, so mean ol' nasty God, with all the mean ol' nasty powers and ha-ha-you-think-you're-so-smart-but-I-am-smarter-because-if-you-don't-believe-in-the-evolution-theory-I-MADE-you-so-suck-it-up type thinking, has in fact, taken away the one thing that I love and desire and that I think is mankind's coolest invention, right up there next to electricity and the telephone, ooh, and America's Next Top Model (which, in the spirit of honesty, I must admit, I love. There was an episode last night, which was very nailbiting and exciting, where one chick, who was very blonde and pretty burst into tears and said she was gay and she couldn't hold it in anymore and another chick, who, go figure, was also very blonde and pretty--I'm sensing a trend here--rolled up her eyes and fainted. Good fun. I love fainting people on tv. It's such excellent watching) which is coffee. How has it been taken away from me? I'm so glad you asked that question, because everyone must know of this conspiracy that surrounds me. If I drink more than three cups a day, I get a horrible, sharp, stabbing headache all over the front of my head and it isn't nice. It's not a very nice thing to do at all. I hope if god (see, I am so mad at you, I'm not even capitalising your letter. I smote you, I say again! I smotest! I smite!) is reading this, he/she/blah blah blah will take the goddamn (oooooh) hint and take away the headaches.



b) Since we are in rantifying mood, clearly, I think little note to anonymous commenters of last post should be inserted here, and maybe, I will not be angry, and maybe you will think this is humourous because you, my un-anonymous reader who leaves NICE comments, rock, and then everybody shall be happy, except the trolls and they cannot be happy because they are trolls and it is against Basic Troll Personality to be happy and why would you want to mess with basic troll personality? And maybe I should also say that I don't think writing about sex makes me promiscuous at all, and everyone does it, even your parents at one point and if you want to think your PARENTS are all these strange and really very unfeminist things you have called me, then, well, there is a slight problem with our perspectives and maybe you should go look at some other, very fine, blogs that deal with the lives of people much more expert at writing about sex than I am, but, I should warn you (because I am nice and you are not) you probably won't be encouraged to leave dirty comments there either. (Oh, and I'm also not going to sleep with you. Just clarifying. You have a nice day now!)



c) I went for karaoke night the other day and Mika was there and he sang I Want To Break Free and it was good. It was so good that I called people and held up the phone only they could only hear me giggling like a maniac in the background, which is a pretty noise, even if I do say so myself, but it blocked out the Glory that is Mika, and EVERYONE should hear a fat, young Punjabi singer with a gold and diamond necklace around his neck and a huge M pendant singing Queen at least once in their lives. Everybody. I was going to sing too, but I was too shy.



d) I have a new job! Starting next month! Where I will no longer be journalist! Who woulda thunk? (More details later)



~ eM could really do with an Ultimate Margarita right about now

22 comments:

  1. Congrats on the new job eM. But you do realize that if you quit being a freeloader journalist you're gonna have to pay for all those drinks.... or you could get some rich guy to buy them for you but then you'll have to sleep with him.... either way you're screwed :-)

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  2. lol...sorry about the coffee, its migraines...
    i cant have too much cheese (which could possibly be a good thing, what with me being punjabi,lol)

    and ur hilarious!!!im so glad i stumbled upon it!
    whats ur new job?

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  3. by stumbling upon it, i meant ur blog!
    jeeez, i outdo myself in bimbo-ness sometimes!

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  4. new job? wow!! i want one too... who's hiring?
    as for Anon, your clarification is totally uncalled for, eM. why waste your time addressing people/things that don't even have the balls to identify themselves? let it be...

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  5. Coffee pretty much makes the world go round.
    All literary/scientific/technological progress in the last century is either directly or indirectly attributable to caffeine.
    Re the new job, good on ya! I'm sure it's a loss to the journalistic world, because you're a great writer.

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  6. Ahh, coffee! I am glad I just about mastered making my kind of perfect coffee.

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  7. coffee addict huh!!!
    anyway, congrats on your new job.

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  8. Wasn't Mika Singh the evil troll from hell that stuck his tongue down that angel of innocence Rakhi Sawant?

    For shame, eM. Listening to a man that so grievously insulted our national treasure.

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  9. You're getting back to your old standards of writing. I like muchly.

    J.A.P.

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  10. sweet, smile-inducing post. no, not amused with your being headachey though. having some papua new guniean filter coffee right now, and here's wishing you can have a jug of it or something equally yum soon.

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  11. You actually saw Mika Singh,sing "I want to break free"?
    I'm jealous.
    :P

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  12. you just gotta love "let us take higher."
    Apparently a lot of brit hindus here find that hugely offensive. So I went out an bought one as well.

    I'm also glad someone shares my enthusiasm for closeted lesbian models, drama queens and fainting fits.

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  13. hey eM...

    have been reading your blog for a while now but never commented..

    Congratulations on the new job...though God knows I could use a new one too :(

    keep up the good writing!

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  14. So, something's fucked up and all the comments aren't showing and today I opened this page obsesssively and felt all unloved and THEN I looked at the email comment notification thing and I was like, "Huh. That's odd." So yeah.

    khizzy: I'm trying to figure out what too much cheese does to you. My imagination right now, you should know, is running riot.

    distrakshun: Thanks. (And because it's FUN!) :)

    raindrop: Oh, but you do realise this style is totally NOT what I use when I'm "working"? Then I'm all like official and stuff, which isn't very exciting!

    hyde: Yeah me too! My friend just got me a bag of Turkish coffee, only I need a fancy filter type thing to drink it, but I'm very tempted to just make it like I do the instant. Good idea/bad idea?

    preyanca: Thank you! :)

    cale: Heh. Yeah, the same, only when I met him he was all bashful and modest and shy. It was all very sweet. Though, damn, totally forgot about the Rakhi Sawant thing, I should've asked him.

    J.A.P: Thanks! I've been reading some very funny (as opposed to very angsty) blogs lately, so clearly my writing is very influencable (is that even a word?)

    Nikita: Oh, wow. I'm so jealous. You know, all this talk of coffee, reminds me I've only had one cup today. Talk about self-restraint! (Or laziness, seeing as I've been home all day). Think will make myself a cup right now.

    gayatri: I know! Aren't you? Never mind, if you live in Delhi, the karaoke nights are at Calypso, Thursdays, so you might get lucky.

    scritch: You bought one? That is very cool. I am now officially jealous! And yeah, that show is so perfect for me at so many levels--besides the fainting and the lesbians and the bitchy queen judge--it also comes Fridays at nine, right before I leave the house to go get drunk somewhere.

    chandni: aww.. cheer up. New jobs are in the air, apparently, because a lot of people I know are shifting. Keep your ear to the ground etc. :)

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  15. you really should cut down on the coffee, you know! the style of this post was so fast, it was hyper!
    but congratulations on your new job, and oh oh, you have got to hear Mika's "tell me something" to know what a living legend he is.

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  16. New job.. hmm Ca't imagine you as anything but a journalist..

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  17. I heard about your new job...Congratulations! It should be fun. Being paid to do what you dig.

    And Mika sang I want to Break Free amazingly. Does it carry a touch of sarcasm or is it in earnest, because I really can't imagine him singing Queen!

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  18. Mika sang I Want to break free?? OMG!!Was that half as good as His-Nose calling himself a rockstar these days??
    Eden Hashish Centre..hmm, nice!! Jai Pashupati Nath..:-)
    P.S: As far as the headaches are concerned, try breathing exercises, works.

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  19. wow you take rantiphysiation to a whole new level...its not often that i actually get lost by the end of the para.you were talking bout coffee, trolls and disclosure right?? also, i went through some of the comments (of this post and the last) and you have some killer drama going on here!! maybe even worth a post - my take on it is that its the kind of nonsense you get when you got all these people tuning into your blog and somehow all thinking they "know" you. Just what i think anyways...

    yours posts are great and they always leave me either happy, lost or wishing for a better life (all good feelings (in some funny way))

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  20. Use the filter thing when you have enough time. For instant gratification, nothing like instant. :-D

    Btw, I think someone here cursed me. Coffee has been horrible the last three days!

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  21. i get caffeine migraines if i dont have my mornin cuppa! also, i think u jst made urself a new fan!

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