My latest book is The One Who Swam With The Fishes.

"A mesmerizing account of the well-known story of Matsyagandha ... and her transformation from fisherman’s daughter to Satyavati, Santanu’s royal consort and the Mother/Progenitor of the Kuru clan." - Hindustan Times

"Themes of fate, morality and power overlay a subtle and essential feminism to make this lyrical book a must-read. If this is Madhavan’s first book in the Girls from the Mahabharata series, there is much to look forward to in the months to come." - Open Magazine

"A gleeful dollop of Blytonian magic ... Reddy Madhavan is also able to tackle some fairly sensitive subjects such as identity, the love of and karmic ties with parents, adoption, the first sexual encounter, loneliness, and my favourite, feminist rage." - Scroll



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16 October 2006

Obligatory sex-post, 2006 version


The dating whirl, my darlings, she said, with a sigh, is not as easy as it appears. Or, try not easy at all. One tries, of course, one must, one even deludes oneself that there are a bare minimum of decent datable men in this city that one has not already saturated, but, ohhhhhhh, if only they would make it a little easier for me.

For example:

I think each man I meet should either fill out a questionnaire or have a pre-filled questionnaire with a list of all possible things that could rule him out. Not into a "relationship"? Go to point D. A complete fuckwit? Go to end. Can you at least promise good sex? No? Please turn over. So long and thank you for your interest in dating me. Due to the large volume of calls and applications, you are, at this point, not on the waiting list. Try again in a couple of years.

The problem:
There isn't a large volume of calls and applications at all. In fact, the volume of calls and applications can be best described as a trickle. And that's on a good day. Erm, make that a good month. So the men I meet can be broadly divided into two categories: a) the ones I may want to/definitely want to see again and b) the ones I cannot imagine myself with, no matter how much I use my imagination. And I have a fairly active imagination, as you can imagine. (Heh, just got that after I typed it). In the last couple of months, category a has been divided into meh and okay-perhaps.

What distinguishes the meh from the okay-perhaps? Well, since most of these Boys/Experiments/Ways To Assert Sexuality are usually only after ONE thing and one thing alone, breaking them down is fairly easy. I just have to rely on my own groin flutters to figure out whether or not this is happening.

But groin flutters can be unpredictable. You could have a flutter at the beginning of an evening, when he comes to pick you up (which, by the way? ALWAYS wins brownie points from me) but then he could screw up ALL the groin flutters by picking his nose (amazingly, a lot of men do this. It's a little odd. Do they think I can't see them? Do they think it looks like they're just rubbing their noses? Because I can totally see like the fingers going in and stuff. Ick.) On the other hand, I could decide very early in the evening that I just wasn't attracted to the dude, and then, something in the evening could bring on serious butterflies. Like the other night, I went out with this dude, friend-type, and I had pretty much decided earlier that I wouldn't flirt with him, but then he leaned over to kiss me hello and I got a whiff of whatever cologne he was wearing, and oh. The evening was suddenly filled with sparkly, spangly excitement. Such fun when that happens.

Then, the more tricky part. The carrying it over from just groin flutters to Doing Something About It. That can be most tough. First of all, who kisses who first? And if the guy seems too chicken to make a move, do you lean in for a kiss, even though that might implicate you as someone who is, um, up for anything? Or do you drop steamier and steamier hints and watch him turn awkward and shy? And why the FUCK are they turning awkward and shy anyway? Damn metrosexuality. Completely ruined gender roles.

But, if the guy decides to own his balls and be all proactive, then there's the How Far Will You Go question. Personally, I never got the whole I-won't-kiss-on-the-first-date theory. Because sometimes the chemistry only exists on the first date, and by the time the second one rolls around it could be GONE. And since I am being the boy, I also want to get into people's pants, but unfortunately I'm a girl so I have all these totally girl type emotions and feelings and oh will he respect me tomorrow. Meh. And making out, I can tell you, is only fun when there's chemistry.

SO. Anyway. It's not really as exciting as it sounds, because there are like days and weeks without activity and then suddenly, three engagements in a row, but not quite so often as I would like. But, I'm having a good time. Enjoying the singledom. Enjoying the flirting and the raised eyebrows and the things you only imply but don't say, and doing repertoire of geisha type expressions with new people.

I think, then, beloved readers, the trick to this whole thing is to be detached. Like amused spectator. Like fond godparent. Or something. Zen-like I wait and see and the universe's goodness slowly unfolds. Well, a little anyway. I'm still a good girl, after all.

Related edit type thing: The first of my "extra" posts is up over at ibibo. I'm going to make this a regular feature, with different posts over there from here. I hope you like it. :)


I went out on semi-date with this guy once, I think it was this summer, and we went to a club, where there was dancing and I don't dance, unless I'm very drunk, which I wasn't this night, so I stood around near the bar and smiled as he shook his thang next to me and I swear to god, he made these low, grunting unh-unh noises with each butt thrust.

Read more here.


31 comments:

  1. I have been on a total of 4 dates with boys in my whole life. One of these was Leo.
    Need I say more?

    I recommend switching sides.

    Join us eM, join us on the dark side....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Delhi, in particular seems to have a severe shortage of datable men. I've recently moved here and I'm convinced my love/sex life has been shot to hell... and if i meet another "I'mtoointelligentnpsuedosoulfulwitty" wannabe artist-writer types, I'm going to go sleep with the first guido-looking, gawdy, flashy, anti-feminist punjabi variety i come across.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "damn you, will truman! you're the worst thing to happen to gay culture since straight men started dressing gay."

    - jack mcfarland.

    i can't stand metrosexuals either really. mostly because they mess up my gaydar. i go oooooooh at the airport over groomed man with gorgeous arse and prepare to flirt with him when along comes the girlfriend/fiancée saying "baby/darling, come no?" and shit.

    i'm praying for the day though (and this is slightly unrelated) some pretentious bitch goes on about her boyfriend continuously repeating the word "baby" so that in an elaine benes moment I can go, "Maybe the dingo ate your baby!" all thick Australian like.

    I watch too much telly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. four!? who were the other three, you harlot?

    ReplyDelete
  5. take one for the team. or come visit me here, the men in this city are ripe for picking.
    what would a questionnaire designed by men look like i wonder?
    worse than men digging their nose on a date is them checking out another chickie on the date and looking absolutely bewildered when you express your complete and utter disapproval. or when you don't call back.
    actually that sucks irrespective of gender.
    so who all constitute this trickle dahlink?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, dates or no dates, metrosexuals just mess up my life too.. now, call me a wimp, but i CANNOT make the first move.. so in short, i dont go out on dates much (ok, not at all)..

    ReplyDelete
  7. hahahaha....
    we need to go man hunting for you. and if its the anti-metrosexy (shaxy) you like, hell i got them jumping out of the woodwork in huge doses, but didnt you already know that ?:)
    call me....

    ReplyDelete
  8. why do i always respond to comments on tuesday, i wonder? Maybe it's something about Tuesdays, such really unnescessary days (Monday's are cool, Wednesday's are mid-week, Thursday's are almost weekend and so on). Anyway. Back to you now.

    teleute: and you would do well by following my excellent example.

    scritch: dark side, huh? funny, i thought that was the side *i* was on. and there's this myth floating around my city that the boys from your city (being a little bit less Punjabi) are much nicer--well-read, good manners, better looking etc. i'm guessing that's not true now. sigh. oh the delhi womens last bastion of hope is broken. on to... BANGALORE. :)





    anon: oh god, i SO know what you mean. if I have to meet another empowered-feminine type I will throw up. On the other hand, the dhik-chik car driving ones aren't fabulous either. your best bet is to indulge in a vibrator. (available readily and cheaply at Palika Bazaar, btw).

    cale: oh i KNOW. this happens to me also, one minute I'm all flirty, the next they're like, "Hey, did I see you at Pegs and Pints?" (Bar. Famous gay nights. Tuesdays. ROWDY as all fuck.)

    leo: one can only assume you're not talking to me, the *ahem* alleged CREATOR of this post. hmph. go use msn or something. and tell me what a fabulous writer i am to make up for it.

    hobo: WORSE then them checking out other women is when their eyes are glued to your boobs like they're scared it's a mirage or something. i'm always so very tempted to do a little breast wiggle in the middle of an intense conversation, just to see if he reacts visibly and then i can catch him red handed. or red eyed. or something. as for the other question, like i recommended so strongly earlier, msn, baby. come talk to me. :)

    nags: this anti-metrosexuality is surprising me. i really thought it was like the new thing, and not just me, i think the GUYS think it's the new thing as well. this could lead to like a fashion REVOLUTION. although, i don't miss the burping though. :)

    chitgo: Bring it ON, buddy. let us carouse the town in search of unshaven, hairy chested men's men. :) (and then, of course, i will go home with the angst fileld painter.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well about time something like this happens. most of the introverted men, with a bit more to offer than ingenious ways to bed a woman packed up their bags and decided to head westwards bound to colder climes, where hard currency and inclusion in white society define their existence. after all, if all the Deepak Chands and Sumit Singhs of the world were bedding anything in skirts, the introverts decided to just worok abroad and make some money.

    am one of those who is thinking of givng it all up and coming back to good ol' motherland for all its action - on my feet and off.

    good to see the women cribbing about the lack of good men.

    ReplyDelete
  10. grunting noises with butt thrusts??
    (digest information)
    (point at eM)

    hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA

    where on EARTH do you find these boys woman? (I know, I know, Delhi and the inevitable generalization which I refuse to listen to because I am a Delhi boy)

    I haven't been people watching in Delly in years...eM, if we get to TC (and I say 'if' because have realized that a lot of times things just dont work the way you hope...or another way of saying that is that the best laid plans never get you laid the way you planned but point being....)
    I want either you or Bobo or someone to point out these boys...

    ReplyDelete
  11. em said: and there's this myth floating around my city that the boys from your city (being a little bit less Punjabi) are much nicer--well-read, good manners, better looking etc.

    my dear girl, have you not heard of a certain unfortunate species called gujarati men? this city is infested with them! and they are tragedies..tragedies i tell you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. This one time I met a woman and she was actually not upset with me after a week. Then I woke up.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I definitely recommend bangalore boys.
    didn't really appreciate them till i left and got to know the punjabi variety and now.....'mommy the boys here are yucky. i want to come home'
    :)

    i wouldn't say they were smarter than the average indian man. they just seem to look out for their women a lot more and not in a chauvanistic, women are so helpless, way.

    ReplyDelete
  14. women. whiners. no good men? call me conceited, but i think frickin' awesome. when push comes to shove, all you women get cold feet. got balls? write to me at ineffably[underscore]dumb[at]yahoo[dot]com, and i'll make it worth your while. no balls? even better.

    and for those of you who're haunted by mailerdaemon's dire warnings about your email to me being undeliverable: you don't deserve to write to me in the first place.

    ReplyDelete
  15. why are they so fascinated with boobs. every guy i've been with zones out and starts staring at my lovely lady lumps. even after 1 year of dating, when you're yelling at them or nagging them they just sit there with this dopey eyed expression.
    schmucks!

    ReplyDelete
  16. So how's the job going? And I sio agree with the smell, forearms, voice specifications:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anon: I would be one of those introverted guys who went West looking for gold (found hard cash but who's complaining)
    But I still miss home for all the cliches and all the jhakaas and the its bullshit....but its still home!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. i'd agree with all you women out there, on the dearth of dateable men in delhi, suddenly this space has acquired the airs of a 'Personals section', and here's what i got when i googled 'speed dating delhi',

    " I can make u laugh till u get cramps on ur tummy... Thats me, thats JOY for u... Though born & Brought up in Delhi... by now have covered almost all places in I"

    " Lets get together and do something prospective together."

    " it is not compesory becouse if any one want to contact me bye ."

    "Dear Reader, I have some SHOCKING news for you. You may be just DAYS away from meeting THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. I have even MORE shocking news for you. "

    "some person says i m lookink good but i dont thing so, i always says i dont as a person how i m but as a friend i can do every thing for my friend"

    " i want to attain the state of bliss by negating nothing, the path which suits me most is love.."

    though there is one insanely goodlooking introverted photographer types waiting for a sign...why is he among all these ppl?, beats me..

    nice read eM, why u splitting ur bloglife? when you just abt managed to get a nice background theme going ;)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Namaste Hallo AND Haloha - that is in Hawahi Hallo - please consider to my case b4 u r simply branding all boyz in delhi as bloody useles felows.
    I am simpel man origin from kotayam - that is in Kerala okie? - and am now resides in delhi. if you only r liking the top-shot peoples than u r in 4 disapoint.
    simpel man can giv u simpel plesure and make u more happy.
    if interest, pls email to my dineshk4u@rediff.com. I think i am man for u.
    waiting ur mail dearest.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ah, my sister in manophilia. :)

    Stick to very tall men, because here's the awesome thing about them- when he lowers his face while you're dancing, you JUST KNOW he's going to kiss you. No guessing there. So you raise your head ever so slightly, give him a flirty smile, and wait for it. And then you look around the dance floor to make sure your roommates are looking, because the man is HOT! Yeah, I'm shallow like that. I need witnesses when the dude's a hottie. :P

    ReplyDelete
  21. this whole Delhi men-datable-not datable, staring at boobs... its all so foolish. for one it would help if women werent so bloody clingy. if the one mission in their life was not to get coupled/hitched and if not that then get laid it would help!! And before you go on and on about Delhi men have a look at the ladies here, even younger ones. why cant a relationship be a comfortable priority and not a bloody obsession. Delhi women are great lookingand dress well. other than that theres not so much that can be said about them and "intelligence" doesnt realy count, its an over rated virtue and very common. the biggest turn on for a man is a woman with confidence "Real Confidence". not attitude or hostility pretendingh to be confidence and i'm sorry to say i have not come across more than 2 or 3 in the last 10 years. and eM, you know me but shall remain anaonymous for the rest. Male, half punjabi.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Bombay, Delhi, Bangalore, London, girls, boys, poofters, dykes, metrosexuals its all the same.
    older ugly unavailable blues players are the only way to go. seriously

    and leo: none of your business.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have been reading your blog for a while. I want to economize on time-instead of leaving you several messages over several months and then Orkuting and all- I'm just cutting to the chase.
    Let me know if you want to go out with me. Delhi Golf Club-anytime you want, so long as it's between 9 pm-11 pm on a November weekday, and alternate weekends.

    ReplyDelete
  24. nice blog
    well written

    maybe you should try out guys other than the "pseudointellectual...artist/writers"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Uh huh! Very interesting! Sometimes an old fart like myself can even learn something new. Cheers!

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  26. That was a BIT to harsh, but I guess us men have asked for it for being such creeps that we are....

    However, women are surely catching up...

    All the best, Gals...

    Yours VERY Truly,

    Ra.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Free online dating service for everyone!
    http://www.myfreecupid.com/

    ReplyDelete

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